October 3, 2020

ADVENTURES IN THE BUDGET BIN: The Benefits of Comparison Shopping

Report by Mr. Biscuits🐾

After my most recent excursion for Blu-ray bargains, I was filled with regret, slapping my forehead like I just missed the opportunity to enjoy a V-8 (some of you Boomers might get that reference). 

All-in-all, it was a pretty good haul. I stopped at Big Lots first, and for once, it looks like I caught them just as they restocked their inventory. I came across Mr. Brooks ($5.00), one of Kevin Costner's more underrated films where he plays a family man and serial killer at the mercy of a voice in his head...perhaps the same voice that told him 3000 Miles to Graceland was a good career move. It co-stars Dane Cook as a wannabe who forces Brooks to teach him the ropes, a performance only marginally less obnoxious than his stand-up routine.

I also found the Paranormal Activity Three Movie Collection ($5.00). I’m typically not a fan of found footage, but the first film is actually pretty good, and if nothing else, features a character who has to rank among horror history’s biggest dumbfucks. I haven’t seen the two sequels, but getting them in the same package will make a fun horror night with my daughter, Lucy (especially this time of year).  

Spotting The ABC’s of Death ($3.00), I grabbed it without a second thought. I hadn’t seen it yet, but I’m a sucker for horror anthology films and really enjoyed The ABC’s of Death 2 on Netflix a few years ago. 

Next stop was Dollar Tree, who had the exact same copy of The ABC’s of Death (six copies, actually). I slapped myself for giving-in to my own impulsive instincts. Had I been more vigilant, I’d have remembered that Magnet, the company that released the film, is one of the main suppliers of Dollar Tree bargains. Granted, the two-dollar difference didn’t determine whether or not I could pay my mortgage this month, but after sitting down with Lucy (who’s 16) to watch it, I came to the conclusion it wasn’t worth what I paid. Not only is it virtually thrill free, the thing is loaded with the kind of nasty sexual violence no right-thinking father would share with his kids. We shut it off at the letter P.

Speaking of sex, I also found the remake of Friday the 13th ($1.00), which I would have liked a lot more if I was 12. Not that I was ever a monumental fan of the original or its sequels (though the space space-slasher, Jason X, is shameless fun), but here, Jason’s exploits often take a back-seat to a cavalcade of soft-core shenanigans and nubile nudity. Boobs, boobs everywhere...bouncy boobs, fondled boobs, oil-massaged boobs and even water-skiing boobs. For over-sexed adolescents, I can’t think of a cheaper way to get your jiggle-jollies without the internet. 

Finally, Dollar Tree had the original Rocky ($1.00), of all movies. A lot of Stallone’s films aren’t even worth that much, including some of the Rocky sequels, so I was surprised that I found one of his best here. Or maybe MGM was clearing out their warehouse, because I was also able to grab the cult classic, Killer Klowns from Outer Space ($1.00), which is fetching anywhere from $10-80 on Amazon.

All totaled, that’s eight movies for sixteen bucks. Not bad, but I coulda shaved-off a few dollars if I had done some comparison shopping. Next time, I’ll hit the Dollar Tree first, snatching a few bags of ‘Onyums’ along the way.

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