Starring
Jane Powell, Howard Keel, Jeff Richards, Russ Tamblyn, Tommy Rall,
Julie Newmar (mee-ow!). Directed by Stanley Donen. (1954/102 min).
AVAILABLE
ON BLU-RAY FROM
WARNER ARCHIVE COLLECTION
Review
by Mr. Paws😸
My
oldest daughter, Natalie, became enraged when this disc arrived at
our doorstep. A contemptuous scowl slowly spread across her face as
she spat, "Don't ever mention Seven Bride for Seven Brothers in
my presence."
"SEVEN. BRIDES. FOR. SEVEN. BROTHERS!" I replied, antagonistically emphasizing every syllable. She didn't think I was funny.
Natalie
loves to sing and loves musicals, so I was initially surprised at her
venom. Then again, she's a liberal 23-year-old college student who
listens to jazz while driving, staunchly supports total equality
and becomes infuriated at anything resembling racism, sexism and gender
stereotypes. If she smoked pot and wore sandals to work, Natalie
would be the perfect Oregonian. So I naturally assumed it was the
Stockholm Syndrome aspects of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
that incurred her wrath.
"That,
too," she replied as though that should have been obvious. "But
my high school choir teacher made us watch it all the time. It was
boring and stupid and had crappy songs."
And
just like that, the curse was broken...
|
Just...wow. |
What curse, you ask? It so happens that I, too,
have a contentious history with the film. For some reason,
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers has been adored by every female on my side of the family for a few generations, just like the
gag-inducing tomato aspic my mother makes for the holidays every
year.
For
those of you unfamiliar with this supposed ‘dish,’ tomato aspic
is a concoction of gelatin, tomatoes, peas, celery, Tabasco,
hard-boiled eggs and whatever-the-hell-else happens to be in the
fridge at the time. Worse yet, it’s served cold. Just looking
at it is like viewing someone's impacted bowels. Even
writing about it now, picturing my mom, wife and sister forking it
into their mouths, sometimes with a dollop of mayonnaise on
top, triggers my gag reflex. For some reason, this satanic slop never
caught-on with any of the males in my family. Not to
sound sexist or anything, but perhaps men are simply more aware that
just because a dish technically consists of food products doesn’t
necessarily mean it’s edible.
Until
now, the Anderson women seemed to have a similar affinity for Seven
Brides for Seven Brothers. My grandmother loved it, as does my
mother, my aunt Bobbie and my sister, Rebecca, which is ironic when one considers its primitive depiction of a woman's role in matrimony. The men, however, have always found the film insufferable.
|
The town's annual ass-kicking contest. |
While
I generally have no aversion to musicals today, I absolutely hated
them as a kid, especially Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, which
was once the catalyst
for a knock-down, drag-out fight between me and Rebecca (though we called her Becky back then). There were two TVs in the house: Mom &
Dad's big living room console, and a boxy little black & white
one in the bedroom I shared with Becky. In those days, a local TV
station used to air old movies during prime time, showing the same
title five nights in a row, Monday through Friday.
Becky
loved old musicals and insisted on watching Seven Brides
for Seven Brothers. Not just
once, but every goddamn night
that week. It might have been on the fourth day that I finally tried
to wrangle control of the TV from her. Not that there was something
on another channel I wanted to watch, but at that point, anything
- even the fucking news - would have been preferable to hearing the
opening strains of "Bless Your Beautiful Hide" another
time. But Becky wasn't gonna give up without a fight - especially
since I once subjected her to five straight nights of
Mysterious Island. But
that was different...Mysterious Island had
volcanoes & giant crabs, not a bunch of red-headed
mountain men dancing while they erected a barn.
So
we tried to settle this dispute the way most siblings do...by
screaming and throwing shit at each other. So strong were my
convictions that I decapitated several of Becky's
Barbies, which made her run from the bedroom in tears. I was
scolded by Mom, who gravely reminded me that, as the older brother, I should be mature enough to overlook Becky's bitchiness. As
punishment, I lost my TV privileges, meaning I was stuck with the
Pontipee boys and their "Sobbin' Women" for the rest of the
week.
|
Touchdown! |
And
don't get me started on the time my parents bought Grandma a VCR one
Christmas, along with a copy of this movie. Guess how many times we
had to watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
that weekend!
But
the cursed chain has finally been broken by Natalie, the first
family female who actively hates Seven Brides for Seven
Brothers.
It's
pretty damned ironic that I'm now watching it alone - willingly - all
by myself. Yeah, the whole concept and attitude towards women seems
surreal in this day and age. But you know what? I actually enjoyed
it, like going through an old family photo album (only with the
pictures completely restored to their original colorful glory). I was
reminded of that intense battle for TV supremacy with my sister,
which makes me chuckle now. The showstopping barn dance number that
enraged me as a kid now brings back fond memories of my grandmother,
who I miss dearly.
I
imagine it's the same for a lot of people. A movie like this
absolutely couldn't be made today, of course, which I suppose is what
makes it such a nostalgic gem for those who grew up loving it...like
Rebecca. I don't know if she's revisited the film lately, but I'd
wager that seeing it on Blu-Ray, more colorful and vibrant than it
ever looked on our tiny old bedroom TV, would trigger a flood of
similar memories.
EXTRA
KIBBLES
"SOBBIN'
WOMEN: THE MAKING OF SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS" - A
documentary hosted by Howard Keel.
NEWSREELS
- New York Premiere and MGM's 30th Anniversary
SHORT - "MGM Jubilee Overture" (features music from various MGM
musicals)
ALTERNATE
WIDESCREEN VERSION (DISC 2) - A re-shot version in the standard
format of the time (1.77). Intended for theaters unequipped to show
films in the CinemaScope format, this version was never actually used
(though it was apparently more expensive).
KITTY CONSENSUS:
PURR-R-R...A NOSTALGIC SCRATCH BEHIND THE EARS