July 28, 2014

ARMAGEDDON: A Review in Verse

Starring Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, Billy Bob Thornton, Will Patton, Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson, Michael Clarke Duncan, William Fichtner, Peter Stormare. Directed by Michael Bay. (1998, 151 min).

There’s a director by the name Michael Bay,
A man who just loves to blow things away,
Like cars & buildings & people and such -
He has no use for the term, ‘too much.’

Turned loose with loads of pyrotechnic toys,
He assaulted our senses with The Rock and Bad Boys.
Though he filled plot holes with bombs, guns & stuff,
Citywide destruction just wasn’t enough.

“Small potatoes!” he declared while thumping his chest
Because big loud destruction is what he does best.
“The only type of movie to represent my worth
Is one where I can threaten the entire planet Earth!”

Armageddon, it was called, a pretty great title
For a movie so extreme it makes Die Hard look idle.
There’s a massive asteroid, the size of a state,
Which is speeding toward Earth to seal all our fates.

Bruce Willis, as Harry, is launched into space
Because movies this epic need a big famous face.
Liv Tyler is his daughter, who’s looking for nookie
From a slumming Ben Affleck and his animal cookies.

"My toys....mine."
Harry’s motley misfits must land on the rock
And blow it to bits while racing the clock.
His crew are all actors with talent to spare,
But their skills are all wasted because Bay didn’t care…

With a screenplay written by a staff of monkeys,
And a team of editors who are caffeine junkies,
Bay showed up and blowed up whole cities at will,
Which helped mask his lack of narrative skill.

Despite the fact Armageddon was the same
As Deep Impact, but more like a video game,
Moviegoers flocked and were pummeled to submission
By explosions, death and epic attrition.

As if Armageddon alone wasn’t stupid enough,
Michael Bay went on to make more insulting stuff
Because even though nearly all his films stink,
They appeal to those who don’t like to think…

Which is why such movies as Transformers exist,
Despite the fact it’s just a cinematic cyst.
We were privy to where Hollywood was headin’
When they allowed Michael Bay to make Armageddon.

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