THE HAPPENING: A Passionate Plea to Mark Wahlberg

Starring Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo, Betty Buckley. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. (2008, 90 min).

Essay by D.M. ANDERSON
 
Dear Mr. Wahlberg:

I know you’re a busy man, but I’m desperate and don’t know who else to turn to. My wife and I have been married a long time. Most of those years have been happy ones, but lately, she’s become increasingly depressed. So I am pleading for you to find some time in your schedule between Transformers movies to show up at our doorstep and put some spark back in our lives.

No, I’m not asking you to be a sexual surrogate (your services in that area would probably assure she’d never want to see me naked again), nor is my wife a big fan of your music and film career. You can leave the glossies and autograph pens at home because she won’t be bowled-over by your arrival…

…unless you do me a solid, one which might bring her out of her funk.

Before you roll your eyes and consider deleting this message, I’ll have you know I paid good box office cash to endure Planet of the Apes, Rock Star, Max Payne, Pain & Gain and The Lovely Bones. The way I see it, you kind-of owe me, so don’t make me come looking for you.

Now that I have your complete attention, it’s important to know a little about my wife. She’s a kind, lovely woman and a wonderful mother. She’s intelligent, well-read and quite funny. She’s also very ambitious; one of her long-time goals has been to cultivate an urban garden in order to grow a variety of fruits and vegetables. In fact, as I write this, she’s making me dig-up what’s left of the postage stamp we call a lawn. Armed with just a shovel, it’s been a bitch, but at least I won’t have to shell-out $300 bucks for a new lawnmower (our old one exploded last summer).

Yet no matter how much love and attention she's always given every plant she’s made me load into our SUV during trips to Home Depot, nearly all of them wither away and die within a few weeks. Even cactus, the indestructible Terminators of the plant kingdom, have almost no chance of survival in her hands. Worse-still was one anniversary when I came home with a dozen roses, all of which impaled themselves on their own thorns the second she laid eyes on them.

My wife still hasn’t figured out that she’s the arboreal equivalent of the Grim Reaper, yet this goddamn garden is really important to her. I’m currently in a constant state of fear because when something doesn’t go as planned, she tends to get so depressed that I feel the need to put the Suicide Hotline on my call list. Yeah, I’ve considered venturing to our local Safeway store to pick up various veggies to toss into the garden in hopes she’ll think this death curse has been lifted, but who am I kidding? I’ve never been able to lie to her.

Mark Wahlberg...The Plant Whisperer.

This, Mr. Wahlberg, is where you come in. Remember The Happening, where you played a high school science teacher able to figure out the wave of mass suicides was due to an apocalyptic revolt by all the plants, trees and grass? Of course you do, because it was the greatest performance of your career. Who else could hold a serious conversation with a plastic plant without the audience bursting into laughter? Some might argue that you couldn’t either, but my wife and I believe everything we see on TV. So you, my friend (I feel like I can call you a friend at this point) have the unique opportunity to not only save our garden, but our marriage as well (I always have a lot more sex when my wife is happy).

All you have to do is stop by the house, stroll through the garden and use your thespian skills to talk these plants into flourishing. Be humble, cordial and nice, like you were when talking to that fake plant in The Happening. Apply the same congenial & friendly Wahlberg voice you often reserve for your ’serious’ movies and make it rain like dollars at a lap dance! You did it once, now I implore you to do it again. In return, I'll scoop all the dog shit from our yard, fire up the barbecue & grill some burgers (since you made it obvious in The Happening you don't like hot dogs). As a bonus, I’ll offer free advice why you should get your ass out of the Transformers franchise right now (before you’re in too deep). Maybe we could even talk sports, at which time I'll enlighten you on how much the rest of the world really hates the Boston Red Sox.

At any rate, if my wife’s garden still withers on the vine, at least I can blame you. But being a high profile celebrity, you’re used to that, right?

KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE on Digital HD May 15 / Blu-ray June 9

We're already purring.

Blu-Ray Review: THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS 2

Starring Dustin Nguyen, RZA, Carl Ng, Pim Bubear, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa. Directed by Roel Reine. (2015, 90 min).
Universal

RZA (Robert Fitzgerald Diggs) returns as the title character in this follow-up to 2012’s The Man with the Iron Fists. As with most direct-to-video sequels to marginally successful films, this one is a scaled-back affair. Like the first, RZA co-wrote the screenplay. This time, however, he turns the directorial reigns over to Roel Reine, who appears to specialize in keeping action franchises alive on DVD (he also directed Death Race 2 & 3, Scorpion King 3, The Marine 2, 12 Rounds 2 and The Condemned 2). So it probably goes without saying that fans of the original should lower their expectations. If you’re able to do that, The Man with the Iron Fists 2 might provide some passable entertainment.

This time out, Thaddeus the Blacksmith (RZA) reluctantly comes to the aid of a group of miners suffering under the tyranny of Master Ho (Carl Ng), who excels in cruelty as he rules over the village. Several local women have also been murdered, their lives almost literally sucked out of them, which everyone initially suspects is also Ho’s doing. One miner, Li Kung (Dustin Nguyen, the actual star of the film), finally decides to stand up to Ho after his younger brother is murdered.

Of course, mayhem ensues, with the usual blood-letting through swordplay, arena fights and Thaddeus’ iron appendages. There are enough sliced arteries, dismembered limbs, beheadings and exploding torsos to amuse those who enjoy their action garnished with gore. Like the original, none of the action is anything you haven’t seen before in better films, but it’s handled with workmanlike skill. The same can be said for the story and cast. From a narrative standpoint, there aren’t a hell of a lot of surprises (well, maybe one), and even though this sequel doesn’t boast the same marquee names as the first, the cast (especially Nguyen) is fairly impressive. As Thaddeus, RZA is arguably the weakest link. While not terrible in the role he created for himself, he doesn’t have much range and his character was never all that interesting to begin with.

Like the first film, The Man with the Iron Fists 2 pays respectful homage to the genre which inspired it. While that alone isn’t likely enough to entice new viewers, those who enjoyed the original will probably walk away satisfied.

EXTRAS:

• Making-of Featurette
• Deleted Scenes
• Audio Commentary by Director Roel Rene & RZA
• R-Rated and Unrated Versions of the Film
• DVD & Digital Copies

KITTY CONSENSUS:

Not bad...like Cat Chow

Blu-Ray Review: VENGEANCE OF AN ASSASSIN

Starring Dan Chupong, Nantawut Boonrupsup, Nisachon Tuamsoongnern, Kessarin Ektawakul, Chatchapol Kultsiriwuthichai. Directed by Panna Ritikrai. (2014, 90 min).
Well Go USA

On one hand, Vengeance of an Assassin is a histrionic, sloppy, slapped-together mess with ludicrous action and narrative gaps wider than the Grand Canyon (without a doubt, its story is an afterthought). Nearly every performance makes Nicholas Cage look like the poster child for subtlety, and the special effects are downright laughable. Then there are the numerous gunfights, which grow increasingly ridiculous as the film goes on, like a late scene where people convulse in a hail of gunfire even though nobody’s actually aiming at them, making us think we‘re in the hands of amateurs.

On the other hand, despite the mostly “serious” tone, I can’t help but shake the feeling much of the ridiculousness is intentional. That same dumb gunfight is actually brilliantly executed in one long continuous shot that stretches for several minutes, a virtual ballet of guns, blood and fire. It’s so well choreographed that we assume those behind the camera have their tongues firmly planted in their cheeks when it comes to logistics.

I don’t know much about director Panna Ritikrai (he of Ong-Bak fame; Vengeance of an Assassin  was his last film before passing away), but it’s immediately obvious everything takes a backseat to the ample martial arts scenes, even when they have nothing to do with the plot (such as the over-the-top ‘soccer’ sequence which opens the film). Such scenes are as brutal and jaw-dropping as any other film you’d care to name. Even when taking place atop a CG-rendered commuter train, these guys look like they‘re really hitting each other. Speaking of which, the entire train sequence is so over-the-top, phony and outrageous that one can’t help but think this film is nearly as self-aware as Sharknado.

The story, when the film even bothers to address it, has Thee, the son of two murdered parents (whom we later learn were agents trying to bring down a ruthless crime operation). Later, with virtually no transition, Thee himself (as well as his younger brother) is a virtual, one-man killing machine, taking out dozens of thugs trying to protect the daughter of a government official. Thee’s apparently indestructible, too…during one of many violent encounters with the enemy, he’s thoroughly impaled, yet is back and ready for more action within a few days.

So yeah, Vengeance of an Assassin is utterly ridiculous, and if you’re hung-up on plausibility, you’ll absolutely hate it. But if you’re one of the few able to see through its supposed ineptitude and embrace its uninhibited exuberance, this movie is a hell of a lot of fun.

EXTRAS: None

KITTY CONSENSUS:

Purr...like a good scratch behind the ears.

FAMOUS ACTORS...STEPPING ON LEGOS

Have you ever wondered how a director is able to coax a convincing performance from an actor during an emotionally important moment? We here at Free Kittens Movie Guide have a theory...perhaps all they did before arriving on the set is raid their kids' toy box. 

Submitted as evidence:

And really...wouldn't that explain William Shatner's entire career? There were probably Lego blocks strewn all over the bridge of the Enterprise.

Blu-Ray Review: ECHOES

Starring Kate French, Steven Brand, Billy Wirth, Steve Hanks, Caroline Whitney Smith. Directed by Nils Timm. (2014, 88 min).
Anchor Bay

As a lifelong horror fan, I love coming across a new and relatively obscure film, the kind that doesn’t get the attention of the multiplex mallrat crowd, yet turns out to be a hidden gem. I’m always on the lookout for those. But for every fantastic fright fest like 1988’s Scarecrows (one of the most underrated low budget horror films of all time) or 2013’s disturbing & surreal Rigor Mortis, I end up enduring scores of derivative, forgettable flicks like Echoes.

But here’s the thing…unlike a lot of truly terrible, amateurish garbage passing itself off as horror (especially the direct-to-video stuff), Echoes isn’t necessarily a bad film. In fact, it’s competently directed & shot, featuring decent performances and a story that doesn’t insult your intelligence. However, it isn’t very imaginative, perhaps even overly-conservative at times. Aside from its interesting setting, there’s no real attempt to make it stand out as anything other than a passable time killer on a dull evening. And even then, you aren’t likely to hit the pause button while using the bathroom or heading to the fridge for another beer.

Anna (Kate French) is a troubled writer who suffers from paralyzing night terrors. After taking off with boyfriend/editor Paul (Steven Brand) to his immaculate desert retreat, she has terrifying visions of an evil sand-ravaged spirit, a woman who repeatedly shows up to take care of some unfinished business. Unless you’ve never seen a single ghost story your entire life, you already know this means she’s not necessarily the main villain (though she uses Anna to kill a few people who never wronged her to begin with). This has been a standard movie trope for years, but writer/director Nils Timm makes no attempt to put any kind of unique spin on things, content to dish out yet-another vengeful spirit story we’ve all seen countless times.

While there are some fine visual moments (the desert has always been an eerie place, which this film exploits fairly well), the characters are pretty bland and the story plays more like a checklist. Troubled protagonist? Check. Surreal dream sequence? Check. Ominous written messages from an angry spirit? Check…

I could go on, but what’s the point? You’ll already know what’s going to happen long before Anna does, and even though originality isn’t always a prerequisite for good horror, Echoes comes to a disappointing (and anticlimactic) conclusion.

EXTRAS: None

KITTY CONSENSUS:

Meh...

Rest In Peace, Geoffrey Lewis

Geoffrey Lewis (1935-2015)

FKMG presents UNFORTUNATELY-ARRANGED MOVIE MARQUEES

Sometimes planning in advance is a good idea...

"Noooo!"

The STAR WARS DIGITAL COLLECTION Available for the First Time on Digital HD April 10th

As anticipation builds for the December release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the first new film in the Star Wars Saga in a decade, The Walt Disney Studios, Lucasfilm Ltd., and 20 Century Fox today announced the upcoming release of The Star Wars Digital Movie Collection. For the first time ever, all six epic films in the Saga, from The Phantom Menace to Return of the Jedi, will be available on Digital HD throughout the galaxy – or at least here on Earth – globally beginning Friday, April 10.

Watch the Trailer Here

SINISTER 2 Exclusive Teaser Clip Now Available

The fear is spreading – in this exclusive teaser clip from SINISTER 2, the highly anticipated sequel to the 2012 sleeper hit horror movie. This clip, courtesy of Blumhouse Productions and Focus Features, scared Wondercon attendees out of their badges…

Check it out below.  The film opens nationwide on August 21! Stay tuned for the premiere of the Official Trailer on April 9, exclusively on Fandango!