THE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN

CRITICAL MASS (2001)

Starring Treat Williams, Udo Kier, Lori Loughlin, Doug McKeon, Andrew Prine, Charles Cyphers. Directed by James Cameron Roland Emmerich Fred Olen Ray. (95 min)

Essay by D.M. ANDERSON💀

Since I frequently write about movies, belong to several online discussion groups and even teach a film studies class at my middle school, the subject of the “best of all time” often comes up. Best of a certain genre, best of a particular year and best remake of a classic are common topics for debate. Then of course, there’s the Big Kuhuna...the single greatest movie of all time. 

 

As I’ve learned from seventh & eighth graders over the years, “all time” generally means their time. Society was a cultural black hole before they were born. Thus, anything with Dwayne Johnson or Marvel in the credits is usually the greatest of all time. That’s to be expected, though. When I was their age, I declared Jaws to be the greatest film of all time.

But 45 years later, I still think Jaws is the greatest film of all time. Sure, like any kid, something shiny & new would come along to briefly takes its place, like Star Wars or Escape from New York or Halloween. But then I’d revisit Jaws and back it would swim to the top of the list. For me, Jaws isn’t just a great film; it remains a nearly perfect film.

While I suppose it’s possible some of my current students will be saying the same thing about Ant-Man and the Wasp at their 40 year reunion, time tarnishes most shiny pennies. In any generation, precious few movies manage to avoid becoming mere nostalgia.

The greatest of all time. Anyone who disagrees is obviously wrong.

Of course, conversations about what’s best often leads to what constitutes the worst. Those arguments are occasionally heated, especially in discussion forums. You gotta love butthurt fanboys and cinema snobs who are blinded to any opinions other than their own. 

 

Over the years, I’ve casually thrown-in various candidates for my worst film...from childhood cheesefests like The Giant Spider Invasion and Tentacles to such modern misery as Batman v. Superman and (insert Adam Sandler/Tyler Perry title here). But until now, I never sat down and gave serious thought to what’s truly the very worst movie I’ve ever seen, numero uno on my personal shit parade. After all, The Giant Spider Invasion at-least has camp value, and while I think Madea is one of the most obnoxious, irritating movie characters ever created, I’ve never doubted Tyler Perry’s sincerity...or his integrity.

So with the current global pandemic allowing me more spare time than the Surgeon General recommends, I finally made the effort to weed-out the contenders and pretenders to pick the true titan of terrible from the thousands of films I’ve seen in my lifetime. It wasn’t easy, but after careful deliberation and – ugh – choking back my gag reflex to watch it again, the award for the worst film of all time goes to…

...2001’s Critical Mass.

Not Bruce Willis.

Years before starting Free Kittens Movie Guide, I had the opportunity to write DVD reviews for another website. The webmaster was a friend of mine, and while I appreciated getting free discs in exchange for my work, he mostly kept the big, high-profile titles for himself. Every couple of weeks, I’d get a stack of movies I would have never chosen to watch on my own...critical or box office flops, low-budget obscurities, exercise videos and a lot of straight-to-video stuff from Artisan Entertainment. In one of those stacks was Critical Mass.

What can be said about a no-budget movie that manages to fashion yet-another variation of Die Hard by bookending it with extensive footage from two other large scale action films? Well, I suppose kudos should go to the conniving filmmakers who had the shiftiness to raid the Carolco vaults for action scenes they couldn't afford to shoot on their own (Artisan owned Carolco at the time, saving even more cash). This wasn't exactly a new practice. Low-budget filmmakers have often borrowed stock footage or brief action scenes from other pictures because it was cheaper to utilize an existing explosion than opening your wallet for a new one. But I’ve never seen the practice abused like it is in Critical Mass, a film that not only borrows epic scenes from Terminator 2 and Universal Soldier...the very story is created around them.

The film begins with an elite group of terrorists disguised as a S.W.A.T. team (led by Udo sure-I’ll-do-your-movie Kier), who infiltrate the headquarters of Cyberdine Systems (yes, the very name used in Terminator, eliminating the expense of a new sign). Their objective is to nab radioactive materials in order to construct a bomb, but a security guard manages to trigger an alarm. Soon the building is surrounded by police. It's at this point that the film lifts all of the action footage from the attack-on-Cyberdine sequence in Terminator 2, right up through the S.W.A.T. van escape and helicopter chase. Someone who'd never actually seen T2 may be initially impressed, unless they notice the massive devastation Kier manages to inflict on all the surrounding police vehicles with a relatively small machine gun (unlike the billion-round-per-minute cannon Arnold toted around for the same purpose).

 

Arnold...as NOT seen in Critical Mass.

After their escape, the terrorists seize a nuclear power plant – which looks like a plain-old warehouse - to detonate the bomb they've constructed. But they didn't count on one man: a security guard played by Treat Williams (who apparently no longer has any shame whatsoever), a senator (Andrew Prine) and his press secretary (Lori "Full House" Loughlin). Williams assumes the Bruce Willis role of single-handedly dispatching the terrorists to prevent disaster, which shouldn't be too tough, since these "elite" terrorists look more like they’re ready for 18 holes of golf than triggering a nuclear catastrophe. 

 

The low-budget, low-wattage action sharply contrasts the "borrowed" footage and any lame plot twists that ensue will be accurately predicted by the average viewer at least ten minutes before they occur. As in the beginning, the climax consists entirely of scenes from another Carolco film, this time the armored truck chase from Universal Soldier. 

 

Critical Mass is directed by Fred Olen Ray, who helmed such favorites as Thirteen Erotic Ghosts, Bikini Airways and that Oscar-baiting classic, The Brain Leeches. For decades, he’s managed to crank-out an average of six films a year, most with equally lurid titles (though he’s recently been keeping the lights on by directing made-for-TV Christmas movies). So yeah, he’s a hack, but that’s not why Critical Mass is such a crapfest. The movie’s utter cynicism is what ultimately kills it. Swiping all of your biggest scenes from two of the ‘90’s most iconic action films displays an unparalleled level of contempt for the intelligence of its audience. What self-respecting action movie fan isn’t gonna call immediate bullshit on that?

Still not Bruce Willis.

It's also pretty sad to see Treat Williams slumming like this, looking painfully-aware of his career’s downward trajectory. If Dancing with the Stars was around in those days, busting-a-move on that show would have been a step up (even if he was eliminated in the first round). As for co-star Lori Loughlin...because of her involvement in the recent college cheating scandal, she should've been sentenced to watch this film every day for five years. Trust me, she’d be begging the judge for a lethal injection instead.

It just occurred to me that this essay might be the most anyone has ever written about Critical Mass. I might even be one of the only guys who’s ever bothered to intentionally watch it twice. But I did it all because I’m really fucking bored to finally establish, once and for all, the single worst movie I’ve ever seen, one that isn’t even entertaining in a so-bad-it’s-good way. It makes Die Hard clone Sudden Death look like Citizen-fucking-Kane, cynically slapped together by arrogant profiteers who assume the audience is too stupid to know the difference.

But my masochistic efforts are not in vain. Like my continuing love for Jaws, it's an assessment I think will stand the test of time. From now on, whenever reviewing a film of questionable quality, I have a concrete standard for comparison: Sure, it’s bad, but is it Critical Mass bad?

THE POOP SCOOP: Classic Sci-Fi from Arrow

FLASH GORDON on 4K and Blu-ray 8/18

Super producer Dino De Laurentiis (Dune, Barbarella) brought Alex Raymond's beloved cartoon strip and the long running movie serial to the big screen with celebrated director Mike Hodges (Get Carter, Black Rainbow) at the helm, in a delirious space opera, where Flash is King of the Impossible! With endlessly repeatable dialogue, inimitable camp style, the sonic stylings of Queen and a delightful band of characters and actors playing them it's no wonder Flash Gordon has become one of the most beloved sci-fi spectacles of its era with directors such as Edgar Wright, Taika Waititi and Seth MacFarlane paying tribute to it in their work. Includes a fold-out poster, postacrds, supplementary booklet, new & vintage bonus features, as well as the 2017 documentary, Life After Flash.

The Original PITCH BLACK on 4K and Blu-ray 8/18

A sci-fi/horror sleeper hit that birthed a franchise and launched the career of a new action movie icon, Pitch Black holds its own today as a nerve-shredding creature-feature in which the monsters outside finally meet their match against a monster within. Boasting crackerjack direction and a whip-smart script by David Twohy, as well as a star-making performance by Diesel, Riddick's first outing is freshly unleashed in an illuminating, brand new 4K restoration, with hours of exclusive bonus content, including new & vintage material and the classic animated short, The Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Fury.

GAMERA: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION on Blu-ray 7/28

The original hero in a half-shell returns! For the first time ever worldwide, all twelve tales of the adventures of everyone's favourite titanic terrapin are collected together in one deluxe Blu-ray boxset. This limited edition collectors' set traces the decades-long evolution of Gamera, from the "friend of all children" in his more light-hearted earlier films, to the Guardian of the Universe in the groundbreaking 1990s reboot series, often hailed as three of the best kaiju films ever made. In addition to hours of new and vintage bonus features, this includes a Hardback 120-page comic book including a full-color reprint of the four-issue Gamera comic series originally released by Dark Horse Comics in 1996, and the first-ever English-language printing of the prequel comic "The Last Hope" by Matt Frank and Joshua Bugosh

WE SUMMON THE DARKNESS: Patience is a Virtue

WE SUMMON THE DARKNESS (Digital Review)

Starring Alexandria Daddario, Keean Johnson, Maddie Hasson, Logan Miller, Amy Forsyth, Austin Swift, Johnny Knoxville, Allison McAtee. Directed by Marc Meyers. (2020/91 min)

FROM LIONSGATE

Review by Josey, the Sudden Cat😸

We Summon the Darkness is a good example why you don’t turn-off the game at halftime, even if your team is getting its ass kicked. Sometimes you just gotta be patient.

Alexis, Valerie and Beverly are hot metal chicks who meet three guys at a concert. Afterwards, they decide to continue the party at Alexis’ dad’s house, who’s apparently gone for the weekend. The film drops hints of what the plot might develop into – there’s been a series of murders that appear to be the work of devil worshipers – but for the most part, the entire first act consists of these guys drinking and name-dropping ‘80s metal bands.

The first thirty minutes are almost embarrassingly awful. The story takes place in 1988, presumably for the sole purpose of superficially establishing its metal cred (or Wikipedia skills). The dialogue is forced, banal and boring. More glaringly, none of these characters feel even remotely authentic. The girls, in particular, come across as caricatures from Headbanger’s Ball. Though I never quit any movie I’m tasked to review, I was certainly tempted a few times here.

Some of you might recall Super Bowl LI, when the Atlanta Falcons were annihilating the New England Patriots. By halftime, the game was all but over. I’m sure some frustrated fans in Boston probably shut-off the game to put themselves out of their misery. However, they missed the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history.

"Dad...about your boat..."

Sometimes patience is a virtue because We Summon the Darkness takes a sudden, wonderfully clever narrative turnaround and never looks back. The plot does-indeed involve the serial murders mentioned earlier, but not how you’d expect. To explain in any real detail would spoil the party, but I didn’t see it coming. Yet at the same time, it isn’t quite out of the blue. With hindsight, the setting, superficial dialogue and manufactured metal chicks make total sense...it’s actually a triumph of subtle foreshadowing. And of course it has to take place in the ‘80s. That decade was the pinnacle of “Satanic Panic,’ when bible-thumping Chicken Littles were all over the media, warning the world not to engage in anything fun. And as it happens, those same Chicken Littles figure into the story, as well.

We Summon the Darkness is more of a brutal black comedy than pure horror. While there’s certainly enough tension and blood to keep the horror crowd happy, it’s just as often quite funny, albeit morbidly so. And although some of the cast look a little too old to pass for young metalheads, the performances are pretty good. Part-time scream queen Alexandria Daddario appears to be having an especially good time, not-only playing against type, but engaging in some prime scenery chewing.

So what was initially shaping up to be an interminable eye-roller ends up being one of the more amusing new films I’ve reviewed lately, similar in execution and tone to You’re Next. It takes some patience to endure the first half, but football has four quarters for a reason: It’s never too late for a comeback.

KITTY CONSENSUS:

PURR-R-R...LIKE A GOOD SCRATCH BEHIND THE EARS.

Rest In Peace, Anthony James

Anthony James (1942-2020)

ROBERT THE BRUCE and the Redemption of the Wormy Guy

ROBERT THE BRUCE (Blu-ray Review)

Starring Angus Macfadyen, Anna Hutchinson, Zach McGowen, Talitha Bateman, Patrick Fugit, Gabriel Bateman, Brandon Lessard, Jared Harris. Directed by Richard Gray. (2019/124 min)

FROM SCREEN MEDIA

Review by Tiger the Terrible😼

Movie fans might recall this guy. He’s the wormy one who ended up betraying William Wallace because he stupidly trusted his conniving old man. At the end of Braveheart, he’s seen continuing Wallace’s fight against English rule, now as the king of Scotland. While Braveheart’s historical accuracy is often dubious, the real Robert the Bruce did indeed lead Scotland in the war for their independence.

But Robert the Bruce isn’t about that glorious career capper. It’s immediately obvious this sequel-cum-spin-off doesn’t have the budget for that. Instead, the story takes place an undetermined number of years after Braveheart. Robert (Angus Macfadyen) may be king, but he’s lost a half-dozen battles and England has put a price on his head. Weary and defeated, he essentially gives up, ordering what’s left of his army to go back home.

He wanders into the wilderness alone, then is later attacked by three of his own troops hoping to collect the bounty. Robert defeats them, but is seriously wounded and taken-in by Morag (Anna Hutchinson), a widow whose husband was killed fighting for Robert a few years earlier. Still loyal to the king, she and her kids nurse him back to health during the winter, though her young son, Scot, is initially resentful. Meanwhile, local sheriff & Morag’s brother-in-law Brandubh (Zach McGowan) is scouring the countryside, hoping to kill Robert and collect the bounty.

"Get off my lawn!"

Forgoing the epic grandeur of Braveheart, Robert the Bruce is a much more scaled back affair, largely focusing on Robert’s relationship with Anna and her family while he regains his fortitude. Macfadyen slips back into the role quite nicely, though he’s considerably more brooding and introspective, making him far more sympathetic this time around. But while Brandubh is a formidable foe and well-played by McGowen, the other supporting characters are static at-best and little Scot is actually pretty irritating.

As for the overall story, I’d have preferred one based on what’s revealed in the end-title cards, which explain that Robert the Bruce went on to liberate Scotland and become a national hero. But I get it...the wallet ain't big enough for epic battles. So what we have is more like a transitional chapter. As such, it’s sometimes interesting, though a little too long for its own good and nearly bereft of any real action until the bloody final act.

Still, for a budget-conscious spin-off most of us probably weren’t asking for, Robert the Bruce isn’t a cynical cash-in. It’s a sincere effort to bring additional complexity – and redemption – to one of Braveheart’s more pitiful characters. Despite being a little meandering, it’s worth checking out if you keep your expectations in check.

EXTRA KIBBLES

FEATURETTE - “The Making of Robert the Bruce” (where we learn much of it was actually filmed in Montana!

AUDIO COMMENTARY – By Angus Macfadyen & director Richard Gray

KITTY CONSENSUS:

NOT BAD. LIKE CAT CHOW.

POLICE SQUAD...in Color!

POLICE SQUAD! THE COMPLETE SERIES (Blu-ray Review)

Starring Leslie Nielsen, Alan North, Peter Lupus, Ed Williams, William Duell, Ronald Taylor. Various Directors. (1982/150 min)

FROM PARAMOUNT

Review by My. Paws😻

By my late teens, Dad and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on most things. But for a brief time in 1982, we found common ground for thirty minutes each week when Police Squad! was on. Despite our growing differences, we’d laugh together at the show’s clever collection of satire, slapstick, wordplay and non-sequiturs. Sometimes me and Dad were so loud that Mom would come into the living room to see what the commotion was. I don’t think I ever told Dad this, but it’s one of my favorite childhood memories of him.

Police Squad! is unlike any comedy series ever made. And though younger viewers are likely unaware of the Quinn Martin crime dramas it affectionately parodies, such pop culture knowledge isn’t really a prerequisite. The show remains as funny today as it was four decades ago (something no one will be saying about what currently passes for parody).

Distracted driving.

Like they did with Airplane!, series creators David Zucker, Jim Abrahams & Jerry Zucker (collectively know as ZAZ) present Police Squad! with a completely straight face, right down to the production design, film score and a cast of typically-dramatic actors who don’t appear to be in on the joke (this was before Leslie Nielsen become synonymous with parody). If you were to turn the sound off, only periodic sight gags would suggest you’re watching a comedy. The dialogue ranges from eye-rolling puns to jokes so subtle that you won't catch them first time. Those deft touches are what’s been missing from most parodies ever since, including some of ZAZ’s own subsequent films.

Though it enjoys well-deserved cult classic status today, Police Squad! consisted of only six episodes before being unceremoniously canceled. With hindsight, that's probably a good thing because it never had the chance to grow stale, like most good ideas that are run into the ground. As it stands, these episodes remain some of the sharpest, funniest television ever produced.

And when this whole pandemic thing blows over, one of the first things I plan to do is visit my dad for a nostalgic binge.

EXTRA KIBBLES

LESLIE NIELSEN INTERVIEW

GAG REEL

CASTING TESTS – Alan North & Ed Williams

AUDIO COMMENTARIES – For 3 for the episodes, featuring David & Jerry Zucker, Jim Abrahams, Robert Wuhl, Robert K. Weiss

PRODUCTION MEMO HIGHLIGHTS – This is actually really interesting...a series of in-house memos of changes made in the scripts at the studio’s request, as well as the cancellation notice :(

LIST OF CELEBRITY DEATH SHOTS – We only saw six of ‘em. Take a look at some others they had in-mind.

PHOTO GALLERY

KITTY CONSENSUS:

MEE-OW! LIKE BEING TURNED LOOSE IN A BIRD SANCTUARY.

We All Need More CREEPSHOW in Our Lives

CREEPSHOW SEASON 1 (Blu-ray Review)

Starring Adrienne Barbeau, Tobin Bell, Bruce Davison, Giancarlo Esposito, Jeffrey Combs, Tricia Helfer, D.J. Qualls, Cailey Fleming, Dana Gould, David Arquette. Various directors. (2019/265 min)

FROM RLJE FILMS

Review by Josey, the Sudden Cat😺

The original Creepshow was arguably the best horror anthology film ever made...scary, gory, funny and very stylish, with a colorful comic book aesthetic that made it unique for its time. More importantly, it was consistent. Whereas most other anthology films always seemed to have a clunker or two, all the stories in Creepshow displayed the same black-humored playfulness, as envisioned by one director (George A. Romero) and one screenwriter (Stephen King).

Though it seems like it should have happened years ago, Creepshow is now a TV series streaming on Shudder. I’m happy - and somewhat relieved - to say it retains the look and spirit of the original film, right down to the transitional comic book panels, as well as the return of “The Creep” (through both animation and puppetry). But even if you first tuned-in on Shudder or AMC, this 3-disc Blu-ray set is still worth picking up because it’s loaded with substantial bonus features...not-to-mention being binge-worthy and rewatchable.

What naughty kids get for Christmas.

Overseen by executive producer Greg Nicotero, these six episodes – consisting of two stories each – are the work of various writers and directors, a few of whom were involved in the original film. Hence, the individual stories vary in quality, but so far, the show’s overall batting average is pretty damn good. The series begins with a bang with “Gray Matter,” a dread-fueled piece based on one of my all-time favorite Stephen King tales, followed by “House of the Head.” The latter is directed by John Harrison (Creepshow 2) and is as much horrifying fun as anything from the original film.

In subsequent episodes, stand-out stories include “Bad Wolf Down,” an amusing spin on werewolf lore set during World War II; “Skincrawlers” is a hilarious and nasty satire of weight-loss programs; in “The Man in the Suitcase,” a few slackers get more than they bargained for with a titular character who spits out gold coins when in pain; “Lydia Layne’s Better Half” has a corporate executive trying to dispose of her dead girlfriend after accidentally killing her, but gets trapped in an elevator with the body.

"You said to pack light."

While none of the stories are terrible, a few of them never really take off. We don’t really need another retelling of “The Monkey’s Paw,” and while “Times is Tough in Musky Holler” has some social satire that’s pure Romero, the story itself is convoluted. Considering the final tale is based on a Joe Hill story and directed by Tom Savini, “By the Silver Waters of Lake Champlain” is a surprising disappointment.

From a technical standpoint, though, every episode is extremely well put together, utilizing good old fashioned practical effects, deliberately artificial production design and a playfully sinister music score. And of course, the whole thing retains the colorful comic book look of the film that inspired it. With great performances by a large cast of familiar faces, Creepshow Season 1 is fun old school horror. Fast-paced, gory and often really funny, they’ve done King and Romero proud.

EXTRA KIBBLES

FEATURETTES – For all 6 episodes

BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE – For all 6 episodes

AUDIO COMMENTARIES – For all 6 episodes

SERIES 1 FEATURETTES - “Creepshow Resurrected”; “Acting Scared”; “The Past is Present”; “The New Blood”; “Joe Hill: Full Circle”; “Ripped from the Pages”; “Creature Comforts”

EASTER EGG (Disc 3 – click the pair of orange eyes on the Series 1 Screen) – Fittingly, this features a plethora of Easter Eggs throughout the series paying homage to the original Creepshow, Stephen King and a slew of other classic horror films.

PHOTO GALLERIES

SUPPLEMENTARY BOOKLET – Featuring comic art, cast & crew credits

REVERSIBLE COVER

KITTY CONSENSUS:

MEE-OW! LIKE TAUNTING A MOUSE TO DEATH.

THE CORE...with Cheese

THE CORE (2003)

Starring Aaron Eckhart, Hilary Swank, Delroy Lindo, Stanley Tucci, Tcheky Karyo, Bruce Greenwood, DJ Qualls, Alfre Woodard, Richard Jenkins. Directed by Jon Amiel. (135 min)

Essay by D.M. ANDERSON💀

ORIGINAL TEASER ONE-SHEET

I love McDonald's. With the exception of our current president, it ain’t what anyone would mistake for fine dining, but at least it’s consistent. Whether visiting the Mall of America or passing through Biggs Junction, you always know what you're gonna get. And I don’t care what anyone says to the contrary...Quarter Pounders with cheese are fucking awesome.

I also love disaster movies. None of them have ever nabbed the Palme d’Or at Cannes, but at least they’re reliable. Whether you’re taking-in an Irwin Allen classic or SyFy Channel fart-fest, you always know what you’re gonna get. And I don’t care what anyone says to the contrary...The Core is fucking awesome.

Like McDonald’s, disaster movies are unpretentious cuisine to be consumed and enjoyed in the moment with a minimum of scrutiny or intellectual engagement. In that respect, The Core is as good as any other disaster movie ever made, with the exact same ingredients...lots of destruction, bombastic visuals, daffy dialogue, stock characters and science that ultimately falls apart with a quick Google search. It’s a film bereft of surprises, and that's what makes the movie a superlative example of the genre. Would a Quarter Pounder still be a Quarter Pounder if McDonald’s suddenly decided to add tomatoes?

A copy of The Core's original screenplay.

The plot of this one is more-or-less Armageddon in reverse (minus Affleck & Tyler’s animal cracker foreplay...yuk). Earth's inner core has stopped rotating, as explained by scientist Josh Keyes, who ominously demonstrates the coming apocalypse with a peach, lighter and can of deodorant. This means the end of all life on Earth within several months. The solution: An elite team must burrow to the molten core and detonate nuclear bombs in order to jump-start the planet. 

 

A phallic vessel is quickly constructed for such a task, loaded with all the usual suspects: no-nonsense pilot "Beck" Childs (Hillary Swank), geophysicists Keyes and Conrad Zimsky (Aaron Eckhart & Stanley Tucci) and the ship's eccentric designer "Braz" Brazelton (Delroy Lindo). Also on-board are a few folks whose sole purpose is to die...Dr. Serge Leveque (Tcheky Karyo), whose days are numbered the second he shows-off photos of his family, and Bob Iverson (Bruce Greenwood), commander of the mission. As any disasterphile will attest, any “commander” played by a sixth-billed actor is a dead man walking.

"Don't fuck with my disco, Beck!"

Monitoring events on the surface (i.e. those who are paid to ominously react to what's going on below) are General Purcell (Richard Jenkins), who represents the evil military, NASA Chief Talma Stickly (Alfre Woodard), the moral compass whose job is acting horrified by Purcell’s indifference to human life, and Rat (D.J. Qualls), the lovably flaky computer geek hired to prevent the story from leaking out on the internet.

 

Meanwhile, there's awful doings on the surface. Rome is decimated by an electromagnetic storm and San Francisco is cooked by solar rays that pierce the atmosphere, two sequences which feature the obligatory, post-Independence Day destruction of famous landmarks. Later, we learn that the current global crisis is the result of subterranean fuckery by the Army, foolishly oblivious of the global consequences.

Heading off to Vegas, the Raiders burn their bridges.

If you've seen Independence Day, Deep Impact, Armageddon or any other ‘90s disaster epic, you've already seen The Core....even if you actually never watched The Core. Ultimately, that’s arguably the greatest praise one can give any disaster film. Whenever I order a Quarter Pounder from McDonald’s, it’s because I enjoyed the last Quarter Pounder, which tasted like every other Quarter Pounder I’ve eaten since they first appeared on the menu. I watched The Core because enjoyed Deep Impact, which I watched because I enjoyed Dante’s Peak, which I watched because I enjoyed Volcano...and Twister...and Daylight...on and on, dating all the way back to The Towering Inferno, the first disaster movie to thrill me when I was just a wee one. Not once did I ever feel ripped-off or short-changed.

"Hey, look...Free Kittens Movie Guide."

The Core is epitome of by-the-numbers filmmaking, incorporating every element and all the cliches of the modern sci-fi disaster film without adding anything new. And that’s perfectly fine with me. The movie is technically well made and the cast earns their paychecks. Tucci and Lindo even manage to have fun with their roles, giving them some tongue-in-cheek zest lesser actors wouldn't have bothered with. The special effects are suitably flashy and spectacular, even if logic suggests any realistic movie taking place mostly underground would be as visually enthralling as sitting in a dark closet for two hours. Director Jon Ameil is no master chef, but at-least has the good sense not to fuck with a recipe that already works. Let creatively ambitious directors experiment on their own time.

 

If disaster movies are comfort food, The Core goes down like a piping hot Quarter Pounder with cheese (emphasis on the cheese, of course). It remains a lively and entertaining ride that's never dull, despite the feeling of deja vu that hangs over the proceedings...or perhaps because of it.

YOU DIE: Borrowed Time in More Ways Than One

YOU DIE (2020)

Starring Erica Landofi, Carola Cudemo, Simone Valentino, Micol Damilano, Ricco Marazzita. Directed by Alessandro Antonaci, Stefano Mandala & Daniel Lascar. (94 min)

ON DVD FROM DARK SKY FILMS

Review by Josey, the Sudden Cat😼

In addition to being an absolutely bitchin' title for a horror movie, You Die is a cellphone app that lets the dead reach-out from beyond the grave and kill you if you fail to download it to someone else’s phone within 24 hours.

If the premise sparks a little deja vu, you ain’t alone. Granted, I haven't seen many Italian horror films since the '80s, but if this one is any indication, their penchant for thievery remains alive and well. You Die is highly derivative of Ringu, though its trio of directors have a few nifty tricks up their sleeves.

After letting a stranger borrow her cellphone, young Asia (Erica Landofi) discovers a mysterious app, called You Die, has been downloaded. Not only does she see random ghostly figures through the screen, a 24-hour timer begins counting down. At first, she and her friends think its just some kind of game – sort of an evil Pokemon Go – but soon Asia sees dead people stalking her wherever she goes. Not only that, she’s is unable to delete the app or discard her phone (attempting either just speeds up the clock).

In Ringu, whoever watched the mysterious videotape had exactly seven days to avoid dying by showing it to some other poor rube. You Die takes the same basic premise and ups the ante. Asia learns that downloading the app onto another phone doesn’t let you off the hook. It simply buys you another 24 hours, meaning you’re required to find a new victim every day in order to stay alive.

Pokemon No!

This raises an interesting quandary: Are you ready to take a life every single day just to save your own, or will you break the cycle by taking one for the team? The story features a few peripheral characters more-than-willing to do the former, but the second half of the film focuses on Asia’s own moral dilemma, and she’s not as quick make such an ominous decision.

Plotwise, You Die doesn’t hold up to a ton of scrutiny, especially during a key scene of exposition where a guy Asia meets on the dark web explains how the app works. According to him, you aren’t actually supposed to tell anyone else how it works. So how does he know that unless he was told? That means you actually have to break that rule in order for it to spread to more than one phone, otherwise it just dies with the person you shared it with. But since there doesn’t appear to be any consequences for breaking the rule, why is there a rule in the first place?

But despite that lapse in logic, a borrowed premise and some obligatory jump-scares, You Die is an atmospheric little chiller with decent performances and a likable protagonist. It’s seldom very scary, but does manage to maintain a consistently foreboding tone, culminating in an appropriately bleak resolution.

KITTY CONSENSUS:

NOT BAD. LIKE CAT CHOW.

DAYS OF THUNDER (Paramount Presents #5): The Adventures of Top Car

DAYS OF THUNDER (1990)

Starring Tom Cruise, Robert Duvall, Nicole Kidman, Michael Rooker, Cary Elwes, Randy Quaid. Directed by Tony Scott. (107 min)

ON BLU-RAY FROM PARAMOUNT

Review by Tiger the Terrible😼

I know a lot of you are terribly distraught that the release date for the long-gestating sequel to Top Gun has been pushed back due to the ongoing pandemic. But in the meantime, why not amuse yourself with its other sequel?

That “sequel,” of course, is “Top Car,” better known as Days of Thunder, which follows the Top Gun blueprint so closely that one could almost accuse Tom Cruise and director Tony Scott of self-plagiarism. But lets not hold that against them, since it remains a lot of flashy, frivolous fun and a vast improvement over Cruise’s previous sequel, “Top Bar” (aka Cocktail).

You know the formula. Cruise is another cocky hot-shot with a cool name, this time NASCAR driver Cole Trickle. Over the next 107 minutes, he drives fast, gets schooled, gets mentored, finds love, loses love, finds it again, makes enemies, makes frenemies, faces tragedy, becomes conflicted, soul-searches and finally waxes philosophical about what really matters in life (which is, of course, the need for speed). Throw in a soundtrack of booming power ballads and you’ve got Top Gun on a racetrack, minus the homoerotic volleyball scene.

Guess who just got a look at their paychecks.

Days of Thunder is #5 in the Paramount Presents series, consisting of some of the studio’s iconic films. Paramount currently appears to be focusing on the era when they pretty-much dominated the box office with high-concept commercial blockbusters (roughly 1977-1990). As such, you kinda have to include a Tom Cruise movie, don’t you? Might as well be this one, which not-only features Cruise at his Cruisiest, but typically flamboyant direction by the late Tony Scott, still honing the critic-confounding aesthetic sensibilities that made him the Michael Bay of his day.

Like other films in this series, Days of Thunder is nicely remastered with improved picture and sound, enhancing the kinetic racing scenes, not-to-mention David Coverdale’s already-sinus-clearing theme song. But for me, the niftiest aspect is the packaging, which folds-open to reveal the film’s original poster art. The series is obviously intended for those of us who still take pride in displaying how we've blown our discretionary income.

One might argue that Top Gun would have been the more logical choice for the Paramount Presents series, since it was one of the studio’s biggest ‘80s films and created the template for what Roger Ebert would cheekily dub “the Tom Cruise picture.” For all I know, they plan on including it later (perhaps closer the Top Gun: Maverick’s release date). In the meantime, it’s kind-of cool that they went with the less-obvious choice, reminding us that we actually got a Top Gun “sequel” 30 years ago, and a pretty fun one at that.

EXTRA KIBBLES

"FILMMAKER FOCUS” - Retrospective interview with producer Jerry Bruckheimer.

ISOLATED FILM SCORE

KITTY CONSENSUS:

PURR-R-R...LIKE A GOOD SCRATCH BEHIND THE EARS