JAWS at 50: An Anniversary Party!

A Liquor Run by D.M. ANDERSON💀

What better way to celebrate an anniversary than booze?

Well, yeah, there’s sex, but probably not for a movie’s anniversary. That would be weird even by nerd standards. On the other hand, it might be amusing to see the look on my wife's face if I entered the bedroom for date night dressed as Captain Quint clutching a fishing pole and a can of Narragansett.

So booze, it is. And to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the greatest movie ever made, California’s Fior di Sole winery has created three different Jaws themed wines. I don’t know how much they produced, but in my neck of the woods, these were only available at one place...World Market, my wife’s home-away-from-home where she loves to shop for overpriced dinnerware and wallet-busting toiletries. When it was me who suggested going there one Sunday afternoon, she must’ve thought her real husband was replaced by a robot replica.

Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women.

Anyway, World Market had bottles of Amity Island Red and Tropical Blue Spritzer, both of which I snatched up right away. And who cares if I gave up drinking years ago? I wasn’t planning on opening them anyway. These bottles could be filled with cough syrup and mouthwash and I’d be none the wiser. Since products like this don’t come along that often, I’m of the opinion that anybody buying one of these beauties with the intention of actually drinking it probably needs to attend an AA meeting or two.

Of course, now that I’ve got them, my growing Jaws shrine would be incomplete without that other classic piece of related merch…a Narragansett beer can like the one Quint drank and crushed on-board the Orca. I was forced to use eBay for that one, but it’ll look great next to my wine purchases and it only set me back six bucks. After all, it ain’t an anniversary without booze, even if all I do is look at it.

JAWS at 50: Kitten Collectibles #13

A Treasure Hunt by D.M. ANDERSON

In addition to watching and writing about films, I’m something of a memorabilia collector. Cursed with a teacher’s salary, I ain’t out there bidding on Dorothy’s ruby slippers or anything, but certainly enjoy haunting local shops for a variety of movie-related stuff. Or when feeling particularly bold, I’ll occasionally overpay for some retro relic on eBay. More often than not, I leave stores empty-handed. But every now and then, I’ll find a small treasure that doesn’t completely empty my wallet and give it a new home in the Dave Cave.

Since 1975, my favorite movie has always been Jaws, and most people I know are well-aware of that. While I don’t go through my day telling everyone I encounter that it’s the greatest movie of all time, there are always signs…

I suppose it goes without saying that I’ve also got a shit-ton of Jaws related merch and collectibles…from action figures to Lego sets to die cast vehicles. But alas, none of it is actually from the ‘70s, either because it’s too hard to find or my wife won’t allow me to mortgage the house for the original Jaws game. 

Then during my last year of teaching before retirement, one of my students arrived before class and gave me this…

She and her parents became aware of my love for Jaws during conferences (there were signs in my classroom, too). And apparently, this old relic had been sitting in their garage for decades. 

There was a lot of tie-in merchandise related to Jaws during the ‘70s, but I had no idea that a line of skateboards baring its logo even existed. Doing a bit of digging online, I learned the original Jaws skateboards were available in a variety of colors, and you can still find them if you’re willing to pay enough. Somewhat ironically, the rarest item in my Jaws collection didn’t cost me a penny. 

I was deeply touched that a student and her parents thought of me instead of discarding it…probably the closest I’ve ever gotten to a Mr. Holland moment during my teaching career. Needless to say, I didn’t try riding it. I wasn’t all that great of a skater even back in the day. At my age, not only would I look supremely silly, my wife probably would’ve ended up calling 911 after I faceplanted on the driveway.

KITTEN COLLECTIBLES #12: Re-Entering THE BLACK HOLE

A Treasure Hunt by D.M. ANDERSON💀

In addition to watching and writing about films, I’m something of a memorabilia collector. Cursed with a teacher’s salary, I ain’t out there bidding on Dorothy’s ruby slippers or anything, but certainly enjoy haunting local shops for a variety of movie-related stuff. Or when feeling particularly bold, I’ll occasionally overpay for some retro relic on eBay. More often than not, I leave stores empty-handed. But every now and then, I’ll find a small treasure that doesn’t completely empty my wallet and give it a new home in the Dave Cave.

In Kitten Collectibles #3, I wrote of my antique finds related to Walt Disney’s space opera suppository, The Black Hole. Released in 1979 and touted as the studio’s first PG-rated movie, this was Disney’s attempt to capitalize on the success of Star Wars. They failed, of course, but not for a lack of trying, which included pumping out gobs of tie-in merchandise…including books, lunchboxes, school supplies, records, games and action figures, the last of which is ironic since the movie hardly has any real action. Unless he had faulty wiring upstairs, I doubt there was a single kid who ever put an Earnest Borgnine figure on their Christmas list. Most of this stuff ended up on clearance shelves faster than the E.T. Atari game.

The Black Hole is not, nor has ever been, a good movie (you can read my personal assessment HERE), though it’s since earned something of a cult following among middle-age sci-fi fans whose judgment might be clouded by nostalgia. That’s not to say I don’t like the movie. There have been numerous occasions when I’ve revisited The Black Hole and enjoyed its kitschiness. 

And as a collector who regularly haunts local Portland antique stores, I have found myself grabbing anything related to The Black Hole over the years, not because I’m some sort of superfan, but because this shit doesn’t show up that often. Most shops are glutted with Star Wars toys unloaded by guys who probably held onto them since childhood thinking it was a path to early retirement. But The Black Hole? That’s fucking rare, and I still keep a vigilant eye out for that elusive Ernest Borgnine action figure. 

In the interim, I recently added to my unintentional Black Hole shrine with a few more treasures…

The wife and I visited Portland’s Memory Den for the first time. Located in an old warehouse, it’s a two-story antique mall loaded with interesting booths, though some of them are the obvious result of someone cleaning out their garage, or trying to push old clothes as “vintage” before giving up and unloading them at Goodwill. There was also a section with old arcade games, which the proprietors encourage patrons to try out. Hence, there were two middle aged guys so intensely engaged in a tabletop hockey game that you’d think they were competing for the Stanley Cup.

When I wasn’t startled like being tased by these two fuckers every time one scored a goal, I managed to find some cool stuff, the real treasure being The Black Hole Space Alert Game. Being 46 years old, the box wasn’t in great shape, but all the pieces were intact! I’d never seen it before, but after reading the instructions, it’s basically a variation of Candyland, where players have to escape the Cygnus by making their way to the probe ship. As movie tie-in games go, this one is kinda lame (like the movie), but the board, which unfolds like a Twister mat, is pretty cool. 

I briefly considered asking my oldest daughter, Natalie, if she’d be interested in playing a round. She’s 30 now, but the original Candyland was one of her favorites when she was little. However, I also remember it was her first hard lesson that life isn’t always fair, and she'd often rage-quit by throwing the pieces and flipping the board when things didn’t go her way. While I’m sure she’s gotten over that by now, I decided not to risk the same thing happening to my latest treasure. 

So I’ve added the game to other recent finds related to The Black Hole, such as the novelization by Alan Dean Foster (which is actually pretty good). More amusingly, I found the children’s book, a family-friendly version of the original story. Part of Disney’s Wonderful World of Reading series, the story is told from the POV of V.I.N.C.E.N.T., the movie’s obligatory “cute” robot. To avoid traumatizing the kiddos, it mercifully leaves out the parts where every character dies and main antagonist Hans Reinhardt ends up in hell with evil robot Maximillian. 

Without really trying, I’ve acquired nearly as much Black Hole memorabilia as I have for genuinely great sci-fi films like Alien. And I'll keep doing so until I snag that Harry Booth action figure. What the hell is wrong with me?

KITTEN COLLECTIBLES #11: The Botched Bond Girl

A Treasure Hunt by D.M. ANDERSON💀

In addition to watching and writing about films, I’m something of a memorabilia collector. Cursed with a teacher’s salary, I ain’t out there bidding on Dorothy’s ruby slippers or anything, but certainly enjoy haunting local shops for a variety of movie-related stuff. Or when feeling particularly bold, I’ll occasionally overpay for some retro relic on eBay. More often than not, I leave stores empty-handed. But every now and then, I’ll find a small treasure that doesn’t completely empty my wallet and give it a new home in the Dave Cave.

Movies and action figures go together like cops and donuts. While I collect action figures to a certain extent, I’m a little picky. I don’t bother with anything related to Marvel, Star Wars or Disney because that shit is everywhere. Visit damn near any store that sells vintage toys and you’ll see shelves and shelves of ‘em, most likely dumped off by guys once certain those things were a path to early retirement.

But I’ll certainly snap-up something related to movies I’m into, such as Alien, Jaws or other figures never intended to be actual toys. It’s especially fun to find one that isn’t from a sci-fi or horror film, mainly because I don’t see them that often. At a local place called Antique Alley, I recently found a 13” figure of Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction that speaks dialogue from the movie. It even superficially resembles John Travolta.

Speaking of resemblance, Foxtrot Vintage, just down the street from my house, had a figure of Ursuala Andress’ character, Honey Ryder, from the first James Bond film, Dr. No., even though the thing in the box doesn’t remotely look like her.

Separated at birth?

In fact, her face reminded me more of Richard Chamberlain getting a colonoscopy than the bikini-clad Bond beauty. And with that Terminator of a body, Honey looks like she’s ready to kick 007’s ass. Hell, the Funko Pop of Honey Ryder looks more like Ursula than this one. The hilariously half-assed design made it well worth the eight bucks I paid. Even now, a few days later, looking at it makes me chuckle.

Sometimes I leave my figures in their original box, other times I take them out. It either depends on the condition of the box or if they’d simply look cooler if posed in my display case. I've decided to leave this one boxed because, without it, you’d probably be wondering where I found an action figure of a WWE wrestler in drag.

KITTEN COLLECTIBLES #10: Shut Up and Take My Money

A Treasure Hunt by D.M. ANDERSON💀

In addition to watching and writing about films, I’m something of a memorabilia collector. Cursed with a teacher’s salary, I ain’t out there bidding on Dorothy’s ruby slippers or anything, but certainly enjoy haunting local shops for a variety of movie-related stuff. Or when feeling particularly bold, I’ll occasionally overpay for some retro relic on eBay. More often than not, I leave stores empty-handed. But every now and then, I’ll find a small treasure that doesn’t completely empty my wallet and give it a new home in the Dave Cave.

During the holidays, my father, bless his heart, always gives me a rather sizeable check. Thanks to him, I’m afforded the opportunity to blow money on frivolous shit without feeling guilty about it. At no other time would I drop $160 bucks on a Lego set at my age. But not just any Lego set.

I loved Legos as a kid, but back then, sets weren’t created and sold to build anything specific…just a big box of bricks to construct whatever you could imagine. And my collection was huge, the result of being the go-to gift for relatives to buy me when they couldn't think of anything else. Except my grandmother, of course, who gave me a subscription to National Geographic every year under the apparent assumption that’s what preteen boys enjoyed reading. Good thing she never got a look under my mattress.

After leaving such childhood things behind, Lego sets became more elaborate…and expensive. Not only that, you can hardly find just a simple box of bricks anymore. Every set is designed to build something specific, with accompanying instructions. I have a friend - a big Star Wars nut - who shelled out $300 for a Millennium Falcon set. After spending 18 hours putting it together, he proudly brought it to work so we could admire his achievement. I offered a polite attaboy, but was mostly thinking, A little obsessed, aren’t ya guy? I mean, Star Wars is a great movie, but geez.

Lego Jaws, though? 1,497 pieces dedicated to the greatest movie ever made? Just shut up and take my money. 

As of this writing, it’s still in its beautiful blue box, and I’m waiting until I have a good 18 hours to kill before putting it together. Afterwards, I’ll proudly show it to my wife so she can admire my achievement, and likely offering her own polite attaboy while silently thinking that money would’ve been put to better use on a pressure washer. Just like she did when I recently dropped 75 bucks on a Pulp Fiction action figure (but more on that later).

Then it will become part of my ever-growing Jaws shrine, never to be disassembled.