ANVIL! THE STORY OF ANVIL: What a Difference a Movie Makes

ANVIL! THE STORY OF ANVIL Ultimate Edition (Blu-ray Review)

2008 / 81 min

FROM MVD VISUAL

Review by Fluffy the Fearless😸

You’d be hard pressed to name another artist or band who benefited more from audience goodwill than Anvil. They were the subjects of Anvil! The Story of Anvil, which was easily 2008’s best documentary. Revealing, funny and ultimately touching, it’s a shame this one was snubbed at Oscar time. Then again, most things associated with heavy metal tend to be ignored & marginalized, don't they?

But not only was the film massively entertaining - often touted as a real-life This is Spinal Tap - it gave Anvil sudden attention and success after wallowing in obscurity for 40 years. No more false starts, disastrous tours or menial day jobs. Whether or not they’re actually a good band is obviously subjective and ultimately irrelevant, since Anvil! The Story of Anvil made audiences fall in love with tirelessly optimistic guitarist Steve ‘Lips’ Kudlow and laid-back drummer Robb Reiner. After all they endured over the years, it was hard not to root for these guys.

Robb & Lips...masters of feng shui.

Since then, Anvil have taken advantage of their new lease on life, releasing several albums and embarking on numerous high profile tours. And that’s what makes this new 2-disc Blu-ray worth picking up, whether one is a fan of the movie, the band, or both. In addition to the newly remastered film - always worth revisiting - and archival bonus material, there’s an entire second disc loaded with new interviews and video commentaries, primarily featuring Kudlow, Reiner and director/superfan Sacha Gervasi. In a nutshell, Anvil’s feel-good story continues as the band reflects on how the film has impacted their lives and careers.

It’s not easy for a documentary to instill humor, drama, suspense and heartwarming moments, yet Anvil! The Story of Anvil manages to accomplish all of that with a story as compelling and inspirational as any fictional film. Best of all, one doesn’t necessarily need to be a metal fan to enjoy it. And since this film gave Anvil the biggest shot-in-the-arm of their entire career, it’s gratifying to learn their belated, hard-earned success wasn’t short-lived.

EXTRA KIBBLES

INTERVIEW WITH STEVE ‘LIPS’ KUDLOW, ROBB REINER & DIRECTOR SACHA GERVASI - By far, the best of the bonus features, this new feature length interview features the band and director discussing, among other things, the film’s impact on both.

RICH ROLL PODCAST INTERVIEW 

PICTURE-IN-PICTURE VIDEO COMMENTARY - By Steve ‘Lips’ Kudlow, Robb Reiner and director Sacha Gervasi.

2 VIDEO COMMENTARIES - 1) A full length Zoom commentary by Steve ‘Lips’ Kudlow, Robb Reiner and director Sacha Gervasi as they watch the film on Vimeo; 2) Another oom commentary with director Sacha Gervasi and producer Rebecca Yeldham.

3 AUDIO COMMENTARIES - 1) By Gervasi, Yeldham & editor Andrew Dickler; 2) By Steve ‘Lips’ Kudlow, Robb Reiner and director Sacha Gervasi; 3) By Director Sacha Gervasi.

2 Q&As - 1) With Anvil, moderated by Steve-O; 2) With Steve ‘Lips’ Kudlow, Robb Reiner, Sacha Gervasi and Peter Dinklage.

ARCHIVAL INTERVIEWS - Interview with Lars Ulrich; Where Are They Now? (interviews with 2 former band members); This Feels Good (2008 interview with the band).

“1981” INTERVIEWS - Though listed on the menus as 1981 interviews, they are obviously culled from a time after the film was released. The best one features Lips discussing his friendship with Motorhead’s Lemmy.

SACHA GERVASI ROCKS WITH ANVIL - From 2008, the director joins the band on stage for a song.

3 DELETED SCENES

3 TRAILERS

REVERSIBLE COVER

TWO-SIDED MINI-POSTER

A Newbie's Take on BIG TIME GAMBLING BOSS

BIG TIME GAMBLING BOSS (Blu-ray Review)

1968 / 95 min

FROM RADIANCE FILMS

Review by Fluffy the Fearless😹

One of the great things about being a cinephile is thinking you know everything, then discovering that you don’t, which opens up a whole new world of movies you weren’t aware of.

So, confession time. While I have more knowledge of foreign films than the average American moviegoer and I have seen a Yakuza film or two, I had no idea that it was a hugely popular subgenre in Japan, especially during the 60s and 70s. Big Time Gambling Boss is only one of many Yakuza films released by Studio Toei, and if this one is indicative of the others, I see some movie marathons in my future.

Big Time Gambling Boss is not the slab of exploitative action that its stupidly-translated title suggests, nor is it a sweeping, epic crime saga. The film is something in between, with a compelling story of respected clan member Nakai (Koji Tsututa), who turns down the opportunity to oversee the five local gangs, instead suggesting Matsuda (Tomisaburo Wakayama), a senior member about to be released from prison. However, the counsel selects a lower ranking boss, Ishido (Hiroshi Nawa), who reluctantly accepts.

"No more saké for this guy!"

This doesn’t sit well with Matsuda, a reactionary hothead who lets his wounded pride turn into a vendetta against Ishido. The counsel relies on the more level-headed Nakai to keep the piece, which grows increasingly difficult because Matsuda simply can’t get out of his own way. However, Matsuda’s not the actual antagonist here, as revealed later when the council’s real intentions are made known.

Though occasionally violent, the emphasis is more on the relationships between friends, family & clan members, as well as the workings of these organizations. The plot is intriguing and complex, as are the performances by the entire cast. In some ways, the film reminded me a bit of The Godfather. Part of that could be the score, which sounds very much like Nino Rota, but I think such a comparison also derives from the themes of loyalty vs. friendship, as well as a growing feeling that the fates of these characters are inescapable from the offset.

That’s not to say it’s as great as The Godfather. Not even close. But as a tough, intriguing and occasionally tragic piece of pulp fiction, Big Time Gambling Boss is excellent. If the other Studio Toei Yakuza films are this good, consider this guy a new fan.

EXTRA KIBBLES

SERIAL GAMBLING - An excellent video essay by Chris D.about Studio Toei’s history of Yakuza films. 

NINKYO 101 - Another very good video essay, this time by author Mark Schilling.

GALLERY

TRAILER

SUPPLEMENTAL BOOKLET - Contains two essays, cast, crew & Blu-ray credits.

REVERSIBLE COVER

CLOVERFIELD (4K SteelBook): One for the Collectors

CLOVERFIELD 15th Anniversary Edition (4K SteelBook Review)

2008 / 84 min

FROM PARAMOUNT

Review by Tiger the Terrible🙀

Subjectively, Paramount has been putting out some of the cooler SteelBooks lately, with creative packaging and vivid new artwork. Recent examples include the colorful minimalism of Pulp Fiction and the elaborately designed Event Horizon.

The new packaging for Cloverfield is similar to the latter, with a transparent slipcase featuring the title & a beheaded Statue of Liberty inside a camera lens. The book itself reveals the Cloverfield monster rampaging through the fiery streets of New York, designed to appear as if being caught on camera. Overall, it’s pretty striking artwork to commemorate the film’s 15th Anniversary. Since the movie itself isn't significantly upgraded from previous Blu-ray or 4K releases, this one is obviously intended for SteelBook collectors.

Revisiting Cloverfield today was a nice reminder that, at one time, it was simply created as a monster movie, not part of a sci-fi universe shared by tenuously linked “sequels” (with an ongoing story arc apparently known only to producer J.J. Abrams). While I’ve enjoyed each film in the franchise - even the critically maligned Cloverfield Paradox - the original remains the most purely visceral experience, largely due to its disorienting cinema vérité style and the emotionally driven - often dumb - decisions of its characters.

Ironically, CNN totally missed this story.

Cloverfield is also one of the few found footage movies that’s actually any good. Found footage was already an overused gimmick by 2008, used by would-be auteurs motivated more by finances than creativity. But here, it is utilized to great effect, putting us right there at ground zero with its characters, seeing only what they see, receiving information only when they do. A single POV camera is also a remarkably clever way to slowly reveal the monster, which we mostly only see in quick, shaky glimpses until the climax. Without Abrams and director Matt Reeve’s creative use of found footage, Cloverfield would be just another unremarkable monster movie (probably a phony looking one, at that).

This is the second time Cloverfield has been released on 4K, and I’m not sure how much found footage actually benefits from the format. The film was initially shot with low-resolution cameras, something 4K isn’t gonna substantially improve (and would we want it to?). Additionally, all of the bonus features are carried over from previous Blu-ray releases, which means this disc is essentially an aesthetically pleasing 15th Anniversary souvenir. SteelBook collectors will appreciate it, but everyone else might find it superfluous.

EXTRA KIBBLES

4K, BLU-RAY & DIGITAL COPIES

FEATURETTES - The Making of Cloverfield; Cloverfield Visual Effects; “I Saw It! It’s Alive! It’s Huge!”

“SPECIAL INVESTIGATION MODE” - Watch the film with pop-up info. I always liked these.

“CLOVER FUN” - Bloopers/outtakes

AUDIO COMMENTARY - By director Matt Reeves

4 DELETED SCENES

2 ALTERNATE ENDINGS

Hanging Around with DEATH KNOT

DEATH KNOT (Blu-ray Review)

2021 / 101 min

FROM WELL GO USA

Review by Josey, the Sudden Cat🙀

From Indonesia, Death Knot is a horror film dripping with atmosphere. From the opening shot - a woman performs some sort of ritualistic dance in the woods just before hanging herself - nearly every scene reflects the somber, foreboding tone. There’s even some beauty in its murky aesthetic. However, the story isn’t quite engaging enough to justify the film’s length and languid pace.

Hari (Cornelio Sunny, who also directs) and sister Eka (Wikida Sidmore) learn that their estranged mother has just committed suicide. Though they have no fond memories of her, both return to the village of their childhood and attend her funeral. Few of the villagers liked their mom much, either, because she supposedly practiced black magic. In fact, they blame her for resurrecting an ancient demon which has repeatedly prompted other locals to hang themselves in the woods. 

"I see what you did there."

It turns out the villagers might be right, and some practically beg Hari, Eka and her husband, Adi (Morgan Oey), to leave. When a few others hang themselves, the siblings are blamed. Adi wants nothing more than to get the hell out of there, but Hari feels obligated to stick around and find someone to look after their mother’s house until they can sell it. Naturally, Adi has the right idea, while we come to the consensus that Hari might be an idiot. After all, he decides to stick around even after witnessing someone close to him become possessed and hang himself.

Of course, if people high-tailed and ran whenever a killer, monster or demon fucked with them, there’d be no horror movies. So a character’s questionable decisions aren’t really a big deal. Besides, the basic story itself - while not particularly revelatory - is sporadically interesting, punctuated by some chilling scenes and haunting imagery. But Death Knot is often a little too meandering - and repetitive - for its own good, taking way too long to reach its predictable, underwhelming climax.

Still, the film looks great and features effective, understated performances by the entire cast. Death Knot should also be commended for eschewing cheap jump scares and special effects in favor of using its bleak setting and oppressive atmosphere to build tension. If only it moved along a little faster…

ADVENTURES IN THE BUDGET BIN: Grocery Grabs & Deadly Doughnuts

REPORT BY MR. BISCUITS🐈

It’s been pretty slim pickings during my video bargain hunts lately. I suppose I’m not really all that surprised. As physical media increasingly takes a back seat to streaming and downloads, it stands to reason that brick & mortar stores would follow suit. Hell, the Best Buy near my house stopped selling movies altogether. 

Still, as someone who still loves actually owning my favorite movies, the realization that it's essentially an old man’s endeavor is kinda sad. On the plus side, however, no one ever asks to borrow my movies anymore. Speaking of which, my asshole brother-in-law never did return my copy of Full Metal Jacket he borrowed ten years ago.

Even the budget bins at my local Walmarts, Big Lots & Dollar Trees seem to be running dry, mostly stocked with stuff either I already own or ain’t even worth the dirt-cheap price tag. 

But when one door closes, another opens…

Not long ago, Mama Kitty decided we should start grocery shopping at WinCo, which suited me just fine since I was getting pretty sick of refinancing the house at Safeway just to keep toilet paper in the house. Overall, WinCo is bigger and cheaper, though there hasn’t been a time when half the population of Gresham wasn't shopping at the same time we were.

I was pleasantly surprised to discover WinCo has its own selection of bargain discs…not a ton, but a few things I never found at Big Lots. I recently grabbed 4 Film Favorites: Clint Eastwood (Blu-ray $6.99), which has two shitty Dirty Harry movies (The Enforcer, Sudden Impact), as well as Absolute Power, which I actually hadn’t seen but turned out to be pretty good. The main reason I wanted it was for Firefox, which is no masterpiece, but one of those “comfort food” movies. Like the original Dune, it’s enjoyably meandering. Stretching on the sofa after a large meal and popping in Firefox is an agreeable way to drift off to sleep.

The real prize this trip was Arctic (Blu-ray $4.99), which I’d been wanting to see for a long time. The film stars Mads Mikkelsen as a pilot who crashes in the frozen tundra and is forced to save himself by taking a perilous journey on-foot while dragging another injured survivor. Nearly dialogue free, it’s a gripping, immersive film, unlike the similarly-titled Mikkelsen manure train, Polar, which I originally mistook for Arctic when I caught it on Netflix…118 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. WinCo is known for its large selection of bulk foods, and if they ever sold movies in bulk, Polar would be one of the raisins you'd pick out of otherwise-tasty trail mix.

You know what else they have at WinCo? Caffeinated doughnuts. As if deep fried sugar & bread loaded with preservatives wasn’t toxic enough, someone thought to inject a coffee cup’s worth of caffeine into each one. I was getting the jitters just looking at the box…not even Firefox would put me to sleep after downing a couple of these things. Depending on your outlook, that’s completely evil or total genius. Or evil genius. Either way, there’s some serious fuckery going on at the Hostess factory.

While I enjoy expanding my waistline on frivolous food as much as the next middle-aged married guy, I took a hard pass. Caffeinated doughnuts would likely make Mama Kitty a widow long before I’m done making her life miserable.

THE MENU and the Perfect Cheeseburger

THE MENU (Digital Review)

2022 / 106 min

FROM SEARCHLIGHT PICTURES

Review by Tiger the Terrible😺

The more we learn about Chef Slowik, it is increasingly obvious he couldn’t have been played by anyone other than Ralph Fiennes. And if that weren’t enough to recommend The Menu, any movie that shows me how to build the perfect cheeseburger is time well spent.

As the world’s most famous and respected celebrity chef, Slowik has a restaurant located on an island that not-only provides the ingredients for all his dishes, he and his fiercely loyal staff also live there. His clientele typically consists of rich, privileged folks who think nothing of paying $1,200 each for the opportunity to sample his cuisine. The elaborate menu consists of several courses, each with a story regaled by Slowik himself, who appears to have a personal stake in their taste and appearance. 

We meet his latest group of patrons first, boarding the boat which will carry them to the island. Aside from professional escort Margot (Anya Taylor-Joy), none of them appear particularly likable, especially her date, self-professed foodie Tyler (Nicholas Hoult), who hires her to take his ex-girlfriend’s place (which initially upsets Swolik, for reasons soon made clear). Of all the snobs and entitled douchebags invited to dine that night, Tyler is by-far the worst - and the funniest - especially once the evening takes a sinister turn.

"Sorry, sir, your card was declined."

The chef has this particular group in-mind when creating the menu, which begins inauspiciously - if not comically pretentious - but grows increasingly unnerving (and violent) with each course. And the more we learn of his agenda, the more we tend to think his clientele might ultimately deserve what Swolik has in store for them. Surprisingly, the patrons themselves eventually appear resigned to their fates (something I’ve personally not seen in a film of this sort).

Aside from ample amounts of black comedy and none-too-subtle satire, Fiennes’ performance in The Menu is what ultimately drives the narrative and makes Swolik such a memorable character. As an actor, he’s always been a master of displaying understated grace when playing complex characters, so while Swolik is the de facto antagonist, Fiennes depicts him with equal measures of empathy and pathos, which is far more engaging than just another twisted villain with an evil agenda. In a way, the overall sense of fatalism conveyed and instigated by Swolik renders the climax both haunting and oddly amusing.

Taylor-Joy is also effective as Margot, sort-of representing the audience as the not-so-casual observer of Swolik’s violent brand of poetic justice. Elsewhere, The Menu is a lot of wicked fun, with moments that range from horrifying to hilarious, sometimes within the same scene. But the movie belongs to Fiennes. Not only is it hard to imagine anyone else in the role, he manages to turn a simple cheeseburger into a goddamn work of art.

EXTRA KIBBLES

A LOOK INSIDE THE MENU - Three-part making-of featurette.

DELETED SCENES

GERRY ANDERSON: A LIFE UNCHARTED: Eulogy for a Puppet Master

GERRY ANDERSON: A LIFE UNCHARTED (DVD Review)

2022 / 92 min

FROM MPI MEDIA GROUP

Review by Fluffy the Fearless😽

In England, producer Gerry Anderson is renowned for creating - along with wife Sylvia - a lot of sci-fi themed kids’ shows featuring puppets, Thunderbirds being the most successful. On this side of the pond, he’s probably best-known for the live-action ‘70s series, Space: 1999, which ran in syndication for a few years. In a way, he was the British Gene Roddenberry.

Some of his shows have since earned cult followings, but fans should be aware that the documentary, Gerry Anderson: A Life Uncharted, is accurately titled, focusing far more on the man’s private life than his prolific career. And to be honest, Anderson’s personal history isn’t as interesting as his professional one.

Through new and archival interviews, the film chronicles Anderson’s life, from being raised by combative parents through his death in 2012. Much of the story is told by Anderson himself or children from his three marriages, some who became estranged from their father, others, such as Jamie Anderson, who followed in his footsteps (in fact, Jamie is one of this film’s producers). Ultimately, it paints a picture of a man who wasn’t always easy to get along with and not entirely successful at long-term relationships (professionally or otherwise). Even his marriage to Sylvia is portrayed as somewhat contentious.

Gerry Anderson's wine of choice? Thunderbird, of course.

While the film does touch on Anderson’s long career, those segments are usually fleeting, mostly mentioning which shows were failures or successes. A few colleagues and peers are interviewed, but there’s almost nothing about the creative process, how shows were made or Anderson’s peculiar passion for puppetry. Even his biggest successes - Thunderbirds and Space: 1999 - are briefly-mentioned footnotes to this story. Though a few scenes from various shows are included, they’re mainly used as context to Anderson’s personal life.

As such, Gerry Anderson: A Life Uncharted is more of a semi-affectionate eulogy than a career retrospective. There’s nothing wrong with that if one is aware going in. The film is watchable, but had Anderson’s quirky creativity been chronicled just as comprehensively, it could have been fascinating.

THE DUNWICH HORROR: Hippy-Trippy Lovecraft

THE DUNWICH HORROR (Blu-ray Review)

1970 / 90 min

FROM ARROW VIDEO

Review by Josey, the Sudden Cat🙀

H.P. Lovecraft’s work has always been pretty trippy, as is this adaptation of one of his most famous tales. However, its overall trippiness has more to do with the era when it was made than the story itself.

The Dunwich Horror is an early attempt to bring Lovecraft to the big screen, courtesy of Samuel Z. Arkoff & friends. And if that name rings a bell, you’re probably aware that he and his partners-in-crime at American International Pictures specialized in cranking out budget-conscious films in a variety of genres. In the late 60s and early 70s, many of their movies were acid-laced with a psychedelic aesthetic that assured they’d be period pieces within just a few years.

This one is a hippy-dippy slice of horror that distills and simplifies the source material to accommodate its budget while tossing-in goofy dream sequences and titillating sexuality. Dean Stockwell plays Wilbur Whateley, the creepy descendant of a man who was obsessed with summoning “The Old Ones,” malevolent beings from another dimension. Picking up where dear ol’ Dad left off, he coerces naive college student Nancy (Sandra Dee) to his home in Dunwich with the intention of using her body to finish the job and bring these creatures into our world. When her professor, Dr. Armitage (Ed Begley), and best friend, Elizabeth (Donna Baccala), go looking for her, they learn of the Whateley family’s dark past and Wilbur’s intentions.

Looks like someone could use a little Cialis.

Depending on one’s tastes (or state of mind), the frequent psychedelic embellishments are either mood enhancing or a major distraction. Either way, the story sometimes transcends its dated elements, particularly when digging into the Whateleys’ history (which has terrified the God-fearing folks of Dunwich for years). Less engaging are the performances. Begley looks like he’s there for the paycheck, while Dee demonstrates the thespian skills of a mannequin. Stockwell, however, is a real hoot, especially when trying to appear suave and mysterious. He also engages in some prime scenery chewing during the climax.

Like a lot of Lovecraft adaptations - old and new - The Dunwich Horror is somewhat hampered by its budget and a tendency to deviate from the original story. Then again, his writing has always featured settings, creatures and imagery that are a challenge to depict to the big screen, so we won’t hold that against it. And though it looks downright archaic today, the film is a decent early attempt to adapt one of his stories, which will be of considerable historical interest to Lovecraft fans. In addition to a solid video & audio restoration, Arrow Video includes bonus features that are both entertaining and insightful. Fire up a fat one and enjoy.

EXTRA KIBBLES

“THE DOOR INTO DUNWICH” - Running over two hours, this is a Zoom conversation between comic book artist Stephen R. Bissette and author Stephen Laws. Mostly pretty interesting, though a bit exhausting after a while.

“AFTER SUMMER AFTER WINTER” - Interview with author Ruthanna Emrys,who compares the film to the Lovecraft story.

“THE SOUND OF COSMIC TERROR” - A look at Les Baxter’s score.

AUDIO COMMENTARY - By Guy Adams & A.K. Benedict.

TRAILER

IMAGE GALLERY

SUPPLEMENTAL BOOKLET - Not available for review.

ALIEN 3: Someone Saved My Wife Tonight

ALIEN 3 (1992)

Starring Sigourney Weaver, Charles Dutton, Charles Dance, Danny Webb, Brian Glover, Ralph Brown, Lance Henriksen. Directed by David Fincher. (114 min)

Essay by D.M. ANDERSON💀

My wife, Francie, almost died once. I was there when it happened, and all I can say is she’s damn lucky to be alive. Even now, 30 years later, the thought of how the incident could have turned out sends a cold shiver up my spine. 

In order to recall this terrifying tale, it is unfortunately necessary to provide spoilers, which is sort of ironic considering the circumstances surrounding Francie’s brush with death. So, if you’ve never seen the infamous sci-fi suppository known as Alien 3, stop reading now.

Alien 3 takes place an unspecified amount of time after Ripley’s showdown with the xenomorph queen in Aliens, which is arguably one of the best sequels of all time, not just because it compares favorably to the original, but because it's unique unto itself. Writer/director James Cameron uses the concepts hatched in Alien (no pun intended) as a springboard for a film that's completely different in pace, tone and level of character development. It works as both a sequel and a rousing stand-alone sci-fi/action epic. Even Francie, who normally doesn’t go in for this sort of thing, liked Aliens.

Naturally, we couldn’t wait for a third entry in the franchise, having been teased about it for months with enticing trailers. And since the first two were distinctly different, we were open to the idea of Alien 3 going in a new direction. In fact, more of the same might have even been considered a disappointment. The last thing this series needed to become was Friday the 13th in space.

A lot of ideas were tossed around during Alien 3’s notoriously troubled production, which included having the story take place on Earth or, more intriguingly, a wooden planet-sized superstructure populated by monks (or something like that). Many other ideas were considered, too, all of which sounded cooler than what the final product turned out to be.

That pitch might have gone something like this: “Hey, I got it! Let’s have it take place on a lice-infested prison planet, shave the entire cast bald and kill off every character that survived the last film…including Ripley! We can get the guy who directed those Madonna videos to do this one!”

David Fincher may be a highly respected director today, but back then, he was a relative nobody entrusted to helm one of the most anticipated sequels of the era, which the powers-that-be at 20th Century Fox apparently decided should be the Schindler’s List of action movies. 

But we didn’t know any of that as we lined up on opening night in 1992 to catch the next installment of the Alien franchise. It had been six years since Aliens and we were more than ready for Ripley to resume kicking serious xenomorph ass. This was gonna be great.

Who's a good boy!

While I can’t speak for the rest of the packed theater that night, my excitement started to wane before the opening credits even finished, with scenes showing a xenomorph egg hatching onboard the Sulaco, the Marine ship where Ripley, Hicks, Newt and Bishop were in cryosleep after the events in Aliens. 

Uh…what? How is that possible? Ripley already killed the alien queen and the rest were all vaporized in a nuclear explosion back on the planet she just escaped. Who the fuck was still around to lay an egg?

At no point does the movie attempt to answer that question, but okay. I was willing to overlook such a glaring plot hole as long as the rest of the movie delivered the gooey goods. Instead, Alien 3 is a relentless Debbie Downer with almost none of the suspense of the first film or the intense action of the second. While not terribly made or anything, it’s slow, depressing and - aside from Ripley herself - features no likable or interesting characters. Bald, filthy and dressed in rags, they even all look the same. It’s as if everyone involved on both sides of the camera were intentionally trying to tank the franchise.

And our reward for enduring two hours of bleak nihilism? Watching Ripley die horribly, an alien bursting from her chest as she falls into a vat of molten lead. Yeah…thanks, guys.

As the end credits rolled, Francie and I filed out of the theater with the rest of the crowd, most with grim expressions on their faces. This was the most downbeat capper to a trilogy I’d ever seen (at the time, we didn’t know the franchise would keep hobbling along well into the 21st Century). In the lobby, as we walked past the sizable crowd of people lined up for the next showing, Francie blurted out, fairly loudly, “I can’t believe they killed Ripley!”

Oh, you should have seen the looks on those faces in line, who seemed to turn in unison to hatefully glare at my wife as though she just beat up a child in a wheelchair. 

I’m sure some of you have seen or read how The Simpsons have accurately predicted things that eventually occurred in real life. In Season Two, there’s an episode where Homer accidentally spoils The Empire Strikes Back’s big plot twist as he’s leaving the theater. Now we were living it.

Like Homer, Francie didn’t mean to spoil the movie…she was just caught up in the moment, which was an emotional sucker-punch. Still, part of me sympathized with that crowd, some who looked like they were ready to step out of line to either get a refund or burn my wife at the stake. Of course, I’d have to defend her should they have chosen the latter, but since taking on an angry mob is not among my list of skills, I simply hastened our quick exit. 

Looking back on it now, I like to think of my flight response as an act of heroism. Perhaps not quite as sexy as single-handedly taking on international terrorists to save my wife on Christmas Eve, but hey, Francie’s alive and that’s all that matters. Of course, that incident is funny now. And who knows, maybe she inadvertently spared a few people the agony of having to sit through Alien 3 (while saving a few bucks), which remains the worst movie in the entire franchise.