THE AMITYVILLE HORROR and the Big Bamboozle

THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979)

Starring James Brolin, Margot Kidder, Rod Steiger, Don Stroud. Directed by Stuart Rosenberg. (119 min)

Essay by D.M. ANDERSON💀

For a brief time in the late 70s, the Lutz family was a household name. Their terrifying account of spending a month in their demon-infested new home was the subject of Jay Anson’s book, The Amityville Horror, which scared the living shit out of damn-near everyone and became a literary phenomenon similar to The Da Vinci Code…the book everyone just had to read. While not particularly well-written, what made it truly terrifying was, unlike The Shining or The Exorcist, we were duped into believing the Lutz’ story was true.

THIS BOOK MADE ME PEE

Naturally, Hollywood came calling and The Amityville Horror was adapted into a film in 1979 by American-International Pictures (one of their few big-budget attempts to compete with the major studios). Having just read a copy of the tattered paperback that was making the rounds at my high school – resulting in a sleepless night or two – I just had to check it out, as did everyone else who read it because the Southgate Quad was packed on opening night. Before the lights went down, I overheard others talking-up the scariest sections of the book with anticipation in their voices. Even the friend I came to the movie with – who’d usually rather be caught masturbating than reading a book – said he nearly pissed himself at the part describing a pair of hellish red eyes peering through the Lutz’ bedroom window. Whether The Amityville Horror was true or not, surely the movie would be scary as fuck.

James Brolin & Margot Kidder play George & Kathy Lutz, who learn the hard way how they got their new home so cheap: the last family who lived there were all murdered. Worse yet, the evil which possessed one of the sons to commit this horrible act is still in the house and they don’t like the Lutz' presence one damn bit. Like the book, The Amityville Horror isn’t particularly well-made. Unlike the book, it isn’t particularly scary, either. Those demonic red eyes that practically jumped from the printed page looked more like lights from a couple of smoke alarms. American-International may have opened their wallets a bit wider for this one, but everything still looked kinda cheap. The film also made enough wholesale changes to the story – even condensing the timeline – to suggest the filmmakers were not among its believers. At the showing I attended, no one screamed, jumped or gasped, though I did hear a few chuckles.

"Hey, honey...maybe that's the demon who took your pants."

Still, for a movie driven more by profit than passion, The Amityville Horror was kind of fun, once I accepted that fact it wouldn't depict the book’s most terrifying moments as vividly as my imagination once did. And in director Stuart Rosenberg’s defense, Stanley Kubrick couldn’t do it with The Shining either. Like Meteor and The Island of Dr. Moreau, it was ultimately another AIP B-movie dolled-up with A-list talent. Sure, the whole thing was cheesy trash, but at least it wasn’t boring and Rod Steiger’s histrionic turn as a terrified priest was comedy gold.

In ensuing years, the Lutz’ story has pretty-much been declared total bullshit, but that didn’t stop The Amityville Horror from spawning a franchise that still has brand name value four decades later, with 23 (and counting!) films that have Amityville in the title. Today, the original film is held in fairly high regard by horror fans who were around back then, probably more out of nostalgia than any actual terror they might have felt. It's amusing to recall how easily bamboozled we were.

A TALE OF TWO SNIPES

THE CONTRACTOR (2007) & THE FAN (1996)

THE CONTRACTOR Starring Wesley Snipes, Eliza Bennett, Lena Headey, Ralph Brown, Charles Dance. Directed by Josef Rusnak. (99 min) THE FAN Starring Robert De Niro, Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo, Benicio Del Toro, Ellen Barkin. Directed by Tony Scott. (116 min)

ON BLU-RAY FROM

MILL CREEK ENTERTAINMENT

Review by Tiger the Terrible😼

This double-feature collection is a tale of two Snipes.

The first one pops up in The Fan, an in-your-face Tony Scott-directed thriller made at a time when Wesley Snipes was still an A-lister and willing to demonstrate his versatility in a variety of roles and genres. He plays Bobby Rayburn, a pro ballplayer who’s worshipped by dangerously-obsessive fan Gil Renard (Robert De Niro). When Bobby’s batting average tanks, Gil goes to extremes to try and break him out of his slump, including kidnapping and murder.

Wesley the Omniscient.

Snipes is decent, but struggles to keep up with De Niro’s indubitable brand of scenery chewing. As Gil, he makes Travis Bickle seem downright catatonic, blustering his way through a series of confrontations that are both campy and uncomfortable, every scene given an additional caffeine jolt by Scott’s visual chest-thumping. Subtle, it ain’t.

Speaking of Tony Scott – the Michael Bay of his day – it looks like director Josef Rusnak took a few cues from the master for his own action opus, The Contractor. Hyperactive camerawork and seizure-inducing quick-cuts are here in abundance, even for scenes that don’t really need them. This one features the second Snipes, content to grunt and glower his way through a plethora of direct-to-video potboilers.

Snipes' happy face...and angry face...and sad face...

In this one, he plays James Dial, a former CIA assassin recruited for just one more job: take-out a terrorist currently in custody in London. However, the hit doesn’t go quite as planned. Now he’s being hunted by both Inspector Ballard (Lena Headey) and Dial’s own boss, Jeremy Collins (Ralph Brown), who fears being exposed in Washington for using CIA operatives as hitmen. Dial gets unexpected assistance from plucky 12-year-old Emily, suggesting Rusnak might also be a fan of Luc Besson.

Though narratively and stylistically derivative, The Contractor is fairly enjoyable, with a better cast than your usual direct-to-video thriller. The Fan is bigger and flashier, but sometimes tough sledding. De Niro may have done his job a bit too well, making Gil Renard so irredeemably abhorrent that he isn’t much fun to be around.

EXTRA KIBBLES

DVD COPY

KITTY CONSENSUS:

NOT BAD. LIKE CAT CHOW.

THE GRUDGE: Same Curse, More Blood

THE GRUDGE (2020)

Starring Andrea Riseborough, Demián Bichir, John Cho, Betty Gilpin, Lin Shaye, Jacki Weaver, William Sadler, Frankie Faison. Directed by Nicholas Pesce. (93 min)

ON BLU-RAY FROM SONY

Review by Josey, the Sudden Cat😼

I was never that enamored with 2004’s The Grudge, mostly because it felt pretty derivative of The Ring, as did all the other remakes Hollywood cranked out during its brief infatuation with J-horror. So my expectations for this belated fourth entry in the franchise weren’t exactly lofty.

Maybe that’s why I kind-of enjoyed it.

Despite the identical title, this isn’t a remake, nor is it exactly a sequel. The Grudge is more like a spin-off with a prologue that has an American nurse quitting her job at the same Tokyo house from the first film, unknowingly bringing the curse back home with her. A few years later, an investigation by the recently-widowed Detective Muldoon (Andrea Riseborough) loosely works as a framing device for the film to tell three concurrent stories. All of them involve poor bastards unfortunate enough to have ventured into a suburban house where the titular demon has taken residence. Like a virus, once someone is exposed, the little Grudgling follows, along with a variety of violent pleasantries.

"Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!"

None of it is particularly original, nor are there a ton of surprises. However, The Grudge makes nice use of its non-linear narrative to show how the characters from each “story” are ultimately linked. It also features a strong cast that includes a variety of familiar character actors, such as John Cho, Demián Bichir, William Sadler, Frankie Faison and everyone’s favorite senior scream queen, Lin Shaye. Finally, the film more-than-earns its R-rating with some nasty bits of bone-breaking, blood-spattering violence (though I could have done without seeing a child murdered by her own mother).

The Grudge isn’t a great film. A reasonable argument could be made that it isn’t even a good one. But since I was expecting neither, it was certainly watchable enough. While bringing nothing new to the franchise (or horror, in general), the film is efficiently assembled and doesn’t water-down the mayhem for the mallrat crowd.

EXTRA KIBBLES

FEATURETTES - “Designing Death” (making of featurette); “The Cast of the Cursed” (cast & crew featurette)

"EASTER EGG HAUNT” - Director Nicholas Pesce explains several references to previous films, as well as the symbolism of recurring numbers.

DELETED & ALTERNATE SCENES

DIGITAL COPY

KITTY CONSENSUS:

NOT BAD. LIKE CAT CHOW. 

AMERICAN ZOMBIELAND: No Relation to You-Know-What

AMERICAN ZOMBIELAND (2020)

Starring Dave Mussen, Johnny Dowers, Brave Matthews, Samantha Walker, Sondra Currie, Kristen Renton, Benjamin Chamberlain. Directed by George Bennet. (88 min)

ON DVD FROM 

MILL CREEK ENTERTAINMENT

Review by Josey, the Sudden Cat😾

Once upon a time, zombie movies grew so prolific that the poor ghouls simply weren’t scary anymore (even showing up on the Disney Channel). It was just a matter of time before the genre turned on itself, playing everything for laughs, a trend arguably kick-started by Shaun of the Dead.

The pendulum has since swung the other way. Zom-coms are now a dime a dozen, most loaded with smug self-awareness and cartoon splatstick. More often than not, zombies aren’t funny anymore, either.

The conspicuously-titled American Zombieland doesn’t buck the downward trend, which is a shame because its basic concept is actually pretty decent: During an outbreak in Texas, a down-on-his-luck horror hack, Sam, takes advantage of the situation by gathering his friends to direct a film using real zombies. That premise has the makings of a clever spin on the whole genre, even if it was taken relatively seriously.

Sam enjoys his collection of Dear John letters.

But aside from a few satiric jabs at news media, a disturbingly-creative animated sequence and an all-too-brief moment when Sam’s ambition takes a dangerous turn into obsession, American Zombieland eschews brains for a non-stop parade of screaming characters, fat jokes, bodily functions, drugs, boobs, beer and, of course, buckets of blood. Much of the humor is intentionally tasteless, which would be fine if it was actually funny. Even the revealed cause of the zombie outbreak is painfully stupid.

Considering the obvious low budget, the film is fairly well put together and some of the make-up effects are decent. But American Zombieland ultimately fails as both horror and comedy, adding nothing new to an already-tired subgenre. There are plenty of better zom-coms more worth your time.

KITTY CONSENSUS:

MEH...LIKE SHARING THE BED WITH THE DOG.

Rest in Peace, Stuart Whitman

Stuart Whitman (1928-2020)

THE STALKING MOON and the Phantom Menace

THE STALKING MOON (1968)

Starring Gregory Peck, Eva Marie Saint, Robert Forster, Noland Clay, Russell Thorson, Nathaniel Narcisco. Directed by Robert Mulligan. (109 min)

ON BLU-RAY FROM

WARNER ARCHIVE COLLECTION

Review by Mr. Paws😾

High Noon notwithstanding, there’s something wrong with a western when your bad guy doesn’t show up until the final act.

We hear about him plenty and even see the aftermath of his handiwork. But not only is he off-screen for the first two-thirds of The Stalking Moon, when he finally does arrive, we hardly see his face and he says almost nothing. The unseen menace might work in some genres – such as horror – but not westerns, which generally rely on a villain who’s just as dynamic as the hero.

Speaking of heroes, this one has Gregory Peck as Sam Varner, a retiring Army scout who reluctantly agrees to escort Sarah Carver (Eva Marie Saint) and her Native-American son to catch a stagecoach to...well, wherever. Sarah has been held captive for years by a tribe led by Salvaje (Nathaniel Narcisco), a vicious chief with impeccable tracking skills and no qualms about slaughtering anyone who gets in his way. It turns out Salvaje is the boy’s father and wants him back. Sam eventually brings Sarah and the boy to his own ranch to start a new life, but unfortunately for them, Salvaje’s a dangerously dedicated dad.

When Jehovah Witnesses show up at the door.

Unfortunately, the film isn’t as nearly exciting as it sounds. Peck is always enjoyable, but despite reteaming with To Kill a Mockingbird director Robert Mulligan, Sam Varner is no Atticus Finch and there’s absolutely nothing Saint can do to make Sarah someone we care about. However, a very young Robert Forster does have a few good moments as Sam’s poker-loving protegee. That leaves the story, which plods along with little or no action until the climactic showdown, when Salvaje (finally!) arrives to wreak some havoc.

Though The Stalking Moon is well directed and Peck is solid as usual, everyone on both sides of the camera have done much better work before and since (except Narcisco, who never went on to do anything else). With a faceless villain who’s MIA for most of the running time, this is a dull, forgettable western. 

KITTY CONSENSUS:

MEH...LIKE SHARING THE BED WITH THE DOG. 

ABIGAIL and the Dub(mis)step

ABIGAIL (2019)

Starring Tinatin Dalakishvili, Gleb Bochkov, Eddie Marsan, Rinal Mukhametov, Artyom Tkachenko, Ravshana Kurkova. Directed by Aleksandr Boguslavsky. (111 min)

ON BLU-RAY FROM WELL GO USA

Review by Stinky the Destroyer😾

Looks like someone behind the scenes brought a steampunk picture book to work.

Visually, Abigail is a hodge-podge of elements typically associated with the genre: quasi-Victorian setting, waistcoats, biomechanical headgear, goggles, gas-masks, gear-driven machinery and, of course, airships that resemble sadistic colonoscopy tools.

It’s all very pretty, but not enough to compensate for the terrible dialogue, dull characters, histrionic performances and a plot so murky that it’s difficult to figure out what the hell’s going on half the time. In a nutshell, Fensington is a walled city run by a police state, which regularly banishes those who are “infected” with a virus. However, it turns out the infected are actually individuals gifted with special abilities and are therefore a threat to the status quo. The title character (Tinatin Dalakishvili) is your standard emo teen who becomes part of an underground movement in order to find her banished dad, who created the device the government now uses to suppress people’s inherent powers.

Black Sunday II.

Or something like that. The story often meanders aimlessly, presumably so we can take-in the lavish production design (which is admittedly impressive). But the narrative shortcomings would be tolerable if not for one monumentally distracting technical issue: This is a Russian production with a Russian cast, but filmed in English. However, the actors’ actual voices are dubbed over to get rid of those pesky accents and the results are atrocious, sometimes comically so. More often than not, the voice inflections don’t match the expressions of the characters on-screen, suggesting the cast had minimal understanding of their own lines. Because of this, the whole thing plays like an English-dubbed anime.

Abigail looks wonderful and features an outstanding score by Ryan Otter. Too bad it’s in service of a nonsensical story that generates zero interest, to say nothing of the boneheaded decision to placate English-speaking audiences when subtitles would’ve been preferable. Anyone who loves the steampunk aesthetic are better off with a picture book.

KITTY CONSENSUS:

MEH...LIKE SHARING THE BED WITH THE DOG.

UNCUT GEMS and the Relentless Ride

UNCUT GEMS (2019)

Starring Adam Sandler, Laketh Stanfield, Julia Fox, Kevin Garnet, Idina Menzel, Eric Bogosian, Judd Hirsch, Keith Williams Richards, Abel Tesfaye (aka The Weeknd). Directed by Josh & Benny Safdie. (135 min)

ON BLU-RAY FROM LIONSGATE

Review by Fluffy the Fearless😸

If you’ve never been to Six Flags Magic Mountain, let me assure you it has more roller coasters than any park in the world...big ones, small ones, fast ones, slow ones, new ones, old ones...a coaster for every age and level of bravery. My wife and I went one summer, and since coasters are my favorite ride at any park, I was up for the challenge.

Then I rode Goliath. At the time, it was the longest, tallest and fastest coaster in the world. Some poor lady even suffered a heart attack and died on the ride just a few years earlier. As for this would-be thrillseeker, Goliath turned out to be a bit more than I bargained for...not only scary, but loud, overwhelming and relentless. While I didn’t have a coronary or toss my cookies, when the ride was finally over, the main thing I felt was relief. 

Uncut Gems is kind-of like riding Goliath, which isn’t intended as criticism.

The film is getting a lot of attention because of Adam Sandler in a role that’s certainly atypical of the man-children he’s made a career from. Some say he was snubbed during awards season, but I don’t know if I’d go that far. Sure, it's the best thing Sandler has ever done and he's mesmerizing as fast-talking gambling addict Howard Ratner. But is his performance really a huge stretch? As a comedian and actor, Sandler’s generally loud, brash and - in my opinion - obnoxiously overbearing. Since Ratner displays all these traits and more, it’s a character he was born to play (albeit with a lot more F-bombs).

"How'd I smuggle this baby into the country? Let's just say I couldn't sit for a week."

As for the film, Uncut Gems is 135 minutes of relentless anxiety as we watch Ratner’s downward spiral. Arguably the film’s protagonist and antagonist, he’s his own worst enemy. An unscrupulous gem dealer, Ratner has gambling debts all over town and is barely a step ahead of those trying to collect, including brother-in-law Arno (Eric Bogosian), who appears to have mob connections. After acquiring a rare stone that could solve all his financial woes, Ratner still can’t get out of his own way, trying to dupe others into paying more than its worth (such as NBA star Kevin Garnett, playing himself) so he can settle his debts. But even then, Ratner is literally unable to stop gambling with money that isn’t his.

I was immediately reminded of Bad Lieutenant, another film featuring a remorseless main character whose downfall is the entire plot. Uncut Games isn’t nearly as off-putting, but cut from the same cloth. Ratner isn’t a likable character, neglecting his own family, alienating everyone close to him and growing increasingly narcissistic. Yet we watch with fascinated dread as he repeatedly digs himself deeper, to the point we’re certain everything’s gonna end badly. The most powerful moment comes late in the story when Ratner’s sitting in his office, bawling helplessly as the walls close in, yet he still doesn't take responsibility for his own actions. That scene might be the best of Sandler’s entire career.

Howard Ratner’s descent into self-destruction is morbidly compelling and Sadler knocks it out of the park with a manic performance that – for once – suits the character perfectly. Extremely well-written, directed and performed, Uncut Gems is a character study that plays like a thriller (though the grating score is awful). Similar to riding Goliath, it’s an exhausting, uncomfortable ride that doesn’t let the viewer off until the end credits roll. As good as it is, I gotta say I was kind of relieved when it was finally over.

EXTRA KIBBLES

"MONEY ON THE STREET: THE MAKING OF UNCUT GEMS” - 30 minute featurette.
DVD & DIGITAL COPIES

KITTY CONSENSUS:

PURR-R-R...LIKE A GOOD SCRATCH BEHIND THE EARS.

GHOST KILLERS VS. BLOODY MARY vs. Your Intelligence

GHOST KILLERS VS. BLOODY MARY (2018)

Starring Danilo Gentili, Leo Lins, Murilo Couto, Dani Calabresa, Barbara Bruno, Pietra Quintela, Jose Suqueira Barros, Digao Ribeiro. Directed by Fabricio Bittar. (103 min)

ON DVD FROM DARK SKY FILMS

Review by Josey, the Sudden Cat😾

I’m sure some viewers out there will find the idea of a demon-possessed turd absolutely hilarious. And yeah, I suppose there are those who’ve always wanted to see a resurrected fetus lasso a poor rube with its umbilical cord and piss on his face.

Well, here’s the movie you’ve been waiting for. No brain required.

Ghost Killers vs. Bloody Mary is an uninhibited take on a classic urban legend. A batch of phony ghost hunters are offered a job ridding a local high school of the titular demon. Desperate for cash, they accept the job. However, Bloody Mary turns out to be real, capable of possessing people at random so they can kill on her behalf. Trapped inside the building with a few other staff members, they try to find a way out while recording everything for their YouTube show.

"Hey, kid. Does this look infected?"

Not even remotely scary, the film aims for both the funny bone and the gag reflex, suggesting director Fabricio Bittar drew considerable inspiration from early Peter Jackson films. As such, his own little opus is loaded with geysers of blood, gore and a variety of other gross-out gags involving bodily functions. The cast is game and does their job admirably, but there’s an air of desperation in the film’s constant attempt to shock the viewers, as though over-the-top outrageousness is inherently funny.

Peter Jackson – and even Lloyd Kaufman, on occasion – managed to counter their excesses with clever touches and engaging characters. Conversely, simply tossing-in heavy-handed self-awareness and pop culture references doesn’t elevate this film above any other calculated bid to amuse 15 year old boys.

But I suspect I had some of you at “demon-possessed turd.” If that’s the case, Ghost Killers vs. Bloody Mary has a shitload of such humor (pun intended). Admittedly, many of these scenes are pretty well executed and the make-up effects are decent for a low-budget film. Still, the entire thing is relentlessly juvenile and grows repetitive pretty quickly.

KITTY CONSENSUS:

MEH...LIKE SHARING THE BED WITH THE DOG.

KANSAS CITY and the Old Stomping Ground

KANSAS CITY (1996)

Starring Jennifer Jason Leigh, Miranda Richardson, Harry Belafonte, Michael Murphy, Dermot Mulroney, Steve Buscemi, Brooke Smith, Jane Adams. Directed by Robert Altman. (116 min).

ON BLU-RAY FROM ARROW ACADEMY

Review by Fluffy the Fearless😸

Maybe it’s the way I’m wired, but I personally prefer some of Robert Altman’s less lauded movies to his acknowledged classics. Sure, MASH remains his greatest film, but you’re also looking at the one guy who liked Quintet more than Nashville.

That being said, while Kansas City didn't garner the accolades of his recent “comeback” films - The Player and Short Cuts - it’s less pretentious and more enjoyable than both. I could be wrong, but as the story unfolded, I couldn’t help but feel Altman was more personally invested in this one since the setting is his old stomping ground.

Speaking of which, it’s quite a story, should one choose to pay attention to it. I say that because the characters and music are enough to drive the film, which Altman - with co-screenwriter Frank Barhydt - culls from childhood recollections of his hometown (though by his own admission, somewhat romanticized). During the prohibition era, Kansas City was apparently the midwest hub for gambling, booze and organized crime, a perfect setting for one of Altman’s better ensemble casts to inhabit a variety of unique characters.

Miss Pouty Puss.

The film tells concurring stories, the primary one depicting the kidnapping of Carolyn (Miranda Richardson) by Blondie (Jennifer Jason Leigh), the opium-addicted wife of powerful politician Henry Stilton (Michael Murphy). Since the narrative isn’t initially linear, Blondie’s motives are unclear at first. Then we meet her husband, low-level crook Johnny (Dermot Mulroney), who stupidly robs a big-shot gambler that happens to be friends with Seldom Seen (Harry Belefonte), the city’s most powerful – and ruthless – black mobster. Johnny’s caught almost immediately and “Seldom” holds him in the back room of his popular jazz spot, the Hey Hey Club. These stories converge when Blondie threatens to kill Miranda unless Henry uses his own questionable mob connections to spring Johnny.

Guess who's in it for the chicks.

Several other peripheral characters drift in and out of the picture, sometimes to complicate or clarify the plot, but mostly to enhance the film as a whole. Every character, no matter how minor, is uniquely interesting, with potential backstories that would make engaging movies themselves. Offering additional respite are numerous musical set-pieces featuring some stunning performances by real-life modern artists portraying jazz legends of the era. That they are filmed live gives Kansas City are level of authenticity that Coppola’s similarly-themed Cotton Club never quite achieved.

Ultimately, the plot ends up being of secondary importance. With only minor tweaking – and a director with a different agenda – the same story could have just as easily been a crackling thriller or funny farce. Instead, like many Altman’s films, Kansas City is more concerned with the characters he creates to populate a specific place and time. It feels a lot more personal than his other films of the same era, making it one of the late director’s most criminally overlooked efforts.

EXTRA KIBBLES

"GEOFF ANDREW ON KANSAS CITY” - An appreciation by Geoff Andrew, who affectionately discusses some of Altman’s quirks, with obvious emphasis on Kansas City.

"GARE, TRAINS ET DERAILLEMENT” - From 2007, this is a video essay by French critic Luc Lagier. In French with English subtitles.

FEATURETTES - “Robert Altman Goes to the Heart of America”; “Kansas City: The Music”

ELECTRONIC PRESS KIT INTERVIEWS – Short promotional interviews with Robert Altman, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Miranda Richardson, Harry Belefonte, Joshua Redman. Soundbites in the featurettes are pulled from these interviews.

AUDIO COMMENTARY – By Robert Altman.

TRAILERS & TV SPOTS

SUPPLEMENTAL BOOKLET – Annotated essay, “Dream Boogie: Visions of the Past,” by author Dr. Nicolas Pillai from the Jazz Studies Research Center; Interview excerpt from the book, Altman on Altman; Original production notes; cast, crew and Blu-ray transfer credits.

REVERSIBLE COVER – With new and original artwork (the original is far cooler).

KITTY CONSENSUS:

PURR-R-R...LIKE A GOOD SCRATCH BEHIND THE EARS.