Starring
Adam Baldwin, Rutger Hauer, Steve Guttenberg, Bryan Brown, Alexa
Hamilton, Tinarie Van Wyk-Loots, C. Thomas Howell, Amber Sainsbury,
Sylvia Sims, Peter Weller, Nathalie Boltt, Peter Dobson, Alex
Kingston. Directed by John Putch. (2005, 175 min).
We
all know the story...on
New Year's Eve during her final voyage, the SS Poseidon is struck by a
massive tidal wave which capsizes the ship. The survivors must now
make their way to the hull and hope for a
rescue before it sinks for good.
Well, purists be prepared, because this 2005
made-for-TV remake of The
Poseidon Adventure
commits heresy by removing the tidal wave from a story that was mostly about
a tidal wave.
The original is unarguably a disaster movie classic, though not such
a sacred cinematic cow that a remake is out of the question (a lot of
folks in Hollywood must have agreed because we got two within a year). But,
seriously...no tidal wave? Whose idea was that...George
Lucas'?
Like
attempting to enjoy a meatless burger, disaster buffs just need to
suck it up and accept the idea that an oceanliner can be capsized by
an exploding beer keg.
Uh...what?
 |
| Someone enjoyed one too many deviled eggs from the buffet table. |
Actually, the keg is one
of several bombs that are brought on-board by an unnamed group of
terrorists. It's never made clear exactly what their beef is, but
much of the first hour - besides introducing a variety of
ill-fated passengers - focuses on this plot, with grumpy Sea Marshal
Mike Rogo (Adam Baldwin) searching the ship for terrorists. This is The Poseidon
Adventure in-name-only until the ship finally capsizes. Perhaps
the producers chose the terrorist route because, considering the already-terrible CGI, recreating a convincing tidal wave was an insurmountable
task. Or maybe there wasn't enough meat to the original story to
justify the four hour running time a miniseries generally requires.
But believe it or not,
the movie improves as it goes along and the stuntwork itself is rather impressive. Better yet, it starts to resemble the Poseidon
Adventure of old during the second half. Several escape sequences are more-or-less recreated pretty faithfully,
albeit on a TV budget.
Some of the characters -
both familiar and new - are actually pretty interesting. Baldwin, in
a rare leading role, is suitably badass, while Rutger Hauer is
surprisingly effective as a tough-but-kindly priest. To be honest, I
always hated Shelley Winter's whiny, obnoxious performance in the
original, but Sylvia Syms does wonders with the same character, rendering
her subtly endearing and sympathetic.
 |
| Steve Guttenberg as The Douchebag. |
In fact, most of the cast
and their characters are decent as TV movies go. One glaring exception is
Steve Guttenberg as Richard. Having a face that's inherently
punchable is bad enough, but he's also stuck with one of the most
repugnant characters I've ever seen in a disaster movie (taking into account every movie in the Airport franchise, that's saying
something). This is a guy who abandons his entire family to shack up
with the ship's masseuse for the rest of the trip, then we're
expected to hope he survives the disaster.
Worse yet, even though time is rapidly running out, everyone is repeatedly forced to halt their escape plans while
Richard makes impassioned declarations of love to his wife and kids (and Guttenberg can't emote worth a damn).
But even after that, while his wife looks on, he still mourns the death of the chick he's been
boinking.
That brutal story &
casting decision aside, the movie itself isn't all that bad once you
get over the fact no tidal wave is forthcoming. Sure, like a lot of "event" miniseries that were popular at the time, The
Poseidon Adventure is too long by an hour (further padded by
needless scenes of rescue efforts) and the special effects are
terrible, but this often-dubious genre has produced bigger stinkers,
including its mega-budget brethren, Poseidon, which is far
more spectacular, but works better as a sleep aid.
EXTRA
KIBBLES
None
KITTY CONSENSUS:
NOT BAD...LIKE CAT CHOW
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