2001:
A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
Starring
Keir Dullea, Gary Lockwood, William Sylvester, Douglas Rain. Directed
by Stanley Kubrick. (142 min)
Essay
by D.M. ANDERSON💀
As
I write this, the world is in the midst of a global pandemic,
something I thought I’d only experience in a disaster movie. But
instead of evolving into an armed-to-the-teeth hero of the apocalypse,
most days I’m debating whether or not to change out of my pajamas to check the mail. The
only folks I’ve seen with guns are mouth-breathers clutching
cock-enhancing AR-15s as they storm the capital to demand their
God-given right for date night at Waffle House with their
sister-wives.
As
global catastrophes go, I’m in a pretty good place and luckier than
most. My wife and I have jobs we’re able to continue doing at home
(while still having the nerve to bitch about them). And even after 30
years, we still like each other’s company. Sure, our own
date nights are different now – romantic trysts at the local
Safeway – but other than that, the pandemic hasn’t been much of
an inconvenience.
I’m
also fortunate that my most of my hobbies are passive activities
which don’t require human interaction, and since the amount of
spare time I have to indulge in them has increased tenfold, there
ain’t a hell of a lot to complain about. So while cabin fever might
have some folks ready to snort Lysol to be first in-line at
Supercuts, I’ve been shopping on Amazon, reading some books,
walking the dog, playing GTA V, spying on my neighbors and, of
course, watching a shit-ton of movies.
Movies
never get old, but one can only read so much dinosaur porn, gun-down so many cops and give the wife so many date-night spankings before the urge to
do something different sets in. So…Doughnuts for dinner! Honey,
is this nail polish my color? I think I’ll shave the beard I’ve
had for 20 years...oh shit, where the fuck did that extra chin come
from?
Then it suddenly hit me: This government-imposed stay-cation would
be the perfect time to relive the wild days of my youth and engage in
the once-illegal activity of...getting high.
Some
of you might be saying, “Why, Dave, isn’t
anytime a good time to get high?” And once upon a
time, I would have agreed with you. I was one seriously baked potato
back in the ‘80s, kicking-off every weekend with a dimebag,
Domino’s pizza and the perfect video rental to enhance my altered
state. The right movie was important and I frequently enjoyed a
variety of stoner-friendly films, such as Repo Man, Pink Floyd the
Wall, The Black Hole, Mad Max, Airplane!, Night of the Living
Dead and – my personal favorite - classic Looney Tunes.
 |
| Dave in the '80s. |
But
ironically, I never got around to the mother of all tripfests, 2001:
A Space Odyssey, perhaps
because I was largely unimpressed when it premiered on NBC in 1977. I
was 13 at the time and didn’t know Stanley Kubrick from the Stanley
Cup. What I did know was any movie with “space” and
“odyssey” in the title shouldn’t have screaming monkeys beating
the shit out each other for first 20 minutes. When it finally did
reach the stars, I was subjected to 10 interminable minutes of a shuttle inching
into a space port to the tune of The Blue Danube (arguably the
sleepiest piece of muzak ever written). It didn’t help
that I was watching on a 19-inch, hand-me-down black & white and
periodically interrupted by Calgon commercials. I eventually gave
up trying to make sense of the thing and changed the channel.
I
quit smoking weed in the late ‘80s, not because of some epiphany or
concern over my health. I simply decided to pull my head out of
my ass, go to college, marry a good woman and get a decent job. There
just wasn’t time to be a baked potato anymore, nor did I really
miss it.
While
in college, I took a cinema class as an elective and one of the films
chosen for analysis was 2001: A Space Odyssey. Seeing it on
the big screen for the first time was a jaw-dropping experience. I still didn’t fully understand
everything, but also realized Stanley Kubrick probably never intended
us to. What I once thought were liabilities were now some of the
film’s most powerful moments...the long stretches without dialogue,
the enormity and ominous silence of outer space, the striking
simplicity of the Monolith and the detached malevolence of
Discovery’s homicidal computer, HAL-9000, arguably one of cinema’s
greatest non-human antagonists.
 |
| Where Hershey Bars come from. |
As
for the freaky final act and “Star Gate” sequence, I comprehended
it well enough to earn an A on my analytical essay, but whether or
not it makes narrative sense is ultimately secondary to a sensory
experience that can really only be appreciated in a theater. And
though I didn’t include this observation in my essay, I concluded
that 2001: A Space Odyssey’s ground-breaking
visuals and cerebral themes would be absolutely mindblowing after
a couple o’ big-ass bong hits. Too bad I gave that shit up...
...at
least until I recently decided to spice-up my pandemic routine with a
little blast from my past.
A
lot has changed since then. Cannabis is legal where I live, which is
a good thing because I wouldn’t even know where to begin scoring
some without asking my kids. It’s also plentiful around here. There
may be only one In-and-Out Burger in the entire state of Oregon, but
we’ve got more weed shops within a stone’s throw than we have
actual stones to throw.
I’ve
changed a lot, as well. Much older now, I no longer party like it’s
1999, having given-up drinking and smoking years ago. Whereas I used
to love the aroma of a freshly-sparked joint, I now find the smell
repugnant. Besides, with some of my health issues, I doubt my lungs
could handle it.
Fortunately,
weed has changed a lot, too, as I discovered when I strapped on a
face mask and drove to the shop near my house (that’s right,
kids...cannabis dispensaries are essential businesses during the
pandemic). Not only can you purchase it by-the-ounce or by-the-joint,
there’s weed brownies, weed cookies, weed soda, weed juice, weed
chips and weed candy. It all comes in a variety of strengths, from
happy & mellow to “I hear helicopters in the kitchen.”
I
chose the happy & mellow route with a “grape” flavored gummy.
As for the movie...after decades of speculation, it was finally time
to experience 2001: A Space Odyssey the way God intended. I
even waited until just after sunset, lighting a few candles and
claiming my spot on the sofa - with doughnuts for dinner! -
to begin my journey. Then, before you could say “Just what do you
think you’re doing, Dave,” I pulled the sticky candy from
its package and popped it in.
 |
| "Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?" |
But
things didn’t turn out like I expected. First off, I gotta say that
fucking gummy may have smelled like grape, but it tasted like ass.
The urge to gag was strong as I chewed quickly and powered it down,
then chugged an entire Coke to try and kill the lingering
aftertaste. That’s when I realized weed shops aren’t all that
different from Taco Bell. Sure, there’s a menu, but everything is
pretty-much made from with same ingredients, just folded differently.
Whether cannabis is sold as a cola or a candy, ultimately it’s all
ass flavored.
Oh
well, at least I was primed and ready. Bring on Kubrick! Bring on
HAL! Bring on the brain-bashing monkeys! It was time to enjoy 2001
from a long-overdue, chemical-altered perspective.
Instead,
I dozed-off about a half-hour later and slept through the rest of the
night. For all intents and purposes, I essentially capped-off my
Friday night with a dose of ass-flavored NyQuil, never once rising to
the level of happy & mellow.
Saturday
ended up being kind-of a blur. I was groggy and lethargic all day,
not quite sleepy, yet too wiped-out to do anything but lay on the
sofa in a thick fog and watch whatever happened to be on TCM that
day. This wasn’t how I remembered weed making me feel. Concluding
that I just wasn’t built to be a baked potato anymore, I think I’m
content to ride-out the rest of this pandemic without chemical
enhancement. Except for coffee, of course. That shit ain’t going
anywhere.
From
here on out, I’ll settle for simply being a couch potato, of
which I’m already a fucking Jedi.
Over
the years, 2001: A Space Odyssey went from being baffling and
boring to one of my all-time favorite science-fiction films, second
only to Forbidden Planet, which I can attest is really
awesome after a few bong hits. 2001 probably is, too, but I guess I'll never know for sure.
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