JAWS at 50: An Anniversary Party!

A Liquor Run by D.M. ANDERSON💀

What better way to celebrate an anniversary than booze?

Well, yeah, there’s sex, but probably not for a movie’s anniversary. That would be weird even by nerd standards. On the other hand, it might be amusing to see the look on my wife's face if I entered the bedroom for date night dressed as Captain Quint clutching a fishing pole and a can of Narragansett.

So booze, it is. And to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the greatest movie ever made, California’s Fior di Sole winery has created three different Jaws themed wines. I don’t know how much they produced, but in my neck of the woods, these were only available at one place...World Market, my wife’s home-away-from-home where she loves to shop for overpriced dinnerware and wallet-busting toiletries. When it was me who suggested going there one Sunday afternoon, she must’ve thought her real husband was replaced by a robot replica.

Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women.

Anyway, World Market had bottles of Amity Island Red and Tropical Blue Spritzer, both of which I snatched up right away. And who cares if I gave up drinking years ago? I wasn’t planning on opening them anyway. These bottles could be filled with cough syrup and mouthwash and I’d be none the wiser. Since products like this don’t come along that often, I’m of the opinion that anybody buying one of these beauties with the intention of actually drinking it probably needs to attend an AA meeting or two.

Of course, now that I’ve got them, my growing Jaws shrine would be incomplete without that other classic piece of related merch…a Narragansett beer can like the one Quint drank and crushed on-board the Orca. I was forced to use eBay for that one, but it’ll look great next to my wine purchases and it only set me back six bucks. After all, it ain’t an anniversary without booze, even if all I do is look at it.

KITTEN COLLECTIBLES #12: Re-Entering THE BLACK HOLE

A Treasure Hunt by D.M. ANDERSON💀

In addition to watching and writing about films, I’m something of a memorabilia collector. Cursed with a teacher’s salary, I ain’t out there bidding on Dorothy’s ruby slippers or anything, but certainly enjoy haunting local shops for a variety of movie-related stuff. Or when feeling particularly bold, I’ll occasionally overpay for some retro relic on eBay. More often than not, I leave stores empty-handed. But every now and then, I’ll find a small treasure that doesn’t completely empty my wallet and give it a new home in the Dave Cave.

In Kitten Collectibles #3, I wrote of my antique finds related to Walt Disney’s space opera suppository, The Black Hole. Released in 1979 and touted as the studio’s first PG-rated movie, this was Disney’s attempt to capitalize on the success of Star Wars. They failed, of course, but not for a lack of trying, which included pumping out gobs of tie-in merchandise…including books, lunchboxes, school supplies, records, games and action figures, the last of which is ironic since the movie hardly has any real action. Unless he had faulty wiring upstairs, I doubt there was a single kid who ever put an Earnest Borgnine figure on their Christmas list. Most of this stuff ended up on clearance shelves faster than the E.T. Atari game.

The Black Hole is not, nor has ever been, a good movie (you can read my personal assessment HERE), though it’s since earned something of a cult following among middle-age sci-fi fans whose judgment might be clouded by nostalgia. That’s not to say I don’t like the movie. There have been numerous occasions when I’ve revisited The Black Hole and enjoyed its kitschiness. 

And as a collector who regularly haunts local Portland antique stores, I have found myself grabbing anything related to The Black Hole over the years, not because I’m some sort of superfan, but because this shit doesn’t show up that often. Most shops are glutted with Star Wars toys unloaded by guys who probably held onto them since childhood thinking it was a path to early retirement. But The Black Hole? That’s fucking rare, and I still keep a vigilant eye out for that elusive Ernest Borgnine action figure. 

In the interim, I recently added to my unintentional Black Hole shrine with a few more treasures…

The wife and I visited Portland’s Memory Den for the first time. Located in an old warehouse, it’s a two-story antique mall loaded with interesting booths, though some of them are the obvious result of someone cleaning out their garage, or trying to push old clothes as “vintage” before giving up and unloading them at Goodwill. There was also a section with old arcade games, which the proprietors encourage patrons to try out. Hence, there were two middle aged guys so intensely engaged in a tabletop hockey game that you’d think they were competing for the Stanley Cup.

When I wasn’t startled like being tased by these two fuckers every time one scored a goal, I managed to find some cool stuff, the real treasure being The Black Hole Space Alert Game. Being 46 years old, the box wasn’t in great shape, but all the pieces were intact! I’d never seen it before, but after reading the instructions, it’s basically a variation of Candyland, where players have to escape the Cygnus by making their way to the probe ship. As movie tie-in games go, this one is kinda lame (like the movie), but the board, which unfolds like a Twister mat, is pretty cool. 

I briefly considered asking my oldest daughter, Natalie, if she’d be interested in playing a round. She’s 30 now, but the original Candyland was one of her favorites when she was little. However, I also remember it was her first hard lesson that life isn’t always fair, and she'd often rage-quit by throwing the pieces and flipping the board when things didn’t go her way. While I’m sure she’s gotten over that by now, I decided not to risk the same thing happening to my latest treasure. 

So I’ve added the game to other recent finds related to The Black Hole, such as the novelization by Alan Dean Foster (which is actually pretty good). More amusingly, I found the children’s book, a family-friendly version of the original story. Part of Disney’s Wonderful World of Reading series, the story is told from the POV of V.I.N.C.E.N.T., the movie’s obligatory “cute” robot. To avoid traumatizing the kiddos, it mercifully leaves out the parts where every character dies and main antagonist Hans Reinhardt ends up in hell with evil robot Maximillian. 

Without really trying, I’ve acquired nearly as much Black Hole memorabilia as I have for genuinely great sci-fi films like Alien. And I'll keep doing so until I snag that Harry Booth action figure. What the hell is wrong with me?

ADVENTURES IN THE BUDGET BIN: The Pricey Pillow Party

A REPORT BY MR. BISCUITS🐈

Were pillows always this fucking expensive? 

To be clear, I’m not referring to the decorative throw pillows that Mama Kitty sometimes buys to spice up the living room sofa, replacing older ones that have apparently lost their spiciness. Since those are a pretty penny, too, I’ve occasionally asked her how many throw pillows one living room actually needs.

“I dunno,” she snarked one time. “How many copies of Jaws does one guy need on his video shelf?” Well played, Mama Kitty, well played.

Put that way, I guess I understand. If a new teal throw pillow is somehow an upgrade from the teal throw pillow already sitting on our couch, who am I to judge? At least it makes her happy, though I do think any pillow with an $80 price tag should at least come with a side of onion rings.

However, I’m actually referring to the plain old pillows we use for sleeping. I don’t recall paying exorbitant sums for them in the past. Or maybe they were always expensive and I just wasn’t paying attention. For me, a pillow is a just pillow…something to be replaced after the old one got too flat. And was ten bucks…tops.

During our recent date night (Starbucks & shopping on Saturday afternoons), Mama Kitty wanted to grab a couple of new ones to fill the pillowcases she just bought. Perhaps you’re thinking, “Why not just put the perfectly good pillows you already have in them?” While I might have thought the very same thing, suggesting as much would likely result in a snarky retort about my recent purchase of the entire Godfather Trilogy on 4K to replace my Godfather Trilogy on Blu-ray, which had replaced my Godfather Trilogy on DVD, which replaced my Godfather Trilogy on VHS. I ain’t gonna open up that can of worms.

So off we went to Marshall’s, which, as department stores go, is generally pretty affordable. Mama Kitty found two options…fluffy white pillows for $35 or fluffy white pillows for $50. Naturally, she chose the $50 ones. That’s a lot of cash for something I’m just gonna end up drooling on in my sleep. And they didn’t even come with onion rings.

We left Marshall’s with my wallet noticeably lighter, but not so light that a quick stop at Big Lots was out of the question. While Mama Kitty popped into Craft Warehouse next door, I made my way to Big Lots’ movie rack, where I found Exorcist: The Beginning (Blu-ray/$4.99). I wouldn’t call this prequel a good film…besides Die Hard 2, what Renny Harlan movie really is? But it does complete my Exorcist collection on Blu-ray, and if nothing else, it’s still better than Exorcist II: The Heretic.

How Father Merrin disposes of his old pillows.

It was actually a good day for collection completion. On the same shelf was Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Blu-ray/$4.99), the first film in the reboot/prequel trilogy (whatever you want to call it). Though I already own the DVD, I had the other two on Blu-ray and my video shelf just seemed incomplete without all three of them in the same format, not to mention the upgrade in picture & sound quality. 

I also grabbed a couple of blind buys, Becky (Blu-ray/$3.99) and a double-feature disc pairing Identity & Vacancy (Blu-ray/$6.99). Blind buys are less of a risk at five bucks a pop, and since I always meant to check these out, why not? I guess they could all be considered horror films, though after watching Identity, I’d say it’s more of a mystery thriller, and a pretty good one at that. Vacancy, however, is a bucket of monkey shit. As for Becky, I discovered I like Kevin James a lot more when he’s not trying to be funny (in fact, he’s pretty fucking creepy here, playing a vicious neo-Nazi).

All told, that’s five flicks for half the cost of a new pillow. But before leaving the store, I checked Big Lots’ bedding section to see if we could’ve found cheaper pillows. Sure enough, they had plenty of ‘em for only twenty bucks. I briefly considered snarking at Mama Kitty over her lack of comparison shopping skills, but thought better of it, especially since these $20 jobs didn’t feel nearly as cozy. Maybe a pillow isn’t always just a pillow.