THE COLUMNIST: A Writer's Revenge Fantasy

THE COLUMNIST (DVD Review)

2019 / 85 min

FROM FILM MOVEMENT

Review by Fluffy the Fearless😸

As any writer who regularly publishes on the internet will attest, trolls come with the territory. Emboldened by their anonymity, they have all the balls in the world when it comes to tearing others down. You can practically see a smug, punchable smirk spread across their face as they hit ‘send,’ completing yet-another mission of being a total dick.

I generally don’t mind comments and am certainly luckier than the protagonist of The Columnist, a meek, sensitive writer who’s subjected to vicious levels of verbal abuse from anonymous trolls, many who attack her because she’s a woman. Most of what I get are contrary opinions or readers correcting me when I get facts wrong (which I actually appreciate). Still, I occasionally get personal attacks from asshats comforted by the knowledge they’ll never be called on their bullshit face-to-face. 

But what if they were?

That’s the premise of The Columnist, an amusingly vicious Dutch black comedy in which writer Femke Boot (Katja Herbers) becomes obsessed with the horrible personal comments from various readers - all of them men - affecting her ability to finish the book her publisher is demanding. After Femke discovers one troll is a neighbor, she kills him. The gratification she feels not-only encourages her to hunt down others - and take their middle fingers as trophies - her subsequent killing spree does wonders for overcoming writer’s block.

If I was walking behind her right now, I'd be pissed.

Meanwhile, her teenage daughter, Anna (Claire Porro) is dealing with free speech issues at school, being kicked off the newspaper by her uptight principle. While this subplot initially seems unrelated, I suspect it’s inclusion is intended as another reminder that “freedom of speech” does not mean freedom from consequence. And right now, in the real world, there are a lot of dumbasses who need to remember that. In a sick & twisted way, this clarification sort-of justifies Femke’s actions. Despite her violent responses, there’s no point where we feel her victims don’t have it coming. 

Less interesting is Femke’s relationship with fellow writer Steven Dood (Bram van der Kelen), who sort-of serves as a moral compass and offers the sound advice of never reading comments. For the most part, he is inessential to the plot, save for making a horrific discovery late in the film. Aside from that, The Columnist offers a pretty funny writer’s revenge fantasy featuring a character we empathize with, even as she’s dispatching her enemies. After all, they could have disagreed nicely, but chose to be dicks instead. Serves ‘em right.

KITTY CONSENSUS:

PURR-R-R...

Rest In Peace, Frank McRae

 

Frank McRae (1944-2021)

MORGUE: Too Much Bread, But the Meat is Good

MORGUE (Blu-ray Review)

2019 / 81 min

FROM WELL GO USA

Review by Josey, the Sudden Cat😼

Morgue is one-third of a great movie. Like a juicy broiled burger patty slapped between two big stale buns, it features a terrific middle act, but you gotta slog through a rote, occasionally stupid set-up to get to the meat.

Diego (Pablo Martinez) is a self-absorbed loser with a bitchy girlfriend (who serves so narrative purpose whatsoever). On his way to her place, he hits and kills a man with his car. In a panic, he leaves the scene. The next night, he takes a temp job as a security guard at a hospital morgue, where of course, his victim is lying dead on one of the slabs. And once Diego's alone, he’s not quite alone; for the next thirty minutes or so, he’s subjected to strange noises, creaking doors, objects moving, flickering lights and a mysterious hooded derelict. It’s a checklist of stuff you’ve seen in a million other horror movies, routinely recycled.

Serpico II.

However, once Diego becomes trapped in the morgue itself, it’s like writer-director Hugo Cardozo suddenly flips a switch, cranking up the atmosphere, scares and an impressive amount of escalating dread. None of it is terribly original and doesn’t always make a lot of narrative sense, but the entire morgue sequence is extremely well-executed, visually and sonically, with one gruesome shock after another. Even Martinez’ performance achieves an intensity we never saw during the first act, effectively conveying Diego’s descent into madness.

But all good things come to an end, sometimes too soon. Once the action leaves the morgue itself, the meat is gone with a lot of bun left over. Morgue culminates in a drab resolution that’s not-only predictable, it goes on far too long, including a completely out-of-place final scene that diffuses the ominous tone Cardozo tried so hard to establish.

Perhaps Morgue should have been produced as a short to begin with. Even with a scant 81 minute running time, it feels awfully padded out. Less bread and more meat would have been preferable. Still, the patty itself is probably tasty enough to make the whole burger worth ordering.

KITTY CONSENSUS:

NOT BAD.

THE POOP SCOOP: Upcoming Kibbles!

CITY OF LIES is coming to Blu-ray and DVD 6/8 

What is worse, the crime or the cover-up? Based on the book, LAbyrinth, by Pulitzer Prize-winning author Randall Sullivan, this compelling crime-thriller follows the investigation into the infamous murder of iconic rap artist Christopher Wallace aka The Notorious B.I.G. Oscar® nominee Johnny Depp stars as determined LAPD detective Russell Poole, who spent nearly 20 years trying to solve the murder, and Oscar® and Primetime Emmy® winner Forest Whitaker as Jack Jackson, a journalist who teams up with Poole in search of the elusive truth. Together they explore why the case remains cold — and why a secretive division of the LAPD is seemingly set on keeping it that way. 

SHOPLIFTERS OF THE WORLD Available on DVD and Blu-ray 6/1

In the Summer of 1987, four friends, reeling from the sudden break-up of the iconic British band The Smiths, embark on a night out of partying to mourn their musical loss. At the same time, an impassioned Smiths fan takes a local radio DJ hostage at gunpoint and forces him to play nothing but Smiths tracks. With the radio station playing as the soundtrack to their night, the friends go on a wild journey of self-discovery that will transform them forever. Featuring an incredible soundtrack – including 20 songs from The Smiths – Shoplifters of the World is a glorious ode to the craziness of the ‘80s and the power of music to change people’s lives. Written and directed by Stephen Kijak (We Are X, Sid & Judy), SHOPLIFTERS OF THE WORLD stars Helena Howard (Amazon’s "The Wilds," Madeline's Madeline), Ellar Coltrane (Boyhood, Showtime's "The Good Lord Bird"), Elena Kampouris (Children of the Corn, “Sacred Lies”), Nick Krause (Boyhood, The Descendants), James Bloor (Nat Geo’s “Barkskins”), with Thomas Lennon (“Reno 911!,” Night at the Museum) and Joe Manganiello (HBO’s “True Blood," Magic Mike, Archenemy).

WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY Arrives on 4K Ultra HD 6/29

Directed by Mel Stuart and starring Gene Wilder as the legendary Candy Man Willy Wonka, this splendiferous movie brings to the screen the endlessly appetizing delights of Roald Dahl’s cherished book. Coated with flavorful tunes and production designs that are a visual treat for the eyes, this effervescent musical never fails to enchant young and old. On a whirlwind tour of Willy’s incredible, edible realm of chocolate waterfalls, elfish Oompa-Loompas and industrial-sized confections, a boy named Charlie (Peter Ostrum) will discover the sweetest secret of all: a generous, loving heart. And viewers will rediscover all the timeless magic as it was meant to be seen.Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory will be available on Ultra HD Blu-ray Combo Pack and includes an Ultra HD Blu-ray disc with the feature film in 4K with HDR and a Blu-ray disc with the feature film and special features.

 

Restored 48 HRS. and ANOTHER 48 HRS. Coming to Blu-ray 7/6

Paramount Home Media Distribution has announced that it will release on Blu-ray Walter Hill's 48 Hrs. (1982) and Another 48 Hrs. (1990). The two releases will be available for purchase on July 6, with new packaging and bonus features. In 48 Hours, Nick Nolte is unforgettable as Jack Cates, a rough-edged Inspector on the hunt for two vicious cop-killers. Unlikely ride-along con Reggie Hammond (Eddie Murphy), is given 48-hour leave from prison to help Cates on the case. The laughs fly almost as much as the punches, as both men pursue two very different goals in a short amount of time. Six years later, two stars and director Walter Hill returned for the hit sequel, Another 48 Hours.

THEY WON'T BELIEVE ME: Robert Young's Dark Side

THEY WON’T BELIEVE ME (Blu-ray Review)

1947 / 95 min

FROM WARNER ARCHIVE COLLECTION

Review by Mr. Paws😺

You’re never too old to discover new things.

For most of my life, Robert Young was the dedicated, kindly doctor my folks used to visit on Marcus Welby M.D.. Before that, he was the dad everyone wished they had on Father Knows Best. I’d seen him in various other congenial roles in movies & TV over the years, but never paid much attention to his career.

But recently, I’ve discovered his dark side in such films as Crossfire, a classic piece of film noir where he plays a cynical, hard-nosed detective, and The Mortal Storm, which has him betraying friends & family to join the Nazi party. What's revelatory is how convincing he is in those roles...a far cry from dishing-out fatherly advice to Betty & Bud.

As Larry Ballentine in They Won’t Believe Me, Young is an absolute, irredeemable bastard...and he’s the protagonist!

When we meet Larry, he’s on trial for the murder of his lover, Verna (Susan Hayward), and takes the stand to tell his side of the story. He doesn’t sugarcoat it, either, freely acknowledging he married wife Greta (Rita Johnson) because she’s rich, while having an affair with her best friend, Janice (Jane Greer). Eventually, he plans to run away with Janice, but Greta intervenes by setting him up as a partner in a brokerage firm. Unable to resist the money, he unceremoniously dumps Janice moves to LA with his wife.

Even on paper, Robert knows best.

Soon after, Larry is seduced by one of the office secretaries, Verna, who freely admits being a gold-digger. However, they fall in love and decide to run away together. On the way to Reno, the two get into a fiery accident and Verna dies. Because she was burned beyond recognition, the police mistakenly believe the body is Greta, which Larry doesn’t refute. Since the crash was ruled an accident and everyone thinks Greta’s already dead, he figures he can return home and kill her without raising suspicion. However, he discovers her body at the bottom of a ravine, along with the note he left her. Larry dumps her into a nearby river and tries to put everything behind him, now rich and scot-free.

Then things get complicated when Larry's former partner starts inquiring about Verna's disappearance.

A terrific little piece of film noir, They Won’t Believe Me benefits from terrific plot complications and, of course, Young’s complex performance. Larry comes across as sympathetic during his testimony and outwardly charming while courting Verna. But he’s apathetic to the pain he causes others and almost remorseless over the death of these women. Yet we still get caught-up in his plight, even though we shouldn’t. After all, Larry may not have actually killed anyone, but he sure-as-hell was planning to.

Capping everything off with a deliciously ironic twist ending, They Won’t Believe Me is another vivid example of Robert Young getting his bad guy groove on. And once again, he totally nails it. Before he became typecast as upstanding citizens, the man was pretty damn versatile, which I’m only-now discovering.

KITTY CONSENSUS:

PURR-R-R...

LAPSIS: Small Film, Big Ideas

LAPSIS (DVD Review)

2020 / 108 min

FROM FILM MOVEMENT

Review by Fluffy the Fearless😸

I’m not sure what the hell I just watched. For a sci-fi film, Lapsis is about as low-tech as it gets, mostly taking place in the woods with its characters camping in tents each night. During the day, their actions are often inexplicable. There’s a faceless antagonist - an all-powerful Big Brother-like corporation - but we’re never quite sure of their agenda. And in the end, we're left with more questions than the film chooses to answer.

Still, I liked Lapsis. A lot.

Maybe it’s because I could relate to the film’s protagonist, Ray (Dean Imperial). He’s an everyman who doesn’t entirely trust technology and resents the extent that The Quantum - the latest must-have computer network - has insinuated itself into all factions of society. I feel the same way about cell phones; the only reason I now own one is because society dictates I do (and I’ve had people make fun of me for hanging onto a landline for so long).

Since the Quantum network continuously requires endless amounts of cable, a side industry has evolved. One particular company (CABLR) offers the promise of quick riches to people willing to hike throughout various regions and connect miles of cable to giant metal cubes. However, “buying” into the business requires getting a personal medallion, which is expensive. But as a “cabler,” the more you connect, the more money you can earn. 

"Yeah...I think it's aphids."

Similar to a Ponzi scheme, nobody seems to know exactly what Quantum does or why being a cabler should be so lucrative, but most don’t appear to get wealthy because of the company’s rigid quota. Cablers must maintain a relentless pace, racing against slow-but-ceaseless robots to the next destination. If the robot beats you there, no payday. If you’re caught cheating - like trying to sabotage a robot - you forfeit your medallion.

Though he doesn’t want to, Ray finds himself forced to become a cabler, mainly because his younger brother suffers from a form of chronic fatigue called Omnia and needs treatment offered by a specialty clinic (which also appears to be a scam). But he’s older than other cablers and out of shape. Not only that, he buys a black market medallion which belonged to someone named Lapsis, who may have knowledge about Quantum a group of disgruntled cablers seek to exploit.

However, Lapsis mostly eschews the particulars of its labyrinthine plot to focus on the inherent absurdity of its premise. The act of cabling is a ridiculous task, especially since it utilizes decades-old technology. Eventually, we harbor the suspicion that cabling serves no purpose at all, and those sucked into doing it are generally treated pretty terribly.

The narrative begins to unravel near the end, mainly because it’s so loosely-knit to begin with. But until then, Lapsis is chock-full of satiric commentary, mostly about conformity and greed. Quantum could just as easily be Amazon, Nestle, Apple or the phone service I have the privilege of paying 200 bucks a month for...companies whose monopolizing business practices not-only go unquestioned by John Q. Public, we’re ultimately unable to avoid them. For a grassroots piece of budget-conscious sci-fi, Lapsis ends up being surprisingly perceptive.

EXTRA KIBBLES

MAKING-OF FEATURETTE

AUDIO COMMENTARY - by writer-director Noah Hutton, producers Jesse Miller, Joseph Varca & Taylor Hess.

“GUTS” - Short documentary by Noah Hutton & Taylor Hess.

KITTY CONSENSUS:

PURR-R-R...

THE LITTLE THINGS: Denzel to the Rescue

THE LITTLE THINGS (Blu-ray Review)

128 min / 2021

FROM WARNER BROS

Review by Tiger the Terrible😼

#InPartnershipwithWB

Thank God for Denzel Washington. Just how many movies has he saved during his career?

Looking back at his filmography, one might have to go all the way back to 1990’s Heart Condition to find one that was unequivocally terrible. But over the years, he's rescued scores of others from pure mediocrity simply because of his screen presence. The man needs a cape.

Case-in-point, The Little Things is a derivative thriller that owes more than a passing nod to Seven, with two cops tracking down a sadistic serial killer who tortures young women to death. For most of its running time, the film treads familiar ground. Washington plays Joe Deacon, a former detective now working as a small-town deputy. He returns to his old LA stomping grounds to collect a piece of evidence, but gets coerced into teaming-up with cocky young hotshot Jim Baxter (Rami Malek, in a surprisingly thankless role). Being older & wiser, Deacon becomes a mentor in more ways than one. 

"Staring contest...GO!"

In a casting move that’ll surprise absolutely nobody, Jared Lero is primary suspect Albert Sparma, your standard-issue clever-but-crazy antagonist who toys with the detectives and clearly enjoys this cat & mouse game. As serial killers go, we’ve seen him in countless other movies and Leto approaches the role with the subtlety of a mallet. 

Some willing suspension of disbelief is required at times, particularly during the second half. However, it’s also when we learn more about Deacon’s past and why he was essentially drummed out of town years earlier, an interesting bit of exposition that explains his motives for rescuing Baxter from a similar situation. Deacon’s internal conflict is easily the best aspect of the film, largely due to Washington’s stoic, empathetic performance.

Despite some tense moments, The Little Things mostly walks a familiar path and ends with more of a whimper than a bang. However, the effortless gravitas Denzel Washington brings to his character keeps the film from becoming completely rote. It’s worth checking out just for his performance. 

EXTRA KIBBLES

“THE LITTLE THINGS - FOUR SHADES OF BLUE” - 10 minute featurette highlighting Denzel Washington’s cop roles in various Warner Bros films.

“A CONTRAST IN STYLES” - Director John Lee Hancock, Denzel Washington, Rami Malek & Jared Lero discuss the characters and working with each other.

DIGITAL COPY

KITTY CONSENSUS:

NOT BAD...DENZEL SAVES THE MOVIE.

Rest in Peace, Olympia Dukakis

Olympia Dukakis (1931-2021)

Movie Night with Dave & Stinky: RESERVOIR DOGS (1992)

THE VIRTUOSO and the Chatty Cathy

THE VIRTUOSO (Movie Review)

2021 / 110 min

FROM LIONSGATE

Review by Tiger the Terrible😾

The Virtuoso starts off with a bang...literally...in more ways than one.

Our would-be protagonist and not-so-humble narrator is an assassin for-hire. We get a look at his handiwork when he applies some violent coitus interruptus with a high-powered rifle, taking-out his mark from a distance without harming the woman straddling him.

It’s the most shocking, outrageous and original scene in the entire movie. The rest doesn’t even come close.

Imagine a version of 1972's The Mechanic where Charles Bronson never shuts up. That’s sort-of what The Virtuoso plays like. Not that this unnamed killer (Anson Mount) converses much with the other characters. However, he talks our ears off with completely unnecessary voice-over narration, coldly mansplaining the meticulousness required for his profession, even as we’re watching him being meticulous.

But apparently not meticulous enough, when the next job results in collateral damage - a young mom’s violent, fiery death. It continues to haunt him and ultimately affects his decision-making. After giving the worst pep-talk of all time, his mentor (Anthony Hopkins) gives him a new assignment: To go to a small-town diner and wait for his next mark. He’s given no name or description, just two cryptic words...White Rivers. There are a few customers at the diner - all of whom could be potential targets - along with an wanton waitress (Abbie Cornish) who practically throws herself at him.

"Lady, do I look like I want dessert?"

It’s at this point when The Virtuoso not-only turns overly-serious, plausibility takes a backseat as the assassin starts picking-off his potential marks one-by-one. And for someone who’s simply identified in the credits as “The Virtuoso,” he doesn’t really demonstrate a lot of virtuosity. There’s also a far-fetched story twist brewing, which the narrative spoils way too early by clumsily-inserting several scenes of Hopkins seated at a desk with cellphones and a gun. 

Speaking of Hopkins...aside from the aforementioned pep-talk - a Vietnam War anecdote that seems to go on forever - he almost literally phones-in his entire performance. Nice work if you can get it, but anyone expecting him to be a major player in the story will be sorely disappointed. Instead, we get Mount in nearly every scene, required to do little more than glower. Aside from a brief bout of remorse over killing the mom, his character is virtually expressionless...your standard-issue, high-tech, sharply-dressed killer-for-hire.

Brooding, implausible and devoid of engaging characters, The Virtuoso fails to deliver on the promise of its morbidly amusing opening sequence. A shame, really. Had it not taken itself so seriously, this could have been a fun little film.

KITTY CONSENSUS:

MEH.