August 2, 2012

20 Things We Learn From WATERWORLD

Starring Kevin Costner, Dennis Hopper, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Tina Majorino, Michael Jeter. Directed by Kevin Reynolds (mostly by Kevin Costner). (1995, 135 min).

1. Civilization may be submerged under hundreds of feet of water, but there are still plenty of cigarettes, flares, booze, gasoline, guns & ammo to go around.

2. Paper is extremely valuable (though we don't actually learn why).

3. It is possible to move a 1,000 foot, multi-ton oil tanker through the water with just a few dozen makeshift oars.

4. Jet-Skis always explode on impact.

5. Child abuse is alive and well in the future. Only truly asshole parents would ink a painfully elaborate tattoo on their toddler's back, and then take off to an island paradise without her.

6. The 'dry land' found at the end of the film must be Mt. Everest, since it is the highest point on Earth, and is the only land not completely submerged.

7. People in the future no longer have to spend days decompressing after venturing thousands of feet under water.

8. There must be a Fresh Water Fairy in the future, the only explanation why even a drop can be found on a planet totally covered in sea water.

9. Pee makes a tasty beverage.

10. Kevin Costner has finally claimed the title of "Worst Hair in Hollywood," long-held by Michael Caine.

Alright...Who peed in the pool?!?
11. SPAM really does last a long freaking time (but where are the Twinkies?).

12. Universal Pictures thinks its audience is comprised of idiots. Even though the film opens with the polar caps melting and flooding the entire world (through admittedly-clever use of the Universal logo), we are provided an ominous voice-over explaining what we are all sitting there watching.

13. Dennis Hopper is the only cast member who looks like he had fun making this movie.

14. Hey! Jack Black!

15. George Miller deserves co-story credit.

16. Despite the fact they've been submerged for 500 years, crayons still work!

17. Using a ramp, it is possible to for a water-skier clear a thirty-foot steel wall and land safely of the other side.

18. Waterworld, Dances with Wolves and The Postman, could be considered Kevin Costner's "Messiah Complex Trilogy."

19. Horses will be one of the few animals to survive the apocalypse.

20. Despite being considered one of the biggest box-office flops in history (which isn't actually true, by the way), Waterworld isn't nearly as god-awful as its reputation. As post-apocalypse movies go, it is still a lot more fun (and has a lot more action) than Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

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