March 22, 2013

20 Things We Learn from the DIE HARD Franchise

1. The original is still the Star Wars of action movies. Ever since 1988, how many times have we walked out of a movie and said, "It's good, but no Die Hard." The last few sequels aren't Die Hard, either.
2. Germany builds their super villains nearly as well as they build sports cars.
 3. When the shit goes down, the FBI will suddenly become as pathetic and helpless as my dog after he's caught peeing in the house.
4. Contrary to popular belief, Twinkies eventually expire.
5. Unless you're Bruce Willis, do not fuck with Alan Rickman.
6. If your hair is starting to fall out, you might as well bite the bullet and get rid of it all. Who may end up looking like a badass.
7. Bonnie Bedelia looks like your childhood friend's hot mom you used to shamefully fantasize about.
8. It's possible to leap from a bridge onto a moving freighter, with only a few painful bruises to show for it.
9. Police cars can fly.
10. If you are cast as a secondary character in a Die Hard movie, you are most-likely being paid for your ability to come across as a complete idiot.
11. Mercenaries should try-out for the NBA, since they are able to toss every single grenade 20 feet through a tiny cockpit window.
12. CGI has never improved a single franchise, but you knew that after The Phantom Menace. The fact the original Die Hard still boasts the best special effects of the entire franchise simply nails this home.
13. Adding sidekicks doesn't improve the sequels, either, though Justin Long comes reaallly close to stealing Live Free or Die Hard right from under Willis' nose.
14. If the character of John McClane manages to become estranged from his wife, daughter and son over the course of 25 years, he must actually be quite a douchebag when he's not working.
15. Since Bruce Willis becomes more indestructible with each film, Live Free or Die Hard and A Good Day to Die Hard could also be considered defacto sequels to Unbreakable.
16. No one likes a John McClane who can't let the f-bombs fly.
17. The book is not always better than the movie. In fact, how many of you even remember the original was even based on a novel (Nothing Lasts Forever, by Roderick Thorp), or Die Hard 2 was based on a another unrelated novel by a completely different author (58 Minutes, by Walter Wager)?
18. Out of novels? No can turn anything into a Die Hard movie. Die Hard with a Vengeance began life as a Lethal Weapon sequel, and Live Free or Die Hard was inspired by a 1997 article in Wired magazine. As for A Good Day to Die Hard? Maybe a million monkeys with typewriters couldn't pump out Shakespeare, but a Die Hard sequel like this isn't out of the question.
19. If the approaching asteroid in Armageddon was populated with evil Germans, it could be another Die Hard sequel.
20. In fact, there are a lot of Bruce Willis movies that could have been Die Hard sequels, like The Last Boy Scout, The Fifth Element, 16 Blocks, Striking Distance and RED (you know, as sort-of a final chapter), as long as he's blowing shit up. Because, in the end, McClane is just a name...all we really care about is watching Willis blow shit up.

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