August 15, 2015


I’ve attended movies where, when the end credits start to roll, people in the audience break into applause. Unless you’re lucky enough to be invited to a world premiere where members of the cast and crew are in attendance, who the hell are you applauding…the employee in the projection booth who made the sure film started on time?

Sometimes I'm almost thankful when a film I really enjoyed flops at the box office. It guarantees no one will come along and attempt a shitty sequel.

Have you ever met someone who thinks seeing Schindler's List or 12 Years a Slave suddenly makes them well-informed on historical atrocities?

Feeling threatened, guys? All part of Hollywood's master plan.

Studios have one make profitable movies. There's no racist agenda, black agenda, feminist agenda, liberal agenda, gay agenda or any other agenda consciously placed within a big-budgeted Hollywood movie with the sole purpose of personally offending you. George Miller did not spend ten years and $150 million making Mad Max: Fury Road with the intent of emasculating the few misogynists in the audience who felt threatened by a female ass-kicker.

Hey, make-up roughly 5% of the potential audience for any movie, and your die hard allegiance to the source material is of little concern to Hollywood. They don’t make these movies exclusively for you, despite how much you bitch online with other like-minded folks over changes to your precious comics. Your collective voice isn’t that loud, and the 95% of the audience didn’t care if Ben Kingsley wasn’t the real Mandarin in Iron Man 3.

Speaking of Fanboys...why do some of you work yourselves into a frenzy with the incessant need to know and discuss every single detail, costume, plot-point or potential character revelation months before you even get to see the damn thing? What's the fun in that? Don't you ever want to be surprised on occasion, rather than pay your ten bucks just to confirm what you already know is going to happen?

One a related note, the internet is arguably the worst thing to ever happen to die hard cinema lovers. I can't count how many times, when there's been a major film I'm really looking forward to, I've forced myself to avoid various movie-related websites or forums because there's inevitably some lowlife hell-bent on giving everything away.

While we're on the subject, here's a message to legions of writers on the internet (myself included): No matter who you are, no matter how much you love or hate a franchise, no matter what your intentions...if you provide spoilers for any movie (even if you post a Spoiler Alert beforehand), you’re an asshole. And if, for some reason, you are unable to discuss a film without providing spoilers, learn to write better.

Just because a film is gory does not necessarily make it a horror movie.

Exactly when did movie trailers become newsworthy? They're commercials, certainly not worth writing entire articles about or discussing for hours in a public forum.

Am I the only one increasingly insulted by the number of franchises being rebooted before the corpses of the old ones are even cold?

If you don't know who John Ford, Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Francis Ford Coppola or Martin Scorsese are, kindly remove yourself from any serious movie discussion until you've gone back and watched a few of their masterpieces.

If a film-related article on the internet has a headline which ends with a question mark, chances are it's essentially worthless as actual news. It's most-likely click-bait loaded with unconfirmed speculation.

On Tuesdays, movie tickets are only five bucks at the Regal Cinemas in my hometown. Initially, my wife and I thought this would be the best time to catch the latest blockbusters. We were soon proven wrong however, because that’s also the time when worst people decide to go to the movies as well, those who obviously don’t get out much, forget they aren’t at home and still think it’s okay to talk and text to their hearts’ content. Bargain days are the worst days to go to the movies.

Stop making fun of Twilight. All the jokes, memes and rants have already been done. You’re adding nothing new to the argument. Move on.

If you've never bothered to watch a western, you aren't a movie fan.

...because movies didn't exist before this author was born.

There's an increasing number of writers on the internet who pretentiously post "Best of All Time" lists in various categories, then make it immediately obvious their definition of "All Time" is only the last 30 years or so.

True zombie fans know the undead don't just eat brains.

This current wave of Adam Sandler bashing is somewhat amusing, with countless folks ranting about how awful his recent films have been, apparently forgetting Sandler was never all that funny unless you're 12 years old. A few semi-dramatic roles notwithstanding, he's the Jerry Lewis of the 21st Century, a one-trick pony whose schtick has simply outstayed its welcome because his initial audience grew up.

The term, blockbuster, refers to any movie which becomes a massive hit at the box office. It has nothing to do with a film's budget, quality, pre-release hype, special effects, star power or franchise potential. Like it or not, Paranormal Activity was a blockbuster, Edge of Tomorrow wasn't (though it should have been).

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