MONSTER ON A PLANE: Cancel This Flight

MONSTER ON A PLANE (Blu-ray)

2024 / 90 min

Uncork’d Entertainment

Available at MovieZyng

Review by Josey, the Sudden Cat😾

Hoping for a little cheap, trashy fun in the sky? Look elsewhere. While I periodically enjoy a bit of exploitative junk as much as the next guy, Monster on a Plane mostly fails to even reach those lowly standards. 

Ironically, overall cheapness isn’t the movie’s problem. In fact, it dutifully includes plenty of the gratuitous sex & nudity, splatter & gore, cut-rate CGI and phony monsters that have made similar films a lot of shameless fun. And of course, it’s got the usual silly story and overwrought performances, capped off by the prerequisite title that explains the plot in a nutshell.

However, this one doesn’t even rise to the level of so-bad-it’s-good, for a couple of key reasons. First off, the dialogue is not only terrible (hell, that can be forgiven, even embraced), there are numerous distracting occasions when it doesn’t even make sense…and I’m talking grammatical sense. Monster on a Plane is a German production but filmed in English, and if I didn't know better, I’d say the script was originally written in German before being fed through Google Translate and handed to the cast. Some of it even sounds like it was clumsily written by AI (as a former teacher, I’ve seen many examples of AI’s butchery of the English language). Here’s just one stellar example:

Man: You know who I love more than you? Your tiny boobs.

Woman: You idiot. My boobs belong to me.

This little fellow is in charge of guarding the script.

The entire cast delivers their lines as if they aren’t always exactly sure what they’re actually saying, their efforts to recite everything verbatim coming across as a struggle. Elsewhere, I found myself wondering if “writer”-director Ezra Tsegaye has ever been on a plane (or if he knows how they work). Not only is the cockpit free of any steering control wheels, the cargo hold (where much of the slaughter takes place) is the size of a small warehouse. Then there’s the creature itself, which so-closely resembles the little Krites in Critters that someone should consider suing. 

It also seems to have been edited with a chainsaw…most scenes sloppily slapped together, often with little or no transition. If a bonkers German creature feature is what you seek, might I humbly suggest something like Sky Sharks? At least that one feels like the work of professional schlockmeisters. The only vibe Monster on a Plane gives off is contempt for the expectations of its audience.

Litter Box Treasures: BODY PARTS (1991)

In Litter Box Treasures, we focus on a variety of older films which aren’t necessarily classics, but are well-worth discovering.

BODY PARTS (1991)

Starring Jeff Fahey, Brad Dourif, Kim Delaney, Zakes Mokae, Lindsay Duncan, Paul Ban-Victor. Directed by Eric Red. (88 min).

Essay by D.M. ANDERSON💀

Body Parts was pretty much dismissed by critics and audiences upon its original release. Granted, it ain't exactly groundbreaking, nor does it challenge the intellect, but it's quite good for what it is... a fun, fast-paced slab of blood-soaked junk food. 

Perennial direct-to-video favorite Jeff Fahey plays Bill Chrushank, a criminal psychologist who loses his right arm in a car accident. Dr. Agatha Webb (Lindsay Duncan) is a renowned specialist who performs a new procedure by attaching a new arm from a donor. Within a few months, Bill's new arm is fully functional and he goes back to his daily routine. But it isn't long before he's having horrible nightmares and violent outbursts, much to the chagrin of his family. 

Bill soon discovers that his transplanted arm once belonged to a serial killer. Not only that, the killer's other limbs were given to other recipients. Understandably, he wants the limb removed, but Dr. Webb refuses, more concerned with her scientific achievements than Bill's belief that evil is not of the brain, but of the body. Soon after, the other recipients are violently killed, their donated limbs torn off by an unseen killer who won't surprise anyone.

Brad Dourif...making B-movies better since 1988.

Body Parts is a story that's been done before, but it's a lot of gory fun that doesn't outstay its welcome with a scant 88 minute running time. Director/co-writer Eric Red does a decent job making familiar material seem fresh (the sequence in which two guys in different cars are cuffed together during a chase is pretty suspenseful), although the movie could have used a little more humor, given the outrageous premise. Fahey, sort of an underrated actor, establishes Bill as a likable guy, which makes his violent turns against his family all the more jarring. While the climax can be seen coming from a mile away, it's lively...and plenty bloody.

Certainly no classic, Body Parts is an underrated and underseen horror film that’s largely been kind of forgotten over time. The movie deserves a second look and is highly recommended for fans of gonzo sci-fi horror. And at the very least, you can't completely dismiss any exploitation film that finds room for some prime Brad Dourif scenery chewing.

THE BEAST TO DIE and a "Date" with Madness

THE BEAST TO DIE (Blu-ray)

1980 / 119 min

Radiance Films

Review by Stinky the Destroyer😾

Kunihiko Date (Yusaku Matsuda) is one maladjusted mofo. Japan's The Beast to Die opens with him beating a cop and stealing his gun. Then he robs a casino, killing a bunch of mobsters in the process. But Date isn’t a gangster or hitman himself. In fact, the film initially reveals little about him beyond a love for classical music and his penchant for watching hookers masturbate. Around others, he appears shy, even a bit introverted.

Still, he catches the eye of Reiko (Asami Kobayashi), an aspiring pianist who works as a bank teller. Having seen her in concert, Date appears equally infatuated, though he shuns her efforts to get to know him. Meanwhile, he engages in a lot of violent fuckery, eventually recruiting hot-headed waiter Endo (Kei Sato). After convincing Endo to kill his own girlfriend, Date plans a robbery of the very bank where Reiko works. 

It’s eventually revealed that Date's psychotic behavior is the result of his time as a combat photographer. So yeah, The Beast to Die serves-up yet-another variation of the unstable Vietnam vet, which more-or-less became an overused plot device shortly after Taxi Driver. But here’s the thing…despite his violent tendencies and disturbing worldview, at least Travis Bickle has something resembling a moral code (twisted as it might be). 

"This is decaf?"

Conversely, Date’s character is strictly defined by his actions, which is abject cruelty and killing without remorse while spouting nihilistic gobbledegook. Whereas Bickle’s internal conflict ultimately inspires a bit of empathy, The Beast to Die simply revels in its protagonist’s depraved behavior. The film certainly ventures to some dark places, but despite being wrapped in arty pretentions, it’s still just lurid exploitation, particularly during the rapey, blood-soaked final act.

The Beast to Die does have its admirers, and I can sort-of see why. The film is well directed and features a dedicated performance by Matsuda, probably best known to American audiences for his villainous role in Ridley Scott’s Black Rain (sadly, he passed away shortly after). But narratively, there’s no character arc or engaging examination of Date’s descent into madness. We’re just watching the actions of a unrepentant sociopath for two hours. 

EXTRA KIBBLES

INTERVIEWS - Individual interviews with director Toru Murakawa and co-screenwriter Shoichi Maruyama.

CRITICAL APPRECIATION - By author Jordan Harper

THE RAPACIOUS JAILBREAKER And The Irredeemable Bastard

THE RAPACIOUS JAILBREAKER (Blu-ray)

1974 / 97 min

From Radiance Films

Review by Stinky the Destroyer😼

Low-level criminal Ueda (Hiroki Matsukata) is an irredeemable bastard. He’s an irredeemable bastard as the film opens; he’s an irredeemable bastard as the end credits roll. In between, he spends a lot of time in prison for murdering other irredeemable bastards. He spends just as much time repeatedly breaking out of that same prison, none the wiser from the experience. In addition to being an irredeemable bastard, Ueda doesn't seem all that bright.

As the title suggests, The Rapacious Jailbreaker chronicles Ueda’s adventures in and out of prison. Whether doing solitary for shanking fellow inmates or illegally slaughtering cows after breaking out, he doesn’t change one iota…no character growth, no remorse, no epiphanies. Self-absorbed, unrepentant, angry, apathetic and violent, he’s kind of like a Japanese Tony Montana. 

This is an unapologetically brutal and sleazy exploitation film that revels in bad behavior. But hey…sometimes it’s fun to watch bad behavior. As Ueda, Matsukata convincingly exudes toughness and resolve (but I do wonder why he’s often hunched over like he’s got a crick in his neck). The prison scenes are gritty and harrowing, while Ueda’s repeated escapes carry tension (though by the third one, it’s almost like a running gag).

"Up for a swordfight?"

Less interesting are the scenes outside of the prison walls (even with bonus female nudity and gratuitous sex). However, the climactic police pursuit after Ueda becomes a fugitive for the third time is suspenseful and exciting. By now, we’re kind of invested in him, because even though Ueda is an irredeemable bastard, the cops and prison guards are even worse.

The film ends rather abruptly, but at least director Sadao Nakajima seems to sense when the audience has probably had enough. The Rapacious Jailbreaker runs a lean, mean 97 minutes, just long enough for us to find guilty pleasure in the antics of an irredeemable bastard without him wearing out his welcome. 

EXTRA KIBBLES

FEATURETTE - Rule Breaker is a 17-minute video essay summarizing director Sadao Nakajima’s career.

AUDIO COMMENTARY - By Nathan Stuart.

KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS and the Bitter Aftertaste

KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS (Blu-ray)

1989 / 97 min

FROM MGM

Available at www.MovieZyng.com

Review by Princess Pepper😾

When discussing movies, especially online, I’ve endured countless people jacking their jaws (ad nauseum) about how and why certain older movies “couldn’t be made today,” sometimes contemptuously adding that people these days are too easily offended. And in defending those films, they’ll inevitably argue that those movies need to be viewed in the context of when they were made, when cultural norms and attitudes were different.

Okay, whatever. It doesn’t change the fact that the Asian stereotypes depicted (for laughs) in Sixteen Candles and Breakfast at Tiffany’s are extraordinarily cringey, context be damned. The only difference between those two films and Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects is that almost nobody remembers the latter. 

Kinjite was one of Charles Bronson’s last gasps as an action hero and the nadir of his dire Cannon years. If it were anything more than a footnote in his long career, those same jaw-jackers would be citing it as another movie that couldn’t be made today. I’ll go one further and say it shouldn’t have been made in 1989. It was offensive back then, too. 

As a lifelong Bronson fan, it was sad to witness his descent into exploitative mediocrity during the 80s, repeatedly putting his career in the hands of a director (J. Lee Thompson) who stopped giving a damn years earlier. But even by their severely tempered standards, Kinjite is a bottom dweller. Not because the film is poorly made. From a technical standpoint, it’s efficiently directed and Bronson actually looks like he’s trying. However, the sleazy approach to its subject matter and repellent attitude toward the Japanese - mostly through it’s protagonist - overshadows everything.

Guess who just stabbed his own palm.

Bronson plays Crowe, a dedicated L.A. cop obsessed with nailing a sex trafficker, Duke (Juan Fernandez), who preys on young girls. He’s also very protective of his 15-year-old daughter, Rita (Amy Hathaway), who’s starting to blossom, as demonstrated in a really creepy scene where she’s lovingly photographed dripping wet after just winning a swim meet. Concurrently, Hiroshi Hada (James Pax) is a Japanese businessman with weird sexual appetites, which includes groping Rita on a city bus. Afterwards, Crowe declares his hatred of all Japanese people, most vividly during an angry, racist tirade on a public street.

When Hada’s own daughter is taken and turned into a prostitute, Crowe is on the case, unaware Hada’s the one who assaulted Rita. But other than a moment when Rita recognizes Hada but says nothing, these storylines don’t intersect, meaning the entire bus incident feels like an excuse to present the supposed Japanese conceit that groping young girls in public is okay because Asian women prefer to be silently humiliated rather than speak out. And tellingly, one major character faces no consequences for his deviant behavior. 

Elsewhere, there isn’t any actual sex in the film - and very little nudity - but it frequently objectifies young girls in scenes obviously created to titillate. Child trafficking is a worthy subject for crime thriller, but not with such a cavalier approach as this. And really, there’s no real purpose behind the entire Japanese portion of the story other than to suggest the culture objectifies young women. Sure, Crowe has a change-of-heart regarding his own racism, but unlike Walt Kowalski’s epiphany in Gran Torino, it feels superficially tacked-on. Even if viewed in the context of when it was made, Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects leaves a bitter aftertaste.

CRUEL JAWS: The Novelization...Really!

CRUEL JAWS (Novel)

By Brad Carter

2024 / 336 pp

FROM ENCYCLOPOCALYPSE PUBLICATIONS

Review by Mr. Bonnie, the Bookworm😺

What a cool idea…take some of cinema’s cheesiest, most craptastic low budget horror films and give ‘em the full novelization treatment. Then include covers that either resemble the original promotional artwork, or better yet, look like they could’ve been released back in the good ol’ days when such pulpy paperbacks were found at every Waldenbooks and supermarket rack in the country.

It’s the brainchild of Encyclopocalypse Publications, and I can’t believe I’ve just now learned about this Movie Tie-In Series. Growing up with paperback novelizations like this is what got me to start (voluntarily) reading in the first place. Encyclopocalypse is now partnering with Severin Films to produce a series of novels based on classic cult films released by the label over the years. First up is Cruel Jaws, inspired by one of the goofiest, most infamous Jaws ripoffs ever made. 

For those unaware, Cruel Jaws was notorious for its cut-rate production, copycat story (right down to copping some of Jaws’ dialogue) and lifting most of the shark footage from other movies…including Jaws itself. An Italian production (though shot in the U.S.), it was directed by prolific sleaze merchant Bruno Mattei, who never met a popular film he couldn’t redo faster and cheaper.

The novel, adapted by Brad Carter from the original screenplay, tells basically the same story and includes some of the same daffy dialogue, though it nicely fleshes out the film’s cardboard characters and expands the subplots. At the same time, Carter doesn’t forget he’s cranking out a pulpy piece of exploitation. The novel is loaded with gobs of nasty gore and explicit sex, which was ironically absent from the film (considering Mattei’s dubious reputation). 

Available in two editions.

Obviously, we ain’t talking The Old Man and the Sea here. The book will never be mistaken for great literature, nor is its author a master wordsmith. Still, Cruel Jaws is a fun read, with plenty of spectacular shark action that Mattei was simply unable to depict with the meager resources at his disposal. A guilty pleasure, to be sure, but a compulsive page turner.

The icing on the cake is the wonderful book design. Cruel Jaws is available in both mass market or trade editions, each with different covers. The trade version features the film’s original promotional art. But personally, I have a nostalgic soft spot for the mass market edition because it closely resembles the Jaws 2 novelization and recalls an era when novels like this were never intended as anything more than quick & dirty beach reads (which this book definitely is). 

And what movie tie-in would be complete without stills from the movie itself? This one includes 17 pages of black & white photos along and the film’s original poster art. The book also features a forward by Sharksploitation director Stephen Scarlata, who nicely sums up Cruel Jaws’ place in the pantheon of squalid shark cinema. 

We’ve all heard someone boast their literary snootiness with “the book was better than the movie.” But in this case, it’s inarguably true. While you may ashamed of yourself for enjoying it, Cruel Jaws is a bloody blast.

THE GREAT ALLIGATOR (4K) and the Rubber Reptile

THE GREAT ALLIGATOR (4K UHD)

1979 / 89 min

FROM SEVERIN FILMS

Review by Josey, the Sudden Cat😼

There’s something oddly endearing about The Great Alligator’s titular creature. Though (eventually) chowing down on plenty of tourists, he moves with the agility of a rubber raft. As a matter of fact, in the underwater sequences, he looks a lot like a gator-shaped floaty I once bought for my daughter to play with in the pool.

For obvious budgetary reasons, those scenes are brief, but worth their weight in comedy gold. But that doesn’t necessarily make The Great Alligator a bad movie. Back in the day, Italy seemed to have the Jaws rip-off market cornered with such silly seafare as Tentacles, Great White, Deep Blood, Devil Fish and Cruel Jaws, just to name a few. Compared to some of those, this one is a bloody masterpiece. And at the very least, it doesn’t appear to rely on stock footage or lift existing scenes from someone else’s movie (a common practice among films of this ilk).

In this one, a greedy developer, Joshua (Mel Ferrer), builds a resort hotel smack dab in the middle of an African jungle. This doesn’t sit too well with the local natives, especially when a giant crocodile shows up to enjoy a buffet table of its own. They believe the beast is an angry god resurrected to exact revenge, so they help-out by slaughtering more tourists than the croc does! Taking-on both Joshua and the crocodile are photographer Daniel Nessel (Claudio Cassinelli) and Alice Brandt (Barbara Bach), the latter of whom is mostly on-hand to look pretty and be put in peril.

"I thought I told that gator I'd see him later."

It takes a long time before anything exciting happens, but by the final act, The Great Alligator is fairly entertaining, occasionally at its own expense. Rubber raft reptile notwithstanding, the film is pretty well put together, and considering Italian exploitation’s penchant for gratuitous nudity and gore, it displays a surprising (perhaps disappointing) amount of restraint. If released today, it might even get away with a PG-13 rating. On a related note…why this film is called The Great Alligator when the entire cast refers to the monster as a crocodile remains a mystery. 

This 4K UHD release from Severin Films features pretty decent overall picture quality, though both the English & Italian audio tracks are simple 2.0 mono…serviceable, but nothing spectacular. The accompanying Blu-ray contains both the film and a big batch of entertaining bonus features (mostly interviews). 

EXTRA KIBBLES

4K AND BLU-RAY COPIES

INTERVIEWS - Down By the River (with director Sergio Martino); Minou (with actress Silvia Collatina); Beware of the Gator (with camera operator Claudio Morabito); Later Alligator (with production designer Antonello Geleng); Underwater (with underwater camera operator Gianlorenzo Battaglia).

3 FRIENDS AND AN ALLIGATOR - A fun feature with cinematographer Giancarlo Ferrando, production designer Antonello Geleng & FX supervisor Paolo Ricci, who brings out what’s left of the miniature gator he made for the film.

PARADISE HOUSE: CHRISTIANITY AND THE NATURAL WORLD IN THE GREAT ALLIGATOR - An interesting video essay by author Lee Gambin, who attaches a lot more seriousness to the film than anyone else will.

ALLIGATOR LAND - Production drawings.

TRAILER