STOWAWAY: Set Sail for Sleepiness

STOWAWAY (Blu-ray)

2022 / 94 min

Well Go USA

Available at www.MovieZyng.com

Review by Stinky the Destroyer😾

Maybe it’s just a matter of semantics, but while watching this film (and struggling to stay awake), I had this nagging question: Can you be a stowaway on-board a boat you already own? 

I suppose the question is irrelevant, but if the unfolding plot was even remotely engaging, I probably wouldn’t have continued pondering it. Stowaway is a lethargic, languid and lazy variation of the ol’ Die Hard formula, further hampered by lapses in logic and a budget that precludes it from even qualifying as dumb spectacle.

Ruby Rose plays plays Bella, a rebellious young drifter with your standard-issue history of bad decisions. She’s contacted by a man named Meeser (Frank Grillo), who informs Bella that her estranged father has died and left her a boat. Not just any boat, but a massive yacht worth millions. After explaining that he and her dad were old war buddies, Meeser hands her the keys, only for them to be taken away soon after by the boat’s captain, Lawson (Luis Da Silva), who explains that some paperwork needs to be finalized before she can actually stay there (so why was she handed the damn keys in the first place?).

"Cut yourself shaving?"

That doesn't stop Bella from picking up a guy in a bar, Michael (Patrick Schwarzenegger), and taking him back to the boat for a little late-night kanoodling. Meanwhile, a couple of heavily armed guys, aided by Lawson, commandeer the boat and take it out of the dock. It's later revealed they plan to crack the onboard safe for the $80 million supposedly stashed inside. Why they need to be at-sea to do this is never adequately explained, but after Michael is dispatched while trying to swim for help, Bella is trapped onboard to face them on her own.

Even with limited financial resources, there’s still some story potential here, which Stowaway squanders with ill-conceived characters, dumb plot contrivances and, worst of all, a snail’s pace. There also are way too many scenes of wide-eyed Bella hiding and ducking around corners before conveniently displaying fighting skills never previously even hinted at. These shortcomings are exacerbated by dim, drab cinematography that sometimes makes it difficult to even see what’s going on. 

A decent cast tries their best, but they can only do so much with such thin characters. Grillo comes off best, though his face sharing space on the Blu-ray cover spoils the movie’s biggest plot twist (not that we wouldn’t have seen it coming anyway). Nearly devoid of surprises or suspense, Stowaway might be a decent insomnia cure, but I wouldn't have kept questioning the definition of its title if the thing was a little more interesting.