September 29, 2014

AIR FORCE ONE: Fox News Sexy-Time

Starring Harrison Ford, Gary Oldman, Glenn Close, Dean Stockwell, Xander Berkeley, William H. Macy. Directed by Wolfgang Petersen. (1997, 124 min).

One weekend, while his wife was out of town, Bill O’Reilly invited his good buddies, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter and Mike Huckabee over to his house for a movie night…

BILL: Thanks for coming, guys. I got the TV fired up in the den and a fridge full of Buds. Let’s get this party started!
MIKE: Woo Hoo! Pornos!
ANN: Dude, put your shirt back on. You’re acting like a  liberal.
SEAN (grabbing a beer from the fridge): So, what are we watchin’?
BILL (beaming proudly): I thought we’d start off with Killing Lincoln -
MIKE: Drilling Lincoln! That’s my favorite! I love that that part when Abe and Mary Todd are doin’ the Club Sandwich position, then Booth comes in with that huge vibrating -
BILL: No, no! Killing Lincoln…the movie based on my book, a New York Times bestseller, by the way. You’re thinking of the porn parody, Mike.
ANN: No-doubt funded by immigrants, Muslims and gays.
SEAN: Bill, we watch that one every time we come over. Even you must be getting tired of it by now. (He shotguns the entire beer in a few seconds, then pops open another)
BILL: Well, what do you guys want to watch?
MIKE: Woo Hoo! Pornos!
BILL: I got Killing Kennedy -
MIKE: Drilling Kennedy! I love that one, too, especially when Jackie O straps on that -
BILL: No, dammit! Killing Kennedy…based on another one of my books, also a New York Times bestseller, I might add.
SEAN: Don’t you have anything you don’t get royalties from?
BILL (shrugs): Just this…
ANN: Hey…Air Force One. Isn’t that the one where Harrison Ford plays -
BILL, SEAN, MIKE (chorusing): An ass-kicking president!
ANN: Fire that bitch up!

The four engage in high-fives and chest-bumps before Bill pops the disc into his DVD player. Then, after grabbing more beers, they sit on the sofa together as the movie begins...

MIKE: Any of you guys see Bare Force One? There’s a scene in the plane’s restroom that I swear they used contortionists for, and -
SEAN: Shhh! This is better than pornos.
BILL: Look at President Marshall at the podium, laying down the law regarding terrorism. Now that’s a speech!
SEAN: I’ll say. Look at my arms. Goosebumps!
ANN: Me too. If our current president showed those kind of balls, I’d rock his world whenever Michelle was out of town.
SEAN: Me, too!

An awkward silence prevails…

SEAN: I go girl!

"It's my mother...tell her I'm not here."
Sean gets up to grab everyone another beer. They all watch in relative silence until Air Force One is overtaken by a group of Russian terrorists (led by Korshunov, played by Gary Oldman) still loyal to their captured dictator, Ivan Radek, who killed over 200, 000 people. President Marshall (Harrison Ford) is escorted below deck by Secret Service to the escape pod, but since his family is still onboard, he launches the empty pod to fool the terrorists into thinking he got away.

BILL: Escape pod. Brilliant strategy. Only in America.
SEAN: Damn straight! I love documentaries.
MIKE: I love porno documentaries!
ANN: I can imagine me and George W. rockin’ that pod!
MIKE: So can I!
SEAN: Wait…wasn’t there another movie where Air Force One had an escape pod?
BILL: You’re thinking of Escape from New York. It’s a well-known fact John Carpenter stole the idea from this movie.
SEAN: But didn’t Escape from New York come out in 1981, sixteen years earlier?
BILL (tapping Hannity on the forehead): Use your noggin! Carpenter’s a conniving Hollywood liberal who knew a right-thinking republication strategist would eventually think of it, so he stole the idea in advance -
ANN: To save a fucking British that would ever happen.
BILL: So shut your hole, Sean. And slow down on the beer. This is a no spin zone.

Vice President Kathryn Bennett (Glenn Close) arrives at the White House Situation Room, where she is briefed on the situation. The terrorists threaten to shoot a hostage every half hour until General Radek is released.

ANN: What! A woman vice president? Bill, you know how much I hate science fiction!
MIKE: Then let’s watch pornos!
BILL (raising his hands): Okay, okay…we all know Hollywood likes to indulge in a bit of fantasy now and then…like Toy Story and Zero Dark Thirty. You just gotta suspend some disbelief.
ANN: I can’t.
SEAN: I dunno…Bennett seems pretty reluctant take action and shoot the plane down, probably ‘cause she‘s waiting for a man to take charge. Ain’t that just like a woman?
ANN: Good point. If I can accept talking toys, I guess I can put-up with a woman vice president. (Under her breath, she adds, “Even though Glenn Close looks like a dyke").

Soon after, President Marshall uses his military skills to start taking out the terrorists one by one. 

SEAN: God, that’s so hot…
MIKE: You’re right, Sean. This is better than pornos!

Bill's O-face.
As Marshall makes his way through the plane, kicking-ass and blowing terrorists away, Sean unconsciously slips his hand down the front of his own trousers.

BILL: Sean, what the hell are you doing on my sofa?
SEAN: Come on, Bill…this is the sexiest movie ever! What are you, a eunuch? You can’t tell me you haven’t bopped your baloney to this before!
BILL: Not around my colleagues, for Christ’s sake.
MIKE: You need to lighten up, O’Reilly. Me and my frat brothers used to do this all the time on weekends

Mike stands, drops his pants and commences his own five-knuckle-shuffle.

MIKE: Ah, yeah…
BILL: Come on, guys…I just had everything steam cleaned!
ANN: Then why don’t you be a congenial host and go fetch us some towels…

Ann hikes up her skirt to reveal a hunk of anatomy that would make John Holmes proud. All the men collectively gasp, though none are actually surprised. Bill stands up and hits the pause button, right before Marshall pulls the rip-cord of the parachute which snaps lead-terrorist Korshunov’s neck. 

BILL: Okay! Okay! If we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna do it right! As a team! Mike, you grab Sean. Sean, since you’ve got the biggest hands, you’ll take care of Ann. Ann, hold Bill Jr. here while I handle Mike and the remote. Sound fair?
SEAN: Fair and balanced, buddy!
MIKE: Wait! I still got a free hand. Lemme grab my iPhone and we can make our own porno!

No comments: