THE POOP SCOOP: "Wonderful" Edition

UPCOMING KIBBLES THAT MAKE US PURR!

FALL 2: DEADPOINT on digital now and Blu-ray & DVD November 17 from Lionsgate. On a perilous climb across Thailand's Mount Kwan, two climbers become trapped thousands of feet above the ground, where vertigo-inducing heights, sheer exposure, and impossible odds turn every moment into a fight for survival. On October 6, FALL 2: DEADPOINT will be available to buy via Electronic Sell-Thru on participating digital platforms where movies are purchased, including Amazon Prime Video, Apple TV, Fandango, Google TV, YouTube, and more.

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE 80th Anniversary Limited Edition Gift Set coming November 17 from Paramount. Frank Capra’s heart-warming masterpiece has been embraced as a cherished holiday tradition by families around the world! This new Amazon Exclusive set includes 4K, Blu-ray, DVD and digital copies, as well as a keepsake book by actor/author Jimmy Hawkins.

PRACTICAL MAGIC 2 on digital October 14 and 4K, Blu-ray and DVD December 1. The Owens Sisters return in Practical Magic 2, the highly anticipated sequel to the beloved modern classic Practical Magic, debuting on digital at home on October 13. Practical Magic 2 stars Academy Award winners Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman, along with Joey King, Lee Pace, Maisie Williams, Xolo Maridueña, Solly McLeod, with Academy Award winner Dianne Wiest, and Academy Award nominee Stockard Channing.

COYOTE VS. ACME on 4K and Blu-ray December 1 from Ketchup Entertainment. After decades of being blown to bits by bombs, demolished by dynamite, mangled by magnets, battered by boulders, trampled by trains, tricked by tunnels, sprung by springs, steamrolled by steamrollers, maligned by misfires, bedeviled by bungees, rattled by rockets, backstabbed by bat suits, rocked by rocket skates, upended by unicycles, quaked by quake pills, rubberized by rogue bands, and hurled headlong off every cliff in the Southwest, Wile E. Coyote (Genius) finally fights back. Teaming up with billboard accident lawyer Kevin Avery (Will Forte), he takes on slick corporate counsel Buddy Crane (John Cena) and ACME, Inc., the profit-obsessed conglomerate behind every one of the Coyote's chaotic catastrophes. 

LOGAN’S RUN on 4K and Blu-ray December 8 from Arrow Video. This new limited edition features a new restoration with plenty of new and vintage bonus features.

BULLITT on 4K and Blu-ray December 8 from Arrow Video. This new limited edition features a new restoration with plenty of new and vintage bonus features.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RINGS OF POWER - SEASONS 1 & 2 on 4K November 3 from Alliance Entertainment. Set thousands of years before the events of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings, this epic drama follows an ensemble cast of characters, both familiar and new, as they confront the long-feared re-emergence of evil in Middle-earth.

THE END OF OAK STREET on Digital September 15 and Blu-ray, 4K and DVD November 3 from Warner Bros. After a mysterious cosmic event rips Oak Street from suburbia and transports their neighborhood to someplace unknown, the Platt family soon discovers that their very survival depends on them sticking together as they navigate their now unrecognizable surroundings.

FLIC STORY on Blu-ray October 20 from Kino Lorber. Director Jacques Deray follows in the footsteps of master filmmaker Jean-Pierre Melville (Un flic) by bringing unsentimental verve, intelligent pacing and multi-layered performances to this hard-boiled classic of ’70s French film noir. 

THE LAST BOY SCOUT on 4K and Blu-ray October 13 from Arrow Video. The Limited Edition release features a brand-new 4K restoration from the original 35mm camera negative by Arrow Films, approved by director of photography Ward Russell. A Limited Edition Blu-ray release will also be available.   

KPOP DEMON HUNTERS on Blu-ray, 4K and DVD November 3 from Criterion Collection (seriously!). Few films have taken the world by storm quite like KPop Demon Hunters, an Academy Award–winning sensation overflowing with dazzling animation, unforgettable characters, and tenaciously catchy songs. 

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE on 4K, Blu-ray & DVD October 20 from Alliance Entertainment. After being separated for 15 years, the Sword of Power leads Prince Adam (Nicolas Galitzine) back to Eternia where he discovers his home shattered under the fiendish rule of Skeletor (Jared Leto).

GONE WITH THE WIND in 4K and Digital November 3 from Warner Bros. The classic returns newly remastered with extraordinary picture and sound and includes new bonus content. 

Guillermo del Toro’s FRANKENSTEIN on 4K and Blu-ray October 27 from Criterion Collection. A decades-in-the-making triumph of darkly ravishing visual invention and operatic storytelling. 

THE COMPLETE KUBRICK Coming to 4K + Blu-ray October 20 from Criterion Collection. Collected here for the first time are Kubrick’s thirteen features and three shorts, all restored in 4K, over twenty-five hours of interviews, documentaries, and behind-the-scenes materials; and deluxe packaging.

Catnip Reviews: LANDMAN (Season 2), THE MONSTER and BURNING

Snack-sized opinions from the frisky felines at Free Kittens…

LANDMAN Season Two (Blu-ray) - I know series creator Taylor Sheridan is a big deal right now (he practically owns Paramount+). But to be honest, I wish he’d go back to doing more movies because he’s written some real bangers over the years. But I get it…Yellowstone and its spin-offs were much bigger than the likes of Sicario and Wind River (and probably made his wallet a lot fatter). But I think he’s starting to spread himself a little thin now. Tulsa King is okay, but Lioness? Marshalls? The Madison? Meh. Like those shows, Landman boasts a killer cast, this time led by Billy Bob Thornton as Tommy Norris, a Texas oil landman and president of T-Mex Oil. Having never seen Season One, it took me a while to sort out the various subplots and who’s who, but once I did, I kinda felt like I was watching Dallas with F-bombs. While there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that, there are way too many characters to keep track of, and not all of their conflicts are very interesting, which tends to detract from these 10 episodes’ overall bingeworthiness. Fighting for screen time in Season Two include Demi Moore, Andy Garcia, Sam Elliot, Ali Larter, though the show is at its best when focused on Thornton and his character. (2025/418 min/Paramount).

KITTY CONSENSUS: 😼😼

THE MONSTER (Il mostro) (Blu-ray) - This Italian obscurity walks, talks and generally looks like classic Giallo, but to call it such isn’t entirely accurate. The plot involves a mysterious killer who calls themself  “The Monster” and commences bludgeoning a seemingly random batch of victims, but not before sending letters to down-and-out reporter Valerio Barigozzi (Johnny Dorelli), announcing each attack in advance. Seizing the opportunity to get back the respect and notoriety he once had, Valerio milks the situation for all its worth, with histrionic, tabloid-style articles that are a media sensation. Along the way, he becomes a celebrity by actually creating the news rather than simply reporting it. Sorelli himself is a real piece of work. Bitter and angry at first, sudden fame goes to his head, while new-found ambition and greed turn him into something of a monster himself. Though there are certainly Giallo elements to be found, both narratively and aesthetically, actual onscreen violence is limited and the story itself largely unfolds like a black comedy. As such, the film is pretty entertaining, with a wonderfully acidic performance by Dorelli (who was largely known as a Sinatra-like crooner back then). I also wonder if The Monster served as partial inspiration for the conceptually similar Kurt Russell vehicle, The Mean Season. (1977/95 min/Radiance Films).

KITTY CONSENSUS: 😼😼😼

BURNING (DVD) - Not to be confused with the critically-acclaimed 2018 South Korean thriller with the same title, this one hails from Kyrgyzstan. And despite the ominous cover art, grim overall tone and some genuinely creepy sequences (especially during the first act), Burning is ultimately not a horror film...yet arguably more disturbing. It opens with a fire that destroys a young couple’s home, then focuses on a few neighbors who’ve gathered in a nearby shop, three of whom each have different accounts of what caused the fire. Taking a narrative cue from the likes of Rashomon, the film presents three different versions of the same scenario. Only the first segment - the recollection of an old man with a drinking problem - is horror-based and features a couple of effectively nasty scenes. The other accounts are more grounded in reality, and interestingly, based on the subjectivity of the characters telling them. Throughout the story, more is revealed about the young couple (and their history), which eventually alters our perception of each. All the while, Burning becomes an increasingly downbeat, emotionally harrowing film to endure. Though it features good performances, effectively moody direction and timely themes worth exploring, be prepared for one hell of a Debbie Downer.  (2024/101 min/IndiePix).

KITTY CONSENSUS: 😺😺😺

JACKASS: BEST AND LAST: Not The Best, But A Nice Send-Off

JACKASS: BEST AND LAST (Blu-ray)

2026 / 91 min

Paramount

Review by Mr. Bonnie, the Ballkicker😺

It was with just a touch of sadness that I sat down to watch this one with my two daughters. Not only has the film franchise been the mother of all guilty pleasures for nearly a quarter-century, my now-grown kids and I have enjoyed all of them together, gathering on the living room sofa whenever a new one came out on DVD (and later Blu-ray, because Dave England getting doused in pig spooge was screaming for the HD treatment). 

After this, no more Jackass. Unlike countless other franchises with movies touting to be the “final” chapter, I believe Johnny Knoxville when he says Jackass: Best and Last will actually be the last. Even though Natalie, Lucy and I will miss these guys, maybe it’s for the best. Not only is the old guard getting pretty long in the tooth for stunts like this, none of the newer cast members have become nearly as endearing (two movies in, they still remain comparatively anonymous).

"I'd say our Oscar chances are pretty good this time."

While the movie may indeed be the last, the “best” part is certainly debatable. Everybody gathers one last time for a batch of new gags, as well as classic segments from the previous films and a few from the original series that MTV refused to air. Some of the new stuff is great…and gross. My personal favorite is the “office party” held for Ron, an aggressively angry ram. And what Jackass film would complete without a stunt meant to trigger your gag reflex? In this case, a few of the boys engage in a game of naked Twister after chugging colonoscopy laxatives. I also enjoyed the recurring presence of Larry, a robot that performs a prostate exam on Steve-O using peanut butter as lubricant.

However, the older segments, while funny, suggest an effort to pad the whole thing out to a feature length film. I won’t speak for every longtime Jackass fan, but I don’t have any need to be reminded of stunts that are readily available to revisit on discs I already own. Still, Jackass: Best and Last is entertaining, serving as a nice - slightly bittersweet - send-off for a franchise that has kept my family in stitches for years. While we are sad it's the end of an era, we’ll definitely revisit this one from time to time, just like all the other films.

EXTRA KIBBLES

DELETED SCENES MONTAGE

Revisiting FUTUREWORLD in 4K

FUTUREWORLD (4K UHD)

1976 / 108 min

Arrow Video

Review by Mr. Paws😾

This ol’ man seems to remember Futureworld being a lot cooler when he first saw it in a theater. Granted, he was a middle schooler who not-only loved Yul Brynner’s Westworld badassery, he had just recently seen Peter Fonda put the pedal to the metal in Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry, so maybe there was some residual antihero worship going on.

While time can be cruel to a lot of films (especially sci-fi films), I still get a nostalgic kick out of such antiquated epics as Logan’s Run, Rollerball, and of course, the original Westworld. They may be products of their decade, but viewed in that context, there’s still a lot to love, both narratively and aesthetically. Revisiting Futureworld with adult eyes, I now realize it was never very good in the first place. 

Taking place a few years after the disaster at Westworld, Delos is back in business with a bigger, better resort with four individual parks, including the titular playground. To boost the company’s tarnished image, they invite reporters Chuck Browning (Fonda) and Tracy Ballard (Blythe Danner) hoping to generate good publicity from their reviews. Fortunately for the guests, the robots never turn homicidal this time around. But unfortunately for Chuck, Tracy and a couple of world leaders who were also invited, Delos has something more sinister in store for them. 

While I suppose Futureworld deserves an attaboy for not simply being another rampaging robot rehash, the overall plot is kinda ridiculous. Sure, Westworld was ridiculous too, but still managed to be great, violent fun. But not only is this story dull and slow (with only a few brief bursts of low-wattage action), the shocking discovery of Delos’ agenda is underwhelming. Making things worse is the setting. Despite the premise, we see very little of the park itself. Most of the story takes place in tunnels, hotel lobbies, control rooms and what looks like the bowels of a power plant. 

"You stole that jacket from an English teacher, didn't you?"

Some interesting computer graphics notwithstanding, Futureworld is visually drab, similar to a TV movie-of-week from the same era. With hindsight, I guess that’s not too surprising, since many of those involved behind the scenes worked primarily in television. Even with a pretty decent 4K restoration, it still looks and feels smaller, cheaper and more archaic than the original. As for Brynner…back in the day, I was disappointed that his return was basically a gratuitous cameo and the silliest part of the film. Today, the scene is just a sad reminder of what it could have been if American-International (taking over for MGM) had put in a bit more effort, creatively and financially.

But hey, that's just me. Though I doubt there are too many ol’ geezers out there who seriously believe Futureworld holds a candle to the original, some still might consider it a nostalgic blast from the past. For them - or completists who recently grabbed Arrow’s excellent 4K release of Westworld - this might be worth picking up. Though considerably lighter on bonus features and physical goodies, the picture and sound quality is solid.

EXTRA KIBBLES

NOTE: Free Kittens Movie Guide was provided with a promo disc for review purposes. Physical supplemental material included with the final product (booklets, artwork, inserts, etc) were not available for review. 

FUTURE PRESENT is a new interview with producer Paul N. Lazarus III, who admits the film didn’t end up being all that great.

AUDIO COMMENTARY - By filmmaker/historian Daniel Kremer.

FEATURETTE - NASA: Science Fact and Fiction is an archival behind-the-scenes short.

TRAILER, TV & RADIO SPOTS

IMAGE GALLERY

THE BORROWERS and an Ode to Ms. Swanson

THE BORROWERS (Blu-ray)

1997 / 87 min

Alliance Entertainment

Review by Mr. Paws😺

Maybe you’re one of those who recall the one book from your childhood that sparked an interest in reading. For me, it was Mary Norton’s novel, The Borrowers, the story of the tiny Clock Family, who dwell within the walls of a large house and live by ‘borrowing’ various things from the owners. I think it was in fourth or fifth grade that my teacher, Ms. Swanson, would take some time each day to read a chapter or two to the class. 

Normally, story time was the opportunity to doodle, peel Elmer’s glue off my fingers or simply stare slackjawed at the ceiling. But as read by Ms. Swanson (she obviously loved the book herself), I found myself getting sucked into the story. Then I got sick for two weeks, so not-only was I missing school (no big deal), I was missing out on the Clock family’s activities (surprisingly, a very big deal). But my mother came through, bringing home a copy of The Borrowers for me to read at home. Though I’d never willingly cracked open a book in my entire life, I quickly found the chapter where Ms Swanson left off and devoured the rest of the story. Suddenly, books were cool, and could be read for no other reason than pure enjoyment. So wherever you are, Ms, Swanson, thanks!

Being a classic, The Borrowers has been adapted for film and television several times over the years, the first being a made-for-TV movie starring Eddie Albert, which I seem to remember being pretty faithful to the story, but was visually kinda lame (this was in the dark ages of TV special effects). Still, it was neat watching a show based on a story I was already familiar with (allowing me my first opportunity to boast that time-honored claim, “The book was better”).

"Did you seriously just ask where we keep the sugar?"

Fast-forward a few decades and I’m married to Francie with a two-year old daughter. I hadn’t given The Borrowers another thought since the early 70s, but when a big-budget adaptation came out in 1997, I was kind of excited to see it (even though my personal taste in entertainment generally leaned toward the dark stuff). This was also when Francie, too, revealed she read and loved the book as a kid. So without the kid in-tow (two years is still too young to drag a toddler to a theater), Francie and I set-out to revisit a bit of our childhood. And I think we were the only ones in the theater without kids.

My recollection of the novel was hazy at-best, but the movie was a lot of fun…charming, colorful and visually striking. I don’t recall anything about an evil lawyer, Ocious P. Potter (John Goodman), being part of the original narrative (maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t), nor all the Home Alone-inspired elements, but I found the story engaging. The Borrowers themselves, led by patriarch Pod Clock (Jim Broadbent), are wonderfully realized characters, ultimately making the movie more than just kid-friendly eye candy (as do a few bodily function gags that were definitely not part of Norton’s original story). I left the theater thinking the film was a fine, respectful adaptation.

Revisiting The Borrowers years later on Blu-ray, the film has held up pretty well, its special effects and overall aesthetic still quite remarkable for a 30 year old film. As usual for Alliance Entertainment’s ongoing Retro VHS series, the video and audio transfer is decent, though nothing spectacular. And like other films in the series, the only “bonus” is the VHS-styled slipcover. I could never get my own kids interested in this one, though they did inadvertently enjoy the same story through Studio Ghibli’s adaptation, Arrietty. But as someone once inspired by Ms. Swanson’s vivid reading of the book, I'm partial to this version.

THE POOP SCOOP: "Lastday" Edition

UPCOMING KIBBLES THAT MAKE US PURR!

LOGAN’S RUN on 4K and Blu-ray December 8 from Arrow Video. One of the most beloved science-fiction classics of the 1970s, Logan's Run has endured for over 50 years thanks to its shocking and colorfully vivid depiction of a future both utopian and dystopian, where boundless pleasure comes at a deadly price. This new limited edition features a new restoration with plenty of new and vintage bonus features.

BULLITT on 4K and Blu-ray December 8 from Arrow Video. It's a mood, it's a look, it's the roar of an engine and the screech of tyres on asphalt. It's the car, it's the music, it's McQueen and his ice cool eyes. Fasten your seatbelt, Bullitt is back. An iconic action thriller with one of the greatest car chases ever put on film, impeccably directed by Peter Yates, Bullitt set the bar and would go on to influence Walter Hill (The Driver), Michael Mann (Heat), Quentin Tarantino (Death Proof), Christopher McQuarrie (Jack Reacher) and many more. This new limited edition features a new restoration with plenty of new and vintage bonus features.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RINGS OF POWER - SEASONS 1 & 2 on 4K November 3 from Alliance Entertainment. Amazon MGM Studios and Alliance Home Entertainment announce the home video release of The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power - Season 1 and Season 2. Set thousands of years before the events of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings, this epic drama follows an ensemble cast of characters, both familiar and new, as they confront the long-feared re-emergence of evil in Middle-earth. From the darkest depths of the Misty Mountains, to the majestic forests of the elf-capital Lindon; from the breathtaking island kingdom of Númenor, to the furthest reaches of the map – these kingdoms and characters will carve out legacies that live on long after they are gone.  

THE END OF OAK STREET on Digital September 15 and Blu-ray, 4K and DVD November 3 from Warner Bros. After a mysterious cosmic event rips Oak Street from suburbia and transports their neighborhood to someplace unknown, the Platt family soon discovers that their very survival depends on them sticking together as they navigate their now unrecognizable surroundings.

FLIC STORY on Blu-ray October 20 from Kino Lorber. Director Jacques Deray follows in the footsteps of master filmmaker Jean-Pierre Melville (Un flic) by bringing unsentimental verve, intelligent pacing and multi-layered performances to this hard-boiled classic of ’70s French film noir. 

SHREK 25th Anniversary Edition is coming to 4K Ultra HD and Limited Edition Steelbook on November 3 from Universal. To celebrate its 25th anniversary, the film comes home in a stunning newly remastered edition featuring Dolby Vision and Dolby Atmos for an enhanced home viewing and listening experience. 

THE LAST BOY SCOUT on 4K and Blu-ray October 13 from Arrow Video. The Limited Edition release features a brand-new 4K restoration from the original 35mm camera negative by Arrow Films, approved by director of photography Ward Russell. A Limited Edition Blu-ray release will also be available.   

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS on 4K and Digital October 6 from Warner Bros. The newly remastered film will include both the Theatrical and Director’s Cuts, as well as new bonus content. 

KPOP DEMON HUNTERS on Blu-ray, 4K and DVD November 3 from Criterion Collection (seriously!). Few films have taken the world by storm quite like KPop Demon Hunters, an Academy Award–winning sensation overflowing with dazzling animation, unforgettable characters, and tenaciously catchy songs. 

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE on 4K, Blu-ray & DVD October 20 from Alliance Entertainment. After being separated for 15 years, the Sword of Power leads Prince Adam (Nicolas Galitzine) back to Eternia where he discovers his home shattered under the fiendish rule of Skeletor (Jared Leto).

GONE WITH THE WIND in 4K and Digital November 3 from Warner Bros. The film quickly became an “Instant Classic” when it was first released over eighty-five years ago and now returns newly remastered with extraordinary picture and sound and includes new bonus content. 

Guillermo del Toro’s FRANKENSTEIN on 4K and Blu-ray October 27 from Criterion Collection. A decades-in-the-making triumph of darkly ravishing visual invention and operatic storytelling, Frankenstein is a deeply personal statement from a director who has long been drawn to the realm where men and monsters merge.  

THE COMPLETE KUBRICK Coming to 4K + Blu-ray October 20 from Criterion Collection. Collected here for the first time are Kubrick’s thirteen features and three shorts, all restored in 4K, over twenty-five hours of interviews, documentaries, and behind-the-scenes materials; and deluxe packaging.

KITTEN COLLECTIBLES #16: Saved By the Cow!

In addition to watching and writing about films, I’m something of a memorabilia collector. I ain’t out there bidding on Dorothy’s ruby slippers or anything, but certainly enjoy haunting local shops for a variety of movie-related stuff. Or when feeling particularly bold, I’ll occasionally overpay for some retro relic on eBay. More often than not, I leave stores empty-handed. But every now and then, I’ll find a small treasure that doesn’t completely empty my wallet and give it a new home in the Dave Cave.

A Treasure Hunt by D.M. ANDERSON💀

As of this writing, I am a fugitive…at large, on the lam, a wanted man. And they’ll never take me alive.

My crime? It all started one Sunday afternoon several weeks ago, when the family and I decided to visit some of the unique local shops in a part of Portland we don’t regularly frequent. Of particular interest to me was Rewind Toys and Collectibles, a fairly new vintage store. Well, new to me, anyway.

Being that it was an unfamiliar neighborhood, I was keeping a sharp eye out for the street I needed...so sharp that I blew right through an intersection while the light was red, despite my wife shouting “Dave! Dave! Dave!” I also caught the unmistakable flash of a traffic camera, catching me dead to rights. Shit.

“Well, I guess I have that to look forward to in the mail,” I groused. My wife and daughters, however, thought it was hilarious, probably because I always boasted myself as a great driver and often pointed out how bad others are. I’m sometimes even critical of my own family’s driving skills. Almost immediately, my girls came up with a nickname, “Red Light Runner,” which they proceeded to chorus at every subsequent traffic light. And it has since become a running gag whenever I go through an intersection while the light is yellow…which happens a lot more than I’d like to admit.  

In fact, maybe it’s time to admit that I’m not the skilled motorist I always considered myself to be. After all, the last traffic ticket in the family was mine (also for running a red light), as was the last fender bender. In the interim, there have been dozens of occasions where I nearly backed into something, tried to switch lanes while another car was there, or rear-ended the driver in front of me. If not for the vigilance of my wife in the passenger seat, there’s a chance I might’ve killed thousands by now. 

Anyway, we eventually found the place, crammed with vintage toys from days gone by and operated by a guy named Joe, who was friendly, helpful and pretty knowledgeable of his inventory. Like similar stores, a lot of it didn’t pique my interest (Pokemon, Star Wars, Funko Pops, superheroes), but tucked in the back of a display case was a Hanson Brothers action figure from the classic film, Slap Shot, the best sports movie ever made. Consider it sold, Joe!

I continued browsing, and just when I thought I’d seen everything worth buying on this trip, I spotted it, sitting high atop another display case…an old plastic toy helicopter from the film, Blue Thunder. Unlike a lot of the figures and models I collect that were never actually meant to be played with, this was a genuine tie-in toy that definitely was played with. Until now, I’d never seen one before. That’s the kind of shit I love finding…memorabilia and toys from old movies that didn't become cultural milestones (which explains why I have so much crap related to The Black Hole).

Joe's place to the Dave Cave!

Joe obviously knew he had something rare, reflected by the price tag. Besides getting the wife’s blessing, I had to decide what was more pressing…grabbing this ancient beauty or using the same cash to pay the inevitable traffic ticket that was destined to arrive in my mailbox. Then Joe made my decision easier by knocking 25 bucks off the price…ticket be damned.

But even after three weeks of opening the mailbox each day with mounting dread, that ticket never came. Did I get away with it? If not, what were the Portland Police waiting for? After all, their traffic cam caught me in the act!

Then I realized something. When we bought our car (brand new and equipped with enough sensors, alarms & warning lights to remind me what a shitty driver I really am), we never attached the front license plate. Instead, we put on a novelty plate of a cartoon cow to give the car more personality. The cow’s expression is probably identical to the look of terror on mine and my wife’s faces when I blasted through the red light…which means (fingers still crossed) that the traffic cam did not capture our actual license plate number! Woo hoo! 

Saved by the cow!

On the other hand, maybe I’m not out of the woods just yet. For all I know, there’s now a city-wide APB on me. “Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Be on the lookout for a late model Nissan with a terrified bovine of the front bumper and an epic dumbass behind the wheel with the same expression. Last seen overpaying for a toy assault helicopter.” 

At any rate, they haven’t found me yet. I remain at-large and a menace to society, especially to any motorists unfortunate enough to be sharing the road with me. And thanks to my family, I have a moniker befitting my notorious life of crime: The Red Light Runner.