September 4, 2012


Say hello to my little friend... very own Terminator.”

                                        -John Conner

Ever since hearing that line in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, I’ve often thought about what I would do if I had my own killer cyborg programmed to obey my every command. Of course, being movie heroes, the Conner family used him to try and prevent a war which would exterminate mankind. ‘Tis a noble, selfless goal, and if I were in John’s shoes, I probably would have gotten around to saving the world, too...

...eventually. In the meantime, why not use this awesome, futuristic hunk of malevolent technology to make my own life a little easier? For example, if I had my own Terminator:

  • That guy on the cell phone in the car ahead would be making his last call...ever.
  • The divorce from my first wife would have been a lot quicker...and cheaper.
  • The line at Starbucks would be shorter.
  • "I'd like two Super Bowl tickets please, right on the fifty-year line, and I do not wish pay for them. No? Arnold...kill this man."
  • I'd go to my next class reunion and finally exact revenge on that jock-douchebag who used to pick on me for no reason whatsoever.
  • The two of us would pay the I.R.S. a visit and do a little audit of our own.
  • I’d save a lot more than 15% on my car insurance.
  • “Well, (insert car salesman’s name here), my offer for this 2013 Mustang is...lemme see...I got forty-three bucks in my wallet. No? Arnold...kill this man.”
  • I’d ride 'bitch' on his Harley because I still don’t know how to ride a motorcycle.
  • All my school loans would be immediately forgiven.
  • Walgreens would accept my insurance card, even if I didn’t bring it with me.
  • I could borrow his sunglasses whenever I lost mine (which is often).
  • Those two slobbering pitbulls that my neighbor lets outside so they can bark all goddamn night? Dead.
  • My own dog would stop pissing on the carpet by the front way or another.
  • “Mr. Limbaugh? I was wondering if you’d do me a solid and shut the fuck up for the rest of your hateful life. No? Arnold...kill this man.”
  • Firefly wouldn't have been canceled.
  • That lady in front of me at the check-out line with an envelope stuffed with coupons would wisely decide to redeem them another time.
  • My kids would clean their rooms when told, not when they felt like it.
  • “Yeah, I know I didn’t grab a Fast-Pass earlier, but I’d like to ride Splash Mountain right now, anyway. No? Arnold...kill this man.”
  • As a professional educator who teaches in the real world, it pains me to say this, but some children would be left behind...permanently.
  • I'd finally win an occasional argument with my wife (well, maybe...she is pretty scary when she‘s mad).
  • He could have prevented Terminator: Salvation from being made.
"Put away all those coupons...ahhshole."

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