STOWAWAY: Set Sail for Sleepiness

STOWAWAY (Blu-ray)

2022 / 94 min

Well Go USA

Available at www.MovieZyng.com

Review by Stinky the Destroyer😾

Maybe it’s just a matter of semantics, but while watching this film (and struggling to stay awake), I had this nagging question: Can you be a stowaway on-board a boat you already own? 

I suppose the question is irrelevant, but if the unfolding plot was even remotely engaging, I probably wouldn’t have continued pondering it. Stowaway is a lethargic, languid and lazy variation of the ol’ Die Hard formula, further hampered by lapses in logic and a budget that precludes it from even qualifying as dumb spectacle.

Ruby Rose plays plays Bella, a rebellious young drifter with your standard-issue history of bad decisions. She’s contacted by a man named Meeser (Frank Grillo), who informs Bella that her estranged father has died and left her a boat. Not just any boat, but a massive yacht worth millions. After explaining that he and her dad were old war buddies, Meeser hands her the keys, only for them to be taken away soon after by the boat’s captain, Lawson (Luis Da Silva), who explains that some paperwork needs to be finalized before she can actually stay there (so why was she handed the damn keys in the first place?).

"Cut yourself shaving?"

That doesn't stop Bella from picking up a guy in a bar, Michael (Patrick Schwarzenegger), and taking him back to the boat for a little late-night kanoodling. Meanwhile, a couple of heavily armed guys, aided by Lawson, commandeer the boat and take it out of the dock. It's later revealed they plan to crack the onboard safe for the $80 million supposedly stashed inside. Why they need to be at-sea to do this is never adequately explained, but after Michael is dispatched while trying to swim for help, Bella is trapped onboard to face them on her own.

Even with limited financial resources, there’s still some story potential here, which Stowaway squanders with ill-conceived characters, dumb plot contrivances and, worst of all, a snail’s pace. There also are way too many scenes of wide-eyed Bella hiding and ducking around corners before conveniently displaying fighting skills never previously even hinted at. These shortcomings are exacerbated by dim, drab cinematography that sometimes makes it difficult to even see what’s going on. 

A decent cast tries their best, but they can only do so much with such thin characters. Grillo comes off best, though his face sharing space on the Blu-ray cover spoils the movie’s biggest plot twist (not that we wouldn’t have seen it coming anyway). Nearly devoid of surprises or suspense, Stowaway might be a decent insomnia cure, but I wouldn't have kept questioning the definition of its title if the thing was a little more interesting.

THE ANDERSON TAPES and the Drive-In Slumber Party

THE ANDERSON TAPES (1971)

Starring Sean Connery, Dyan Cannon, Martin Balsam, Christopher Walken, Ralph Meeker, Alan King, Dick Anthony Williams, Val Avery, Conrad Bain, Margaret Hamilton. Directed by Sidney Lumet. (99 min)

Essay by D.M. ANDERSON💀

1971’s The Anderson Tapes was a milestone experience in my young life. For starters, this was my very first drive-in movie, back when I was about eight years old. My parents brought my sister and I along, packing the backseat with enough snacks and blankets to make it feel like a slumber party (Mom even had us wear our jammies). Since The Anderson Tapes and its co-feature, The Love Machine, weren’t exactly Disney fare, I’m assuming they included us for date night because they couldn't find a babysitter. And since neither film starred singing cartoon critters, perhaps they figured we’d simply fall asleep soon after Dad hung that big metal speaker on the car window.

But when has that ever happened at a slumber party?

The Anderson Tapes was my introduction to Sean Connery. This was before I ever watched a James Bond movie. In fact, I was too young to even know who James Bond was. Still, this burly, imposing old man with a receding hairline left quite an impression and kinda reminded me of my uncle, who always smelled like cigarettes and Aqua Velva. It was also my first film by Sidney Lumet, who directed a batch of classics that would someday rank among my favorites (like 12 Angry Men, Fail Safe and Dog Day Afternoon). But at the time, I had no idea what directors' jobs were.

Most significantly, though, The Anderson Tapes was my first “dirty” movie. Well, dirty as perceived by an eight-year-old.

I’m pretty sure that particular date night in the summer of ‘71 didn’t quite go as my parents planned. Caught up in the novelty of watching a movie in the car, my sister and I didn't quietly drift off to sleep. We were generally pretty unruly, prompting Dad to yell shut up on numerous occasions. But in between bickering with my sister and fighting over blankets, I was sort of paying attention to the movie…

Sean Connery...pretty in pink.

Sean Connery plays “Duke” Anderson, a professional thief who's just been released from prison and plans another heist, this time of an entire Manhattan apartment building, which is filled with wealthy tenants. A lot of the story consists of Duke putting his crew together, getting financial backing from the mob and hopping between the sheets with his girlfriend, Ingrid (Dyan Cannon). But what he doesn’t realize is the police have a lot of his criminal associates under heavy surveillance, so even though they weren't necessarily spying on him, Duke keeps popping up on the cameras and wire taps.

Though the first couple of acts are a little too talky for a kid to commit 100% of his attention, certain elements definitely piqued my interest, such as Cannon stripping off her clothes and hopping in bed with Connery…where they kissed naked! I remember my sister going “oooOOOooh” at witnessing these nasty adults engaging in such a dirty act (something that respectable adults like Mom & Dad surely never did). When I asked Dad if this was one of “those rated X movies,” he impatiently replied, “Sure, Dave. Now shut up.”

I seem to remember him saying shut up quite a bit that night.

My sister and I giggled at all the swearing…lots of “shits,” “goddamns” and an assortment of other taboo words that would’ve gotten me slapped if I were to work them into casual conversation (though Mom and Dad often did). When I interrupted to ask what “faggot” meant, Mom whipped her head around and warned me never to say that word again. Dad just shook his head. In a way, I felt kinda privileged to be hearing such grown-up talk in a movie, stuff I never heard Fred MacMurray or Dean Jones spouting in Disney flicks.

Even then, I found the climactic heist sequence pretty riveting, and easily the most violent thing I’d ever seen on the big screen. Seeing one dead character’s bloodied face after crashing the getaway truck haunted me for awhile afterwards. The Anderson Tapes might have even been the first movie that I found somewhat inspiring. Not to rob an apartment building or anything, but I did spend some playtime recreating the final getaway attempt with my Hot Wheels and Legos. And when school started up again that fall, I bragged to my friends that my parents took me to see a dirty movie. 

As for the second flick, The Love Machine, maybe I finally did fall asleep because I have almost no memory of it beyond the title.

Save for key moments that violated my childhood innocence, my recollections of The Anderson Tapes faded over time. I didn’t give it much thought and never watched the thing again until 50 years later, when I happened to discover it on Blu-ray. That’s when memories of the whole drive-in debacle with Mom & Dad came flooding back (at least partially). Revisiting it was an interesting experience, to say nothing of fondly nostalgic. 

Of course, it isn’t nearly as violent or dirty as I remembered. The sex and nudity is strictly of the PG variety, meaning we never actually see much of Dyan Cannon’s physical attributes, nor do she and Connery do more than discreetly kiss under the covers. The swearing is actually pretty mild, at least compared to what frequently flies from my mouth while driving. On the other hand, the homophobic slurs are kind of off-putting these days and exacerbate the film’s dated, uncomfortably stereotypical depiction of gay people, as personified by Martin Balsam’s character, Tommy Haskins, a member of Duke’s crew. 

"I need something that goes beep."

When I first saw the film, my favorite character was “The Kid” because he had long hair just like The Beatles and Chekov from Star Trek, a look I was beginning to think was pretty cool. The Kid is played by a fresh-faced Christopher Walken and this was one of his first movies. Elsewhere, there’s the legendary Margaret Hamilton in her last film appearance, but I didn’t recognize her because she didn’t wear the green make-up and prosthetic nose that scared the shit out of me whenever The Wizard of Oz aired on TV. 

Much of the emphasis of the narrative is on the surveillance methods used by police, which was apparently cutting-edge at the time (and enhanced by composer Quincy Jones’ grating electronic flourishes). I missed out on when this stuff was jawdropping, though thematically, the concept of one’s every move being monitored might be the one aspect of the film that remains pretty timely. 

But I prefer not to think about that. I’d rather look at The Anderson Tapes as an enjoyable trip down memory lane, when I was getting on my parents’ last nerves in the backseat of their Pontiac Le Mans. It doesn’t rank among Lumet or Connery’s best work, but remains a pretty enjoyable film. My mom has since passed, but it might be fun watching it with Dad one more time. I don’t know if he remembers the movie or his regretful decision to host a drive-in slumber party, but I could make it up to him by shutting my mouth this time around.

THE CAT (1988): What's In A Title?

THE CAT (Blu-ray)

1988 / 118 min

From Radiance Films

Review by Mr. Bonnie, the Bank Robber😺

You know what? There’s not one damn cat in this entire movie. They aren’t part of the story, nor does any character appear to own one. At no time does one scamper into-frame in the background. And unless something got lost in the translation, nobody in the film goes by the moniker of Cat.

Overcoming that bit of disappointment, I briefly assumed The Cat is a metaphorical title, but I’ll be damned if I know what it’s supposed to represent. Or maybe…just maybe…it refers to very first scene, where master criminal Probek (Gotz George) is getting a little (insert synonym for cat) before his next big score.

This opening sex scene is actually important to the plot, because the (insert synonym for cat) in question is Jutta (Gudrun Landgrebe), who’s married to the manager of the bank Probek is fixing to rob. While she’s ultimately part of the elaborate plan, neither she nor Probek venture into the bank themselves. For that, Probek has hired Junghein (Heinz Hoenig) and Britz (Ralf Rictor) to storm into the place as it opens and take everyone hostage, setting the stage for a stand-off with the police…

…which is part of Probek’s plan to begin with. As police, led by Detective Voss (Joachim Kemmer), surround the bank, Probek is conducting the entire robbery with high-tech equipment from his hotel room above the melee and directing Junghein via radio. It’s also a convenient place to get a little more (insert synonym for cat) from Jutta. The film eventually becomes an intriguing game of cat & mouse between Voss (who has dealt with Junghein before) and Probek (cooly manipulating events from a distance).

In a way, The Cat plays a little like a German variation of Dog Day Afternoon, minus the social commentary. Though produced in 1988, the film even has a similar 1970s aesthetic. For fans of this sort of thing, there’s a lot of fun to be had here, with a formidable antagonist, plenty of tension, surprising plot turns and bursts of violent action. Director Dominik Graf, well known in Germany for his work within the crime genre, obviously isn’t trying to save the world here, assembling a tight, occasionally lurid thriller that more-or less delivers on its premise…even without any actual cats.

Fairly obscure on this side of the pond, The Cat is now available for the first time on Blu-ray and comes with some interesting retrospective bonus features. It’s a film is worth discovering for fans of heist and hostage thrillers, though I’d like to have a word with its creative team about that title.

EXTRA KIBBLES

INTERVIEWS - Lengthy individual interviews with director Dominik Graf, co-screenwriter Christoph Fromm and producer Georg Feil.

AUDIO COMMENTARY - For select scenes, by director Dominik Graf.

TRAILER

THE BURGLARS and the Thrill of the Chase

THE BURGLARS (aka LA CASSE) (Blu-ray)

1971 / 114 & 126 min (2 versions)

FROM SONY

Available at www.MovieZyng.com

Review by Mr. Paws😺

In terms of story and characters, The Burglars doesn’t reinvent the wheel. You’ve got your charismatic jewel thief, the determined detective, the high-tech heist, the cat & mouse game, beautiful women and exotic locations. Narratively and aesthetically, the film is emblematic of a lot of European thrillers from the era, including a nifty Ennio Morricone score. 

But interspersed throughout are several outstanding set-pieces and action sequences. Considering who’s involved, some of the stuntwork is actually pretty jaw-dropping.

The heist occurs right away, with Azad (Jean-Paul Belmondo) and his crew breaking into a wealthy tycoon’s house and making-off with a million in emeralds. Roughly comprising the first ten minutes, it’s mostly dialogue-free, focusing on their meticulousness and elaborate safe-cracking tech toys. I don’t know if any of this stuff is real, but it sure looks cool, which is ultimately all that matters.

Unexpectedly, the ship Azad chartered for their getaway is out of commission, leaving them stuck in Athens until it can be repaired. They plan to lay low for five days, which becomes difficult when corrupt cop Abel Zacharia (Omar Sharif) confronts Azad and demands the jewels for himself. Azad has no intention of complying, of course, and while trying to stay a step ahead of Zacharia, he meets sultry model Lena (Dyan Cannon), a quasi-film fatale who feels kind of shoehorned into the narrative for the sake of a romantic subplot.

"That ain't the safe, Azad. That's the fridge."

The antagonistic game of one upmanship between Azad and Zacharia is entertaining, with both actors clearly having fun in their roles, but what really elevates the film are the action sequences. There’s a thrilling extended car chase, with numerous wide camera shots of these two vehicles speeding through streets and dodging traffic - while repeatedly smashing into each other - without a lot of quick-cut editing. 

The car chase is the work of professional drivers, but there are other scenes where Belmondo is obviously doing his own stunts, like when Azad precariously hangs onto the side of a speeding city bus while fending off Zacharia, or more amusingly, gets poured from a dump truck down a massive hill. Belmondo was a huge star in France at the time, so engaging in such clearly dangerous stunts - without special effects - when he really didn’t need to is an admirable dedication to craft.

So while the story and concept are pretty familiar, the opening heist and exciting action sequences make the film memorable. It’s essentially a battle of wits that becomes a wildly entertaining chase, only slightly marred by a comparatively underwhelming climax (though it’s admittedly kind of funny). For fans of 70s-era European thrillers, The Burglars is well worth seeking out.

EXTRA KIBBLES

ENGLISH & INTERNATIONAL (FRENCH) VERSIONS - The latter is 12 minutes longer...and the better of the two.