A STAR IS BORN (1976) and the "Our Song" Curse

Starring Barbra Streisand, Kris Kristofferson, Gary Busey, Paul Mazursky. Directed by Frank Pierson. (1976, 140 min).

I had my first real girlfriend in middle school. Her name was Tammi. Sure, I had ‘girlfriends’ in grade school, but those relationships consisted of passing flirty notes during class. Tammi was one of the first girls I ever kissed, more-or-less cementing a fairly intense on-again-off-again relationship. Almost daily, she wrote long love letters during our on-again times, which I found a bit bewildering. Where'd she find the time?

Our school newspaper had a stupid regular feature which allowed kids to dedicate popular songs to their friends or boyfriends (most guys didn’t bother because shit like that doesn’t occur to them). Tammi dedicated “Evergreen” to us, a song from the Barbra Streisand/Kris Kristofferson remake of A Star is Born. Both the soundtrack and film were huge at the time. For Tammi, “Evergreen” was Our Song (as it was for a lot of young idiots in love), which I didn’t dispute, even though I’ve personally never associated any of my feelings with a particular song. I liked Tammi a lot, but as a card-carrying movie nerd, the first thing I thought when reading her heartfelt dedication on page three was, couldn’t you have picked something from a good movie? On the other hand, it wasn’t as though Jaws was loaded with torch songs.

A Star is Born tells a familiar Hollywood tale, the loving-yet-tumultuous relationship between a burnt-out celebrity whose star is waning from his self-destructive behavior, and a struggling-but-talented woman whose fame eclipses his. Unlike the original 1937 film and the classic 1954 remake starring Judy Garland and James Mason, this version transposes the story from old Hollywood to the modern music business, with Streisand as a hopeful young singer (though well into her thirties), Kristofferson a grizzled rock star. 

"Play 'The Way We Were' one more time and I'll snap your neck."

But this version of A Star is Born is mostly a showcase for Streisand in full diva mode (even giving her hairdresser boyfriend, Jon Peters, producing credit) with Kristofferson’s character more of an afterthought. That’s a shame when you consider they initially wanted Elvis Presley as her co-star. No way was he a better actor than Kristofferson, but this would have definitely been an ironic case of art imitating life, making the film far more intriguing (not to mention historically bittersweet, since Elvis died only a year later). And who knows…after wasting the 60s starring in every piece of Hollywood junk his money-grubbing manager (Colonel Tom Parker) signed him up for, maybe a melancholy performance in A Star is Born could have vindicated him as an actor the same way his ‘69 Comeback Special briefly boosted his music career.

But I knew none of this back in 1977 when A Star is Born showed up at Cinema V, our local second-run theater. All I knew was the songs were horrible (including “Evergreen”), the movie was reeeally long and Barbra Streisand was the ugliest old woman Hollywood ever tried to force on us as a sex symbol. I did, however, buy the movie poster for my bedroom, mainly because of the hilarious photo suggesting a serious attempt by Kristofferson to make it to second base.

Still, I appreciated Tammi’s dedication because I knew it was heartfelt, even if I wasn’t feeling the song myself. Sure, I loved her - as much as an immature middle schooler is capable of - but to this day, I never truly understood the whole Our Song thing.

Eventually, Tammi and I were off-again for good, and it didn’t end well.

"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Looking back at all my past relationships, the ones which ended the messiest were those which initially exploded in intensity and always included an Our Song. I married my high school sweetheart, who once cited “Endless Love,” the godawful theme to an equally shitty movie, as a testament to our intense devotion. Four years later, messily-divorced and more cynical (go figure), a more accurate Our Song would have been “Love Stinks.”

Later, I briefly dated an attractive woman named Bonnie, several years older with a couple of kids. Things were great at first, but I became slightly apprehensive when, on the second date, she declared Cutting Crew‘s “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” as Our Song. It’s one thing for dumb kids to have an Our Song, but a 30-year-old Mom? Things ended badly when, on our fourth date, she asked how I’d feel about being a stepfather to her children. I’ve been called shallow, I’ve been called an asshole, I’ve been called emotionally-bankrupt, but I wasn’t ready for anyone to call me dad. Needless to say, Bonnie and I ceased dying in each other’s arms shortly after.

For me, Our Songs became Bad Omens.

I eventually got married a second time and we’ve been together for over 25 years. My wife and I have two wonderful kids, a nice little house and decent jobs. However, one thing we’ve never had (besides matching Harleys, which I still hope for someday) was Our Song, perhaps because both of us had already outgrown such trivialities by the time we met. Sure, we picked out a couple of songs for our wedding, but more for how they sounded than the actual lyrics. That’s because a four minute love ballad is about as superficial as a Hallmark card in defining a relationship, and most people eventually learn that. From my personal experience, anyway, if you need an Our Song as a symbol of your feelings, you two are doomed.

10 Reasons MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 Needs to Come Back

1. Riff Trax & Cinematic Titanic are okay, but we have to pay for them, and it's just not the same.

2. They never got around to riffing on Night of the Living Dead on the Satellite of Love, and it's public domain!

3. There are a shitload of videos on YouTube by morons who think they're instructional experts or the next Spielberg.

4. Most of SyFy's current programming totally blows. Sure, there was Battlestar Galactica, Eureka and a few others, but their movies? Speaking of which...

5. Name a single SyFy Original movie that doesn't deserve the MST3K treatment.

6. Classic Shatner

7. This movie.

8. We've seen all the old episodes enough times.

9. This woman.

10. Who doesn't miss the robots?

Blu-Ray Review: POMPEII

Starring Kit Harrington, Emily Browning, Carrie-Anne Moss, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Jared Harris, Jessica Lucas, Kiefer Sutherland. Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. (2014, 105 min).
Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

When the groceries are running low but we can‘t get to the store, my wife will raid the fridge to create something out of leftovers, throwing this & that together, making-up everything as she goes along. More often than not, those dinners turn out pretty good - sometimes outstanding - but since she’s winging-it, those improvisational meals never turn out the same way twice.

Director Paul W.S. Anderson’s entire career is sort of like that, regularly raiding Hollywood’s fridge for leftovers of previous meals in an effort to concoct something edible. His criminally-underrated Event Horizon was a terrifically-delectable dish, making the most of ingredients first used in The Shining, Hellraiser and Alien. But like my wife, he often forgets how to put together similarly-scrumptious meals. Sure, some are edible if there’s nothing else to eat (Resident Evil, Death Race), but most of his other dishes are terrible, made with ingredients found in the back of the fridge which expired a long time ago.

"Checkin' out these guns?"

Because of this, Anderson’s career is only slightly more respected than those of Uwe Boll and Brett Ratner. It’s hip, if not a bit cliché, for snobs and critics to regularly pick on his body of work. But Event Horizon was truly great, so he’s shown he’s more talented than some give him credit for, if given the right ingredients.

For Pompeii, Anderson totally empties Hollywood’s fridge of every last morsel…part sword & sandal epic, part romance, part revenge story, part disaster film, with ample tablespoons of massive destruction, blood, action and CGI tossed in. If nothing else, this depiction of the cataclysmic volcanic eruption that instantly wiped-out an entire city 2000 years ago is Anderson’s most ambitious meal to-date.

Like most dishes made from leftovers, Pompeii is the sum of those which came before it, most notably Gladiator and Titanic, and there isn’t a single plot turn or line of dialogue you won’t see coming a mile away. The performances are decent during the first “Gladiator” half. Once the film switches to “Titanic” mode, when the action really escalates, less is required of anyone’s thespian abilities. Our two star-crossed lovers, Milo and Cassia (Kit Harrington & Emily Browning) do their best, but we don’t really care about their fates like we did Jack and Rose. If anyone in the cast truly deserves a big tip after the meal, it’s Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as the gladiator slave, Atticus, who makes the most of the script and character he’s been given.

"Right back at ya, bro!"

Considering Anderson's reputation, Pompeii is pretty tasty once it hits your plate…it’s a fast moving film with an unpretentious desire to entertain rather than provide a history lesson, with serviceable-enough special effects to please anyone who gets off on massive destruction. You won’t mistake it for Filet Mignon and Lobster. Pompeii is more like an omelet where you discover how surprisingly good some things taste when folded in eggs & cheese. You may already be familiar with most of these ingredients, and while you won’t likely be ballyhooing the meal weeks later, you'll leave the table satisfied, save for a few strange aftertastes; Kiefer Sutherland engages in a fun bit of scenery-chewing, but his goofy accent sounds like a cross between Terry-Thomas and Sid the Sloth from Ice Age. You may also find yourself wondering how two people on a horse can outrun a volcano’s pyroclastic cloud. But hey, that’s just me being nitpicky…just because I sometimes think a particular meal has too much pepper doesn’t mean someone else won’t think it’s perfectly seasoned.

While Paul W.S. Anderson has never created an original recipe of his own, he does a good job putting together a meal with the ingredients he’s given. As such, Pompeii is arguably his best film since Event Horizon (not-to-mention being one of his few not based on a pre-existing property). That might be faint praise to cinema snobs, but personally, I sometimes appreciate a skillfully tossed-together dish nearly much as an immaculate four course meal.

EXTRAS:

• 3-D version of the film
• Filmmakers’ commentary
• 20 deleted scenes
• Featurettes: The Assembly, The Volcanic Eruption, The Gladiators, The Costume Shop, The Journey, Pompeii: Buried in Time

FKMG RATING:

1/2

(OUT OF 5)

Book Review: MOVIES R FUN

By Josh Cooley. (2014, 48 pp).
Chronicle Books

Josh Cooley’s individual prints of classic adult film scenes, illustrated in the style of those old Golden Books we read as kids, have been floating around on the internet for a few years. Cooley himself published a limited run collection back in 2010. He’s written and illustrated more since then, but this time the book is widely available, and well-worth picking up by movie fans or anyone who appreciates good parody.

Movies R Fun is short (like the Golden Books series), and consists of a single repetitive joke. Fortunately, it’s a great joke. The illustrations are terrific; Cooley manages to recreate classic scenes while still making them look like something from a toddler’s picture book. But what makes it truly funny is the text which accompanies each drawing…lines from these movies are quoted mostly-verbatim, but rendered hilarious by intentionally bland dialogue tags (i.e. “You’re gonna need a bigger boat,” suggested Chief Brody). Hell, even the knowing Cooley’s day job is that of a Pixar artist adds to its amusement.

Sure, most of these prints (if not all) are widely available on the internet, but the physical book itself is funny. It resembles those old kids’ books to a tee, right down to the spine, the place inside the front cover for ‘kids’ to write their name, and the inside back cover with a massive list of other books in the “Lil’ Inappropriate” series (in the best Spinal Tap tradition, it’s made to look like these other books actually exist).

Sorry, kids, the internet doesn’t do this one justice (nor would any e-book version). Movies R Fun may be a little on the pricey side for a scant 48 pages, but like other great children’s book parodies, such as Go the Fuck to Sleep, it's a combination of the content and it's physicality that makes the joke work.

FKMG RATING:

(OUT OF 5)

CAT NIP Reviews: Stiller Does Mitty, Farewell to Nikita, Metallica’s Trip & the Resurrection of Sorcerer

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY (Blu-Ray)
This whimsical, seriocomic remake of the 1947 original deserved better than the lukewarm reception it received at the box office. As the title character, Ben Stiller (who also directs) has seldom been more likable, and unless you’re a complete cynic, this quirky little film is affably charming. From Fox Home Entertainment.

NIKITA - THE FOURTH AND FINAL SEASON (Blu-Ray)
Well, it ain’t exactly a season…just the last six episodes of the critically-respected but low-rated show. If Nikita had aired on any other network, it would have been unceremoniously cancelled after three seasons (maybe even two), but at least CW respected the show (and its loyal fans) enough to give it a proper send-off. Fans may mourn Nikita’s demise, but at least it comes to a satisfying conclusion. From Warner Home Video.

METALLICA THROUGH THE NEVER (Blu-Ray)
Metallica’s ambitious attempt to create a movie experience similar to Led Zeppelin’s The Song Remains the Same (in 3-D and IMAX, no less) isn’t likely to win them any new fans (except my 10 year old daughter, who now likes them after seeing this). Despite the ambiguous ‘story’ interspersed throughout, it’s still just a concert film, albeit spectacularly-shot…Metallica stalks an elaborate stage created specifically for the movie, making Kiss look like a band of grunge-era navel gazers. Also available in 3-D. From Blackened Recordings.

SORCERER (Blu-Ray)
In the words of my father when I finally graduated college, It’s about goddamn time! 37 years after tanking at the box office (crushed under the wheels of Star Wars), this criminally-underrated classic gets the proper video release it rightfully deserves. Aside from a 40 page booklet (from director William Friedkin’s memoir), there are no bonus features, but the film itself has been wonderfully restored to its original grimy glory. A must-own for anyone with a big-ass TV and home theater system, and so far, the best Blu-Ray release of the year (though I might be a tad biased). For more about Sorcerer, check out D.M. Anderson's essay HERE. From Warner Home Video.

Book Review: STEVEN SPIELBERG AND DUEL - THE MAKING OF A FILM CAREER

By Steven Awalt. (2014, 345 pp).
Rowman & Littlefield

Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind and E.T. may have made Steven Spielberg a household name among even the most-casual movie fan, but none of it would have happened if not for Duel, a modest little made-for-TV thriller produced & aired in 1971 (part of ABC’s Movie of the Week series), and Spielberg‘s first noteworthy attempt at feature-length storytelling.

This book by Steven Awalt is a marvelously detailed and entertaining document of Spielberg’s humble beginnings as a director-for-hire for Universal Television, ultimately culminating in Duel. That film belied its budget-conscious TV origins in every way imaginable, with a truly cinematic look and tone that even impressed the likes of Frederico Fellini.

But this isn’t just Spielberg’s story. Although he’s the focal point, we also learn what inspired Richard Matheson to write the original short story, and how it eventually ended up being produced as an ABC Movie of the Week. The book is loaded with interviews and quotes from most of the primaries involved in its production, including Spielberg, Matheson (who adapted his own story for the film), Universal president Sid Sheinberg, composer Billy Goldenberg, star Dennis Weaver and, most-amusingly, stunt driver Carey Loftin, who wasn’t as impressed with Spielberg as others in the production.

In yet-another Hollywood scandal, two of
Duel's stars are caught cuddling off-screen.

As presented here, it's obvious from the get-go Spielberg was a unique talent destined for greater things (though highly resented by some of Hollywood’s old-guard still lurking the Universal lot at the time). In the end, we learn to appreciate just how important this little film was to the careers of Spielberg and everyone involved else in this film.

But that’s not quite the end. Also included in this book is Duel’s entire original teleplay by Matheson. The script is actually rather dry and dull on paper, which actually serves as further testament of Spielberg's skill as a visual storyteller.

Even today, Duel is widely considered one of the greatest stand-alone made-for-TV films ever made, which broke traditional rules because a young, ambitious director wanted to make it something more than the usual Saturday night schedule filler. With this book, we totally appreciate Steven Spielberg’s inert genius and understand how he was able to parlay Duel’s success into what’s arguably the greatest directorial career of all time. This book is a must-read for any film fan.

FKMG RATING:

(OUT OF 5)

DVD Review: INDEPENDENCE DAYSASTER

Starring Ryan Merriman, Andrea Brooks, Emily Homes, Kennan Tracey, Tom Everett Scott. Directed by W.D. Hogan. (2013, 90 min).
Anchor Bay Entertainment

Like those amusing Geico insurance commercials, everybody knows the term, SyFy Original, is pretty-much an oxymoron. And everybody knows there won’t be a single scene in any SyFy Original as awesomely-destructive as what’s depicted the DVD cover. And, most importantly, everybody knows to keep their expectations pretty low.

Based on the titles alone, most SyFy Originals can be broken down into three categories: 1) tacky tongue-in-cheek monster-fests, 2) outrageously-plotted apocalyptic disasters, and 3) barely-disguised rip-offs of theatrical blockbusters. What they all have in common, however, are cheap CGI and casts TV actors looking for extra work, along with the token familiar face whose best days are behind them.

It's hard to keep your composure when you hear the
approaching bells of an ice cream truck.

Independence Daysaster obviously falls under the theatrical rip-off category, and if the title alone doesn’t tell you which film it’s ripping-off…well, as someone from said-film once famously quipped, “Welcome to Earth.” But it also borrows a fairly liberally from War of the Worlds, in that this alien invasion comes from above and below, attacking us with lightning-spewing yo-yos from the sky, phallic iron drills from the ground. Caught in between is our primary cast, a small town fireman, his older brother (who happens to be the President) and, of course, a few nerdy teens whose computer skills are utilized to try and save the day. They spend a great deal of time driving around in the middle of nowhere (thus shaving the budget by millions), dodging or reacting in horror whenever the space yo-yos show up.

Black Friday at the local Wal-Mart.

Those expecting anything like the pyrotechnic mayhem of Independence Day will, of course, be massively disappointed. You won’t see any aliens, either. But what were you expecting? Anyone who’s ever sat through even a few SyFy Originals know they are intended as nothing more than an amusing way to kill a few hours at home on a Saturday night.

As such, Independence Daysaster is no better or worse than Ice Twisters, 12 Disasters of Christmas, Earth’s Final Fury or any other straight-to-video epic used to pad-out SyFy’s TV schedule and ultimately show-up in a Wal-Mart DVD bin for five bucks. Still, movies like this can be cheeky fun if you’re in the right frame of mind, and Independence Daysaster is no exception.

FKMG RATING:

(OUT OF 5)

Book Review: ALTERNATIVE MOVIE POSTERS - FILM ART FROM THE UNDERGROUND

By Matthew Chojnacki. (2013, 208 pp).
Schiffer Publishing

It might be hard to believe in this day and age of Photoshopped one-sheets, but once upon a time, movie poster art was as creative as the films they were designed to advertise (more so, in many cases). Lovingly rendered by talented individuals from a variety of mediums, not just computer smarts, the best posters were often works of art unto themselves. Today, most mainstream movie posters display as much creative effort as a grocery store deli ad.

But that’s not always the case, especially when it comes to films which have a loyal fringe or cult audience, the kind which pop-up at revivals or film festivals held at urban repertory theaters. Many such groups commission their own posters for such films, and some talented fans themselves have taken the task of designing their own alternative artwork, often more-accurately reflecting the themes and moods of films than the official one-sheets we pass by in theater lobbies.

This handsomely put-together book collects a few hundred noteworthy alternative posters for both cult and mainstream films, many commissioned for festivals, others created for the sheer love of the movie. Styles range from elaborately-detailed paintings to stark minimalism. Accompanying nearly every print are comments from the artists themselves, citing both their artistic and cinematic influences. Not every poster will knock your socks off (in fact, some of them border on amateurish), but at least we understand and appreciate the artists’ intentions.

Alternative Movie Posters is aimed squarely at those whose love of film goes beyond the multiplex. As such, it’s a fun and interesting coffee table book sure to please those familiar with these films, as well as art aficionados.

FKMG RATING:

1/2

(OUT OF 5)

THE GUMBALL RALLY vs. Duran Duran

Starring Michael Sarrazin, Nicholas Pryor, Tim McIntire, Raul Julia, Norman Burton, Gary Busey, Susan Flannery, J. Pat O’Malley, Harvey Jason, Steven Keats, Joanne Nail. Directed by Charles Bail. (1976, 105 min).

Since discovering eardrum-shattering thunder of Deep Purple, Alice Cooper and Kiss as a kid, I’ve been a loyal and die hard heavy metal fan. Mom and Dad hated it, of course (“That’s not music! It’s just noise and screaming!”), but not only did it truly speak to me, there was something innately appealing about the fact that, with few exceptions, metal music flourished outside the mainstream like weeds punching through the cracks in your driveway.

Metal fans were, and still are, a fickle bunch, reveling in our favorite artists’ relative obscurity and making us unique among the mindless masses blindly-swallowing the latest digestible pop hit (sort-of like today’s hipsters, only without sandals). In 1978, when you bumped into someone who shared your love of Van Halen’s debut album (before the were superstars), you were instant kindred spirits.

We were an exclusive & elitist club with strict rules. With a few notable exceptions (Pat Benatar, Billy Squire, Red Ryder, The Cars, Billy Idol and others whose early songs had respect-worthy guitar riffs), we were unofficially required to declare utter contempt of anything resembling disco, new wave, country, R&B or pop (especially once MTV became a cultural phenomenon).

One of those contemptible banes on modern music was Duran Duran, five English pretty boys with big hair, great looks and flashy videos, part of the so-called ‘New Romantic’ genre of English pop. In the metal camp, they represented the worst aspects of popular music…homogenized, image-driven singles calculated to make teenage girls swoon (much like One Direction today). Duran Duran were the de-facto poster boys of everything headbangers hated. 

But unlike modern boy-bands cynically assembled to dance and croon generic pop tunes written by their managers, Duran Duran wrote all their own songs and played every instrument. They were good musicians who simply had the misfortune of being drop-dead gorgeous.

For me, regularly-worshiping at the alter of Iron Maiden and Judas Priest, I became distressed upon the realization that Duran Duran actually had some great fucking songs. Were they works or art? Maybe not, but a lot of them were mindlessly catchy and sounded great blasting from my car stereo. But I could never admit that out-loud. I’d already chosen sides, oft-declaring my disgust for this type of processed pop. Still, I privately found myself cranking up “The Reflex” whenever it popped up on the radio, feeling like a hypocrite. 

As I grew older and more mature, I lightened up on the whole us-against-the-world metal mentality. It was okay to admit I probably always liked U2, Blondie, Cyndi Lauper and Prince. But Duran Duran? Their lingering stigma as a ‘boy band’ later had me asking my wife (who always loved them) to buy their newest album for me because I was embarrassed to admit “Ordinary World” was one of the greatest songs I ever heard. 

Like Duran Duran’s synth-pop heyday, The Gumball Rally (1976) is a dumb car chase comedy made during a decade rife with them. I seriously doubt a month went by when there wasn’t a film in theaters featuring mindless auto-destruction, broad humor, hot chicks and super-cool antiheroes out-driving legions of cops so dumb they make The Simpsons’ Chief Wiggum look like Frank Serpico. This disreputable genre’s popularity peaked with 1977’s Smokey and the Bandit, one of the few chase films released by a major studio with a cast of A-list actors. 

That sumbitch switched lanes without signaling!

These movies were brainless crash-fests designed to appeal to yahoos who got-off on destruction, boobs and slapstick. The Gumball Rally, depicting an illegal coast-to-coast road race, was simply one of them, much like A Flock of Seagulls was one of countless synth-pop bands to rock the 80s. Being 13 and relatively undemanding, I found The Gumball Rally a lot of fun, laughing aloud at the cartoony characters, broad humor and amusing - though totally preposterous - chase scenes. Michael Sarrazin, who previously achieved some notoriety as a decent character actor, oozed onscreen cool, even though he was aping Peter Fonda. The Gumball Rally also features a few actors who’d go on to find much-greater fame later on (Gary Busey, Raul Julia). 

As I grew supposedly more sophisticated, I left childhood pleasures behind, including movies which have not aged too well (like Grizzly, Heavy Metal and Meatballs). Shortly after Smokey and the Bandit cleaned-up at the box office and films like Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Road Warrior redefined the action genre, these old car chase flicks seemed stupid and archaic. 

While I now scoff at some films I found awesome as a kid, there’s still a soft spot in my heart for The Gumball Rally, even though I generally hate films loaded with slapstick humor, exaggerated characters and gratuitous scenes where the camera lingers on breasts longer than it should. I’ve since-fancied myself as a knowledgeable & pretentious movie snob, but must confess I still occasionally pop this film into by DVD player and find amusement in the same type of humor I normally declare offensively-stupid, once-again rendering me a hypocrite. For reasons I can’t explain, The Gumball Rally simply rubs me the right way, much like the music of Duran Duran.

It must have rubbed a lot of other people the right way, too. Though the film was inspired by a real-life cross-country rally organized by auto-enthusiast Brock Yates, similar races have since incorporated the “gumball” moniker. Even Disneyland holds a similar MiceChat Gumball Rally, where participants compete to determine who can ride the most rides in a single day, and the winner receives a trophy strikingly similar to the one shown in The Gumball Rally.

On an ironic sidenote, The Gumball Rally was financed by First Artists, a production company formed by Paul Newman, Barbra Streisand, Sidney Poitier, Dustin Hoffman & Steve McQueen with the purpose of giving artists more creative control. This company didn’t exist long (1969-1980), but The Gumball Rally (featuring none of these stars) was one of their most profitable films. 

KITTEN KIBBLES: Pet Peeves of a Movie Snob

I hate it when people refer to special effects as graphics, as in “Independence Day had good graphics.” Yes, most modern filmmakers utilize computer graphic technology in creating certain effects, but people have been incorrectly throwing the word around as an all-encompassing term for decades. All this tells me is they have no idea what they’re talking about, but wish to sound intelligent. Video games have graphics, movies have special effects.

Speaking of which, it irritates me when people base their entire assessment of a movie’s worth on whether or not its special effects (which they’ll inevitably call graphics) are convincing. These are the kind of pretentious ignoramuses who laugh at and ridicule inarguable classics like Jaws or Forbidden Planet, while praising such creatively-bankrupt eye candy as Transformers (nothing more than a two-and-a-half hour video game you never get to play).

On a related note, anyone who equates ‘old’ with ‘shitty’ is a complete moron.

I question the intelligence of anyone who bases their decision to see a particular film strictly on its box office performance, as though financial success or failure is an accurate indication of whether or not it's any good. These people are mindless sheep who probably don’t know The Wizard of Oz was a box-office flop when initially released.

On the flipside of the coin, I'm annoyed by people who only choose to see a particular film once it’s been nominated for several Oscars. People like this are usually doing it for one of two reasons: 1) So they have something to root for on Oscar night, or, 2) So they can jump on the Good Taste Bandwagon. People like this aren’t true movie lovers. Whether you enjoy art-house cinema or sleazy exploitation, your tastes should never, ever, be influenced by anyone else’s definition of quality.

Old folks love to say they don’t make movies like they used to, which is totally ignorant. Of course they don’t. They don’t play football like they used to, either, but we don’t compare the 2013 Seattle Seahawks to the 1967 Green Bay Packers.

Speaking of which, I’m now at the age where films I loved growing up are being remade left and right. Although I’m wary of them, I don’t blindly pass judgment simply due to my fondness of the original. Nor should you, regardless of your age. Besides, remakes have been a huge part of the film business since it became a business. The following is just a short list of classics that are actually remakes of previous films: The Ten Commandments, Heat, Scarface, The Magnificent Seven, A Fistful of Dollars, The Fly, Heaven Can Wait, The Thing, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, The Maltese Falcon, The Departed, Ben-Hur, The Wizard of Oz. Sure, most remakes are vastly inferior to the originals, but the next time someone of a different generation poo-poos the latest Hollywood remake without having seen it, respectfully remind them that, sometimes, first doesn’t always mean best.

I always get a chuckle out of people who declare a movie ‘stupid’ simply because they don’t understand it.

Hey, guess what? Nobody within earshot of your big mouth gives a flying fuck what you have to say about a movie until after it’s over.

Here’s a subtle message to those of you enticed to see a film because it’s offered in 3-D: STOP! You guys are encouraging Hollywood to continue pumping out this shit because you’ve somehow mistaken 3-D for a Disneyland thrill ride. Aside from Avatar, which was only good because it was in 3-D, I defy you to name a single movie ever made that was truly worth the inflated admission price.

If you think the films of Aaron Seltzer & Jason Friedberg qualify as satire, you do not know the definition of the word.

Similarly, if you think the gory death scenes in the Saw franchise qualify as horror, you do not know the definition of the word.

If you’ve ever been convinced to check out a movie because ads ballyhooed it was “From the director of (insert title here),” you’re a true movie fan. If you’ve ever been lured by the tagline, “From the studio that brought you (insert title here),” you’re a sucker.

Similarly, I've never understood anyone who's ever chosen not to see a particular film because of a personal dislike for one of the individuals involved in its production. With a few notable exceptions, movies are not a reflection of those who made it. They’re just stories, and whoever makes them shouldn’t be a factor in your assessment on whether or nor they’re any good. Tom Cruise’s Scientology views may be batshit crazy, but he’s so-far kept them separate from his day job.

If you deem a film stupid which was intentionally stupid in the first place, you missed the point.

If you accept a movie as a true story because a title card tells you so, I’ve got a bridge to sell you.

If you think every scene, plot-point, action or character decision needs to be explained in enough detail to eliminate all ambiguity, I feel sorry for you.

Those of you who’ve blindly bought-into the greed-driven trend of turning single novels into two-to-three individual films are total rubes. This shit started with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, the final book in the popular series. Not only did you not complain, you joyfully shelled out twice the cash for a single movie. The worst example is Peter Jackson’s decision to pad-out The Hobbit into three films, an obvious and insulting attempt to squeeze the last dollar out of fanboys suffering from Middle Earth withdrawl, and you still showed-up in droves for a three part, nine hour adaptation of a 300 page book. Thanks a lot fanboys…you’ve encouraged Hollywood to keep doing it. I’ve got just four words for you…Gone with the Wind, a 1000+ page novel that no one had trouble adapting into a single four hour film.