THE ODYSSEY and a Passionate Plea

THE ODYSSEY (2026)

Starring Matt Damon, Tom Holland, Anne Hathaway, Robert Pattinson, Lupita Nyong’o, John Leguizamo, Charlize Theron, Himesh Patel, Jon Bernthal, Samantha Morton, Elliot Page, Benny Safdie (actually, it might’ve been easier to list all the actors who aren’t in The Odyssey). Directed by Christopher Nolan. (173 min)

Essay by D.M. ANDERSON💀

After finally seeing The Odyssey (waiting a couple o’ weeks for the crowds to die down), I have a bone to pick with its director…as well as a passionate plea.

There are currently three directors whose films always have me saying “just shut up and take my money,” regardless of the plot or the cast: Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino and Christopher Nolan. It’s my humble opinion that none of them have made a truly bad one, even though Scorsese’s New York, New York makes a better sleep aid than NyQuil and Tarantino’s Death Proof reflects the work of a man in love with the smell of his own farts. 

But I’ve yet to see a Nolan film that wasn’t at least interesting. Even his “worst” one, Tenet, remains an ambitious, intriguingly baffling puzzle that I frequently feel compelled to revisit. And because he creates great movies that also happen to become blockbusters (Tenet notwithstanding), there’s been some inevitable backlash…mostly among pretentious hipsters and lonely trolls whose favorite online pastime is to express smug contempt for anything that clicks with the masses. This kinda makes Nolan the Taylor Swift of the movie business.

I have a vague recollection of being forced to read Homer’s The Odyssey in high school. I also recall being so baffled by its verses that I went out and bought the CliffsNotes version, back when $1.25 was a small price to pay to save my grade and remain on the varsity soccer team. But hey, at least I never mistook it for anything but a piece of Greek literature, unlike some of the more willfully ignorant mouth-breathers who’ve declared Nolan's cinematic depiction of the Trojan War to be historically inaccurate (probably the same people who think Robin Hood was a real outlaw).

So my anticipation of the movie was because of its director, not the story that I barely remember. As such, The Odyssey isn’t Nolan’s best film overall (for me, that’s a toss-up between Interstellar and The Dark Night), but still a masterclass in storytelling. Both narratively and aesthetically, it’s an immersive epic, vividly depicting King Odysseus’ (Matt Damon) perilous 20 year journey home to Ithaca following his bloody victory in Troy. Concurrently, his wife Penelope (Anne Hathaway), is pursued by a variety of suitors who believe Odysseus to be dead and conspire to take the throne. The most vile of them is Antinous (Robert Pattinson), who also wants to kill Odysseus’ son, Telemachus (Tom Holland). As one of the few who believes Odysseus is alive, Telemachus sets out to find his father.

Conceptually, it’s a familiar story that’s been adapted countless times in other media (not to mention centuries of other stories it inspired), but never on a scale as grand as this. The parts of the original CliffsNotes poem I do remember - the Trojan horse attack, the encounter with cyclops Polyphemus, and goddess Circe turning Odysseus’ army into pigs - are a visual wonder on the big screen (and sometimes kinda horrifying).

Still, I must take issue with one aspect of Nolan’s adaptation of The Odyssey, namely its length. Not that the movie’s too long. No good movie is too long, and in my opinion, Scorsese, Tarantino and Nolan have all mastered the art of making epic-length films that justify their running times. But in the case of this one, Nolan is being needlessly cruel to his audience…or at least one particular demographic of it…

"Hold up, guys. I just spotted a bunny."

I’m at that time in my life when parts of me don’t work as well as they used to. I need glasses to see clearly, I wake up with various joints that painfully remind me I'm no longer 30, and most relevant to my beef with Nolan, a bladder that commands my attention a lot more often than I’d like (unfortunately, the cruelty of time has does nothing to affect the hair follicles in my nose and ears, which are more prolific than ever). While a prescription helps me deal with an aging bladder, there are still some days where I feel like all I do is pee. 

Sometimes just thinking about peeing makes me have to pee, as does seeing or hearing a beverage pouring, the sound of splashing, a toilet flushing…you get the idea. There’s a wonderful scene in Phillip Kaufman’s classic, The Right Stuff, where astronaut Alan Shepard is strapped in his rocket, ready to be the first American in space, but the launch is delayed. After a while, he has to relieve himself, but is instructed not to for fear of the effect on his spacesuit. The increasing pressure on his bladder is hilariously compounded by shots in the command center of coffee pouring, watercoolers bubbling and people using the restroom. Recently rewatching that scene made me want to pee as well.

For those of a certain age with similar physical burdens, going to the movies (especially long ones) can be a dicey endeavor. It ain’t like the old days, when simply holding it for three hours was no big challenge. Back in college, I even participated in a drinking game where we’d see who could go the longest without relieving ourselves. I didn’t win, but did manage to last almost four hours. While those days are long gone, I still hate getting up in the middle of a movie to pee. Unless said-movie sucks, of course, which Nolan’s never do.

So whenever I get to a theater, I always try to pee first, and if it’s a long movie, I refrain from buying a beverage from the snack bar. That attack plan got me through Nolan’s equally-epic Oppenheimer with no real issues. But if you’ve ever actually seen Oppenheimer, you’ll know it largely takes place in the arid desert of Los Alamos, with nary a glass of water to be seen. Conversely, one of the primary settings of The Odyssey is the sea…the turbulent, perpetually churning sea, where Odysseus and his dwindling army are lost and repeatedly subjected to violent weather and crashing waves. Before long, my old man bladder began to take notice, and it was around the time Odysseus’ ship was in danger of being sucked under by a massive whirlpool - looking like the world’s biggest toilet - that I feared my dick might explode. But dammit, I wasn’t gonna miss any of this movie.

By some miracle, I did make it to the end credits, at which time I rushed to the men’s room and peed for about three days. But I came damn close to embarrassing my whole family by wetting my pants in public, and I’m not planning on embarrassing my whole family by wetting my pants in public for another 20 years or so. 

So if you’re listening, Chris (after sharing intimate details about my bodily functions, I feel I’ve earned the right to address you as such), I humbly offer this compassionate plea: Should you ever decide to direct another three-hour epic where water plays a significant role, how about throwing a fucking intermission in there somewhere…like right after a giant fucking whirlpool scene? As it is, The Odyssey is a great film and I admire some of your inclusive casting choices (screw the mouth-breathers…Elliot Page and Lupita Nyong’o were perfect in their roles). So how about extending similar inclusion to the adults in the audience who can’t quite hold their water like they used to?

After all, you’re Christopher Nolan, the guy who still likes to make movies the old fashioned way…with actual film stock and very little CGI. You might as well go totally old school and bring back the intermissions that all epics used to include. With the clout you have, Hollywood will listen to you.